Went down husband’s phone

[PulpKitchen]

I’ve been down my husband’s phone and found messages between him and his male friend. It goes like this:

• My husband sends a picture of his female colleague who he is due to stay away with for work “This is her”
• His friend: Nice! She looks a bit like (your wife)
• Husband: She’s 22 years old (aubergine emoji)
• His friend: Are you going to try it on?
• Husband: No, a few years ago maybe, but I’m more senior than her at work now, so can’t overstep the line. She’s so sweet though (aubergine emoji)
• His friend: We’ll see after a few pints
• My husband: 😂

OK. What do I do here? This trip was in the past and has happened, and I don’t think the woman went anywhere near my husband, however this conversation has disturbed me. I don’t want to split or anything drastic. Should I let him know I’ve been down his phone? If I do, he’ll change his password? I’m so angry. Am I being unreasonable?

People need to get with the idea that this is literally a CRIMINAL offence.

Disgusting!

Whenever I’ve snooped, I’ve found bad things. Xh once left his emails logged on my laptop. I had a snoop and found he had been downloading dating apps while we were married and while I was pregnant. I tried my best to get past it but once I had seen that my feelings for him disappeared and it was game over. I would rather be seen as sneaky than a fool.

I would 100% confront him about this. I’ve had numerous times where you get that awful feeling in your gut when you find stuff like this out. I would much rather be single than have to put up with a sleazy toerag again.

OP you don't have a good guy there. I think he's either cheated or he would. You only get one short life, do you really want to waste yours being with someone like that?

Exactly. He always forgets stuff so if I read it myself I actually know what's going on.
If he wanted an affair I just presume he'd use a different phone🤣 (thank Dr foster for that one).

Agree. I was married for 12 years. My husband started treating me awfully. Being cold, snapping, saying horrible things. Wore me down. I tried to get him to go to counselling, tried to get him to talk. I asked if he wanted to split up, he said no, told me I would split up the family if I did, said I was stupid and couldn't look after a house on my own. All kinds. I felt trapped like I was going mad. Eventually I looked on his phone. He had been having an affair with a woman from work for a year. Gave me what I needed it wasn't my fault! But yes. It's all on me for invading his privacy. I tend to think he gave up any semblance of privacy when he snagged someone else. Been with my fiance for 5 years. Never looked on his phone once and never felt even close to it.

I am amazed at the amount of people more concerned about the op "snooping" through his phone than the down right disrespectful 'banter' the partner has with his mare. Aubergine emoji to represent male genitals and the fact that he's chatting sexually about a female colleague he's having a work trip with. Alarm bells!! I feel sorry for the op and this poor female colleague. Both being disrespected by this creep.

Would you seriously shame your husband or wife by reporting them to the police.

Lying means so much to some people.

Liars in marriage need to be eradicated.

Nope. Not how my husband talks to his friends and not how my male friends talk to me or each other, either.

Reading this made me feel sick OP so I can’t even imagine how you feel, I hope you are ok. For the “you shouldn’t be snooping” brigade, there shouldn’t have been anything this gross for her to find 🤷‍♀️

That conversation is really gross and it definitely sounds like cheating on you is no big deal to him, and he’s very likely done it before. I don’t think that’s normal banter, I think it’s revolting.

I haven't rtft because I got bored reading the sanctimonious replies chastising you for going through his phone, so this may have been said. What struck me was the reason he wouldn't try it on with her was the consequences to his career, not to his marriage.

Can you imagine a world where you’re talking about a guy from work in that creepy way and your mate says ‘Will you try it on?’ Speaks volumes about what he’s like and what he says around his friends, sorry Op. he sounds horrible.

@PulpKitchen I agree with those saying trust your instincts. Sending pics of other women with aubergine emojis to mates shows clear intention and it being so casually received demonstrates a complete lack of respect for you by the both of them. It also gives the impression that this sort of 'harmless bants' is commonplace between DH and his friend. Wondering what else might be suggested by some here as a perfectly reasonable explanation, peer pressure? His mate called him soft after he said he loves you so much that he'd never look at another woman, and this is him upping the ante with the boys cos he's a Bloody Bloke? Some dickhead tried that one with me once, guess what he was up to all sorts............

