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Original poster

Went down husband’s phone

666 replies

PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 16:38

I’ve been down my husband’s phone and found messages between him and his male friend. It goes like this:

  • My husband sends a picture of his female colleague who he is due to stay away with for work “This is her”
  • His friend: Nice! She looks a bit like (your wife)
  • Husband: She’s 22 years old (aubergine emoji)
  • His friend: Are you going to try it on?
  • Husband: No, a few years ago maybe, but I’m more senior than her at work now, so can’t overstep the line. She’s so sweet though (aubergine emoji)
  • His friend: We’ll see after a few pints
  • My husband: 😂

OK. What do I do here? This trip was in the past and has happened, and I don’t think the woman went anywhere near my husband, however this conversation has disturbed me. I don’t want to split or anything drastic. Should I let him know I’ve been down his phone? If I do, he’ll change his password? I’m so angry. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
JudgeJ · 07/07/2025 22:45

PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 16:52

Male defence league out in force 🤣

Show quote history

Nonsense, it's good to see so many people not supporting your snooping, there have been many posts where a man has seen something on his wife's phone and she's been told to LTB for invading her privacy!

chachahide · 07/07/2025 22:47

SirTedofTalkington · 07/07/2025 22:44

Technically, he hasn’t done anything wrong here. While it might feel uncomfortable or gross, being married doesn’t mean he’s suddenly not allowed to notice or be attracted to other people. I know both men and women who talk graphically about people they fancy. It’s a case of looking but not touching (or being inappropriate towards those involved).

What would concern me more is that he admitted he would have gone for it in the past, that suggests blurred boundaries.

That being said, the biggest red flag here isn’t him, it’s the fact that you felt the need to sneak onto his phone and invade his privacy. You say it’s because he’s not open with you, but that alone is a sign that something fundamental is off in the relationship. If you don’t trust him, that’s already telling you everything you need to know.

You don’t need to justify your actions or keep listing what he did or didn’t do. If you can’t have a direct, honest conversation with him and trust that he’ll give you a straight answer, then what’s the point? A relationship without basic trust and communication isn’t one worth staying in.

The way his friend communicates with him suggests he’s a wrong’un! You going to try it on mate? Like it’s the most normal thing in the world. Why is it the most normal thing in the world?

People on this thread need to wake up! Men like THIS cheat! I’ve worked with plenty of them. The wive’s had no idea.

PissOffJohn · 07/07/2025 22:48

mommatoone · 07/07/2025 22:29

Get a life!. Do you know what? I'd take my chances. By God, the crime in this country is through the roof, hardly think they gonna send in the bloody big guns are they 🙄.

Show quote history

Liars will always try to take the moral highground usually through darvo tactics.

Everyone sees through them and they look quite rediculous when reiterating their beliefs.

Pathetic really.

Once society takes hold and rids itself of the excuses around phones, privacy and marriage we should have more time for the victims of marriage.

It will change.

chachahide · 07/07/2025 22:48

JudgeJ · 07/07/2025 22:45

Nonsense, it's good to see so many people not supporting your snooping, there have been many posts where a man has seen something on his wife's phone and she's been told to LTB for invading her privacy!

Show quote history

But she found something that shows he’s a prick, so she was right to snoop. 100% he cheated in the past, trust me.

SirTedofTalkington · 07/07/2025 22:49

chachahide · 07/07/2025 22:47

The way his friend communicates with him suggests he’s a wrong’un! You going to try it on mate? Like it’s the most normal thing in the world. Why is it the most normal thing in the world?

People on this thread need to wake up! Men like THIS cheat! I’ve worked with plenty of them. The wive’s had no idea.

Show quote history

He’s literally told his mate he isn’t going to cheat. What’s concerning is that he said he might have in the past.

PeapodMcgee · 07/07/2025 22:50

OMG, it's obvious who the men of MN are!

Alltheyellowbirds · 07/07/2025 22:52

SirTedofTalkington · 07/07/2025 22:49

He’s literally told his mate he isn’t going to cheat. What’s concerning is that he said he might have in the past.

Show quote history

You don’t think it’s concerning that he’s sending pics of his hot colleagues in the first place - who does that? I don’t care if he said he wouldn’t cheat (especially as the only reason he gave for not doing so was that he might lose his job.)

CarpetSlipper · 07/07/2025 22:56

I wouldn’t go through my partner’s phone but if I ever came across a conversation like that I wouldn’t stay with him.

I have never joked with any of my friends about shagging other men. It’s not “banter”. It’s disrespectful to both you and her and is really creepy behaviour. Also seems like he would happily cheat and possibly has in the past.

chachahide · 07/07/2025 22:59

SirTedofTalkington · 07/07/2025 22:49

He’s literally told his mate he isn’t going to cheat. What’s concerning is that he said he might have in the past.

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It’s the fact his friend asked the way he did.

PissOffJohn · 07/07/2025 23:00

SirTedofTalkington · 07/07/2025 22:49

He’s literally told his mate he isn’t going to cheat. What’s concerning is that he said he might have in the past.

Show quote history

You are talking like a seedy predatory male who believes it's ok to rate women.

Your morals are shot, this kind of thinking sets back the human race, your lack of respect for women is shining through.

