Went down husband’s phone

[PulpKitchen]

I’ve been down my husband’s phone and found messages between him and his male friend. It goes like this:

• My husband sends a picture of his female colleague who he is due to stay away with for work “This is her”
• His friend: Nice! She looks a bit like (your wife)
• Husband: She’s 22 years old (aubergine emoji)
• His friend: Are you going to try it on?
• Husband: No, a few years ago maybe, but I’m more senior than her at work now, so can’t overstep the line. She’s so sweet though (aubergine emoji)
• His friend: We’ll see after a few pints
• My husband: 😂

OK. What do I do here? This trip was in the past and has happened, and I don’t think the woman went anywhere near my husband, however this conversation has disturbed me. I don’t want to split or anything drastic. Should I let him know I’ve been down his phone? If I do, he’ll change his password? I’m so angry. Am I being unreasonable?

the things a woman will do for a fucking mortgage.

Troll o'clock 😂

Yes, he is cognizant of the fact the he can no longer grope women at work without consequences.

Sounds like a huge LOL to him.

That kind of guy who longs to go back to the past when women were more jovial and 'understanding'.

Sorry I don't mean to fuel fire here, but the friend doesn't really instigate anything and mentions you. Your husband is the first to insinuate anything sexual with a cock emoji. It does sound like male bravado...at this point...but I would also be livid. It's just damn disrespectful to you. I'd be mortified about my husband talking about a young girl like that. Gross!

OP, please listen.

Life is painfully short. It isn't a dress rehearsal. This is the real thing, one shot.

You deserve to feel loved and cherished. You can still coparent together and be good friends maybe even in time. But please I beg you go and build a life and find a partner you can be proud of. Not all men would behave like this, I think it is important not to minimise how bad it is that has such little respect for you and clearly women in general.

He isn't even sorry. Wake up and be brave. You have an opportunity on a plate here to make a great change.

If that was ever discovered at work he would be dismissed. I am assuming his friend is also
a colleague.

I'd not tell him you know. The trust is gone.

I'd get your ducks in a row then say you have to talk. Tell him you've been sexually unsatisfied for a few years and you've got talking to a younger guy at work so you want to start dating him.

See if he likes his own medicine 🤷🏼‍♀️

What a creepy fuck, that woman should be able to work around your husband without having her photos saved and sent like she's cattle at an auction they're deciding the worth of. Even if he didn't cheat I'd leave a man like this, he's there to work not comment on the fuckability of his coworkers with his creepy friends. How would you take him around your female family members or friends when he has form for cataloguing women of how much he'd like to have sex with them?

I don’t think you was wrong for looking, I wouldn’t be upset if my partner had a look through my phone either. I don’t think you should have said anything though, i would have waited to see how it played out.

I don’t see how this could be harmless banter, if he’s sending pictures of this women over. Also the friend is disrespectful too.

Well given what she found on his phone I'd say she's right not to!

It’s not banter if you’d get a formal warning for it if work found out is a good simple rule of thumb…

What about this bit? Does it make sense to you as well?

• His friend: Are you going to try it on?
• Husband: No, a few years ago maybe, but I’m more senior than her at work now, so can’t overstep the line. She’s so sweet though (aubergine emoji)

That poor young woman trying to forge a career and these two perverts think it's okay to make her the object of sexual banter.

Maybe him and his friend can eggplant each other - Yucky plonkers.

Ridiculous comment.

That alone is more than enough reason to just get rid of him. If he won't discuss those things it's not an intimate relationship, it's an arrangement. That, along with acting cold, should tell you all you need to know about whether or not he values you and the marriage without even going through his phone and seeing his disgusting banter with some other douche.

Yeah she’s the issue here.

Agree. It's the death knell of a marriage.

Did you see where she said he won't discuss feelings at all? There's nothing you can do if they stonewall you but leave. That's not a real relationship.

Agree.

He turned cold because he is invested elsewhere. @PulpKitchen needed to learn the truth and was smart to investigate his phone. The alternative — asking him — would have resulted in his gaslighting her, just as he is attempting to do now. Fortunately, she is no longer in the dark and can make her decisions accordingly.

This would be a dealbreaker for me. I understand you have small children and it's probably easier for you to stay with a poor excuse of a man than to leave and be a single mother, but get ready for more. A man who talks like this has cheated, or will cheat. I'd have no respect for him.

It is perfectly reasonable to look in your own spouse's phone if you suspect something is wrong. Especially when said spouse WON'T COMMUNICATE and just leaves it til he has a breakdown. And, won't get help. You know your own husband. Phones should be open in relationships, no secrets. And even if they aren't, it is perfectly reasonable to look especially if something is wrong. People who say it isn't need a bloody high five to the face with a chair. I am furious with some of the responses you are getting. Their attitude is really fucked up. I think you would have got responses from normal human beings if you posted in Relationships instead of AIBU. These posters on this thread should be bloddy ashamed of themselves. You did the right thing 100% and have nothing, NOTHING, to be ashamed of. I hope you know and understand that. And considering your husband is causing such problems and won't communicate I think you need to tell him you want marriage counselling or to split. He needs to make the call. Because you don't want to live like this in cold relationship with no communication forever.

Maybe it is problematic, but also, sometimes people use the reason/explanation which they know will be most easily accepted the audience and the few years ago bit is necessary detail. I don't know which it is.

@PulpKitchen, as I stated above, your remorseless H is gaslighting you and shifting the blame to your checking his phone to make you stfu. Don’t fall for it. These manipulative tactics are straight from the Script. You needed the truth about the change in his attitude and behavior toward you, and he wasn’t about to provide that. Turns out he is obsessed over a 22 year old.

The dialogue with his friend was sickening to read and is not typical in my world. Do not allow him to minimize his misogynistic drooling as jokey banter.

This work senior is passing around his young junior’s photo for shared arousal and to pant about getting to perve on her during the work trip away. When his mate mentions her resembling you, H doesn’t even skip a beat. He jumps right in to salivating over her young age and sweetness with cock emojis. He rates her as shaggable, but will forego trying it on strictly because of her job status. However, he would have gone there with her a few years back during your marriage. The friend is skeptical about H’s keeping that boundary when alcohol is flowing.

@PulpKitchen, you are married to a man of low integrity who enjoys degrading the dignity of this young woman and of you, his own Wife. He is also open to cheating. You would be very foolish to buy into his lie that it was all a ‘tongue in cheek’ joke. I couldn’t stay with a sleazy man like this who diminishes women as objects to be used to validate and gratify him.

So does CRIMINAL activity.

Calm down.

The word CRIMINAL in capital letters is a nice touch, but it's totally sensationalist of you.

Do you honestly think police would waste their time with this. Id say a significant proportion of affairs have been discovered because a partner snooped on their partner's phone. It's so common and widespread the I hardly think the police would give two shits about it.

You'd need the police to charge somebody and I highly doubt they would.

So when speaking about criminal activity, it's really quite funny, because it sounds as if you're talking about drug dealing or murder. Criminal activity indeed. 🤣😂