No, snooping is NOT worse than cheating, I don't know why anybody would suggest otherwise.

And why is everybody talking about 'maybe she's northern'??? Jesus..........

I would be completely fine about DP seeing any message or search history etc, and vice versa. Tbh, I don't see it as a big deal. Not even a small deal.

Our phones are left lying around and he would know my password as I've occasionally had to ring and ask him to check messages. I don't know if he's kept my password or not. I can't remember his password but I've also had to use it in the past. Am I a wee bit weird?
(now my eBay history would be a different matter entirely 😂)

Absolutely this! Some of these responses are unbelievable.

MNs are crazy.
Obviously talking how other people are hot is MUCH worse than going through your partners phone.

I am married and it never occured to me my DH should be banned from my phone, bank details etc.
Why do people even get married??

We regularly use each others phones and I am sure he does have a litlle sneak peak into my messages, so do I. We are all humans.

What do you people have on your phones that you think you partner should not see it under any circumstances?! My phone content is enough to send anyone to sleep. I dont care who sees it!

Yuck.

OP - you haven’t. You had a good reason and you were proved right. Ignore the creeps.

This is the normal, moderate view.

To apply total ban to one's phone is an absolute red flag and those that adhere to it should be avoided at all costs.

You don’t want to split? He’s basically admitting that he wants to put his dick inside her (aubergine emoji) And that a ‘few’ (likely less than 12) years ago he would have tried it on!

He’s cheated on you in the past, sorry but I’m 100% convinced and I’m 100% convinced he will again. He basically admitted the only reason he didn’t try it on this time is because he is senior at work! The fact he’s comfortable messaging his friend a photo of another woman and all the following conversation proves that he openly cheats and his friend isn’t shocked at all by it!

Get angry! Get proof, get a divorce!

Get a life!. Do you know what? I'd take my chances. By God, the crime in this country is through the roof, hardly think they gonna send in the bloody big guns are they 🙄.

So he’d have tried it on when she was a teenager?! Eeewwwww!!!

Only for those who keep their phones a secret from their spouses which is an enigma to me. It's obviously not an offence if there is mutual agreement.

Great for you but I would be devastated if a partner read my phone and it has NOTHING to do with lack of trust. Very difficult for other people to understand, clearly, but it's a level of invasiveness that would really affect me.
"if you've got nothing to hide" just doesn't apply for some people because it's not always about that 🤷‍♀️

Technically, he hasn’t done anything wrong here. While it might feel uncomfortable or gross, being married doesn’t mean he’s suddenly not allowed to notice or be attracted to other people. I know both men and women who talk graphically about people they fancy. It’s a case of looking but not touching (or being inappropriate towards those involved).

What would concern me more is that he admitted he would have gone for it in the past, that suggests blurred boundaries.

That being said, the biggest red flag here isn’t him, it’s the fact that you felt the need to sneak onto his phone and invade his privacy. You say it’s because he’s not open with you, but that alone is a sign that something fundamental is off in the relationship. If you don’t trust him, that’s already telling you everything you need to know.

You don’t need to justify your actions or keep listing what he did or didn’t do. If you can’t have a direct, honest conversation with him and trust that he’ll give you a straight answer, then what’s the point? A relationship without basic trust and communication isn’t one worth staying in.

OK, update time. I confronted him this evening. He was not remorseful. He said it was all a joke and that his friend knew it wasn’t serious, and their messages were ‘tongue in cheek’ 🫡🙄 Obviously tried the double spin on me in outrage for looking at his messages. I asked him how he’d feel with it being the other way around…‘I’d be pissed off like you but I wouldn’t go down your phone in the first place. I’m hoping for some kind of resolution, it needs to be talked out more, I’m not going to get the answers I think my brain wants to piece together though.