Would you like your daughter's picture being passed around, without her knowledge by older men, marking her sexuality, posting aubergine cock emojis next to her sweet name and deciding whether they're going to fuck her or not.

I don't know maybe you would.

Alltheyellowbirds · 07/07/2025 23:00

I’ve just reread the text conversation. I had missed the line “she’s 22 years old” accompanied by a dick emoji as if her being young is a turn-on in itself. Gross gross gross.

ALPS100 · 07/07/2025 23:05

SirTedofTalkington · 07/07/2025 22:49

He’s literally told his mate he isn’t going to cheat. What’s concerning is that he said he might have in the past.

Show quote history

He’s literally told his mate he isn’t going to cheat.

But not because he is married - it is because he is her "senior" at work, so is concerned for his job not his marriage

5128gap · 07/07/2025 23:05

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 07/07/2025 16:46

Why not just try to get to the bottom of why he has been a bit colder lately rather than just assume the worst and go snooping through his phone?

Do you have a reason other than his coldness not to trust him?

Show quote history

She has got to the bottom of why he's been colder lately and was absolutely right to assume the worst. Her husband is perving over a 22 year old junior woman at work, and only the knowledge he's now too old to stand a chance stopped him trying it on. This is information the OP really needed to know, and now she does, so job well done. Much more efficient that asking him and listening to a bunch of lies.

Delphiniumandlupins · 07/07/2025 23:10

This is a work colleague! A junior work colleague! Your DH thinks it's acceptable to send her picture to his mate and discuss having sex with her. It's not some random celebrity they're 'bantering' over but a young woman who has no idea she's being thought about in this way. Checking his phone is not great behaviour and you haven't found real evidence of cheating, but his disgusting attitude towards women would be a relationship ender for me. I wonder how his employer would react.

AngelicKaty · 07/07/2025 23:12

PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 22:44

OK, update time. I confronted him this evening. He was not remorseful. He said it was all a joke and that his friend knew it wasn’t serious, and their messages were ‘tongue in cheek’ 🫡🙄 Obviously tried the double spin on me in outrage for looking at his messages. I asked him how he’d feel with it being the other way around…‘I’d be pissed off like you but I wouldn’t go down your phone in the first place. I’m hoping for some kind of resolution, it needs to be talked out more, I’m not going to get the answers I think my brain wants to piece together though.

Edited

Yup, sadly OP the "it was just bantz" defence was sooooooo predictable. 🙄

Doubledenim305 · 07/07/2025 23:13

SirTedofTalkington · 07/07/2025 22:49

He’s literally told his mate he isn’t going to cheat. What’s concerning is that he said he might have in the past.

Show quote history

.... Isn't going to cheat because he values his job, not his wife.

Not classy.

girljulian · 07/07/2025 23:21

PulpKitchen · 07/07/2025 22:44

OK, update time. I confronted him this evening. He was not remorseful. He said it was all a joke and that his friend knew it wasn’t serious, and their messages were ‘tongue in cheek’ 🫡🙄 Obviously tried the double spin on me in outrage for looking at his messages. I asked him how he’d feel with it being the other way around…‘I’d be pissed off like you but I wouldn’t go down your phone in the first place. I’m hoping for some kind of resolution, it needs to be talked out more, I’m not going to get the answers I think my brain wants to piece together though.

Edited

This makes sense to me tbh. I'd be absolutely furious if my partner went through my phone.

AngelicKaty · 07/07/2025 23:39

SirTedofTalkington · 07/07/2025 22:49

He’s literally told his mate he isn’t going to cheat. What’s concerning is that he said he might have in the past.

Show quote history

Let me help you with this.

In response to his friend asking if he was going to "try it on" with his 22yr old colleague, OP's DH replied:

"No, a few years ago maybe, but I’m more senior than her at work now, so can’t overstep the line. She’s so sweet though (aubergine emoji)"

when he should have replied:

"No, of course not, I'm happily married and I love my wife."

Can you see the difference? HTH.

mmsnet · 07/07/2025 23:39

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Sedgwick · 07/07/2025 23:45

@girljulian my DH can go through my phone anytime he likes, nothing to hide, nothing I am ashamed of.

@PulpKitchen You have my sympathy, having small children complicates things of course. If your husband was a boyfriend I think he would be dumped, quite straight forward. Unfortunately your husband doesn’t sound like he has been faithful during your marriage. He should be ashamed and embarrassed to be caught with his lusting after his younger colleague. I would have to divorce, I couldn’t accept that sort of disrespect. Easier said than done of course. You don’t have to rush into a decision.

Sedgwick · 07/07/2025 23:46

@mmsnet what a ridiculous, malicious comment.

AngelicKaty · 07/07/2025 23:50

@Sedgwick Indeed it is. And now it's reported.

Mmhmmn · 07/07/2025 23:50

Take a pic of the messages while you think about it. Horrible to see such stuff.

Interesting reasoning he gave - so if she was more senior ie less junior, would that have been fair game? Also disgusting and worrying that his friend would ask if ‘D’H was going to start something with her 🤨

AngelicKaty · 07/07/2025 23:50

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So nasty and so unnecessary. Reported.

PissOffJohn · 07/07/2025 23:56

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How horrible.

Would you like it if someone suggested that whoever is with you would be lucky to escape.

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