How bad is my situation - am i delusional?

[SharpOliveUser]

Hi all,

need some perspective and advice. I am 32, childless by choice but married. Me and dh own our own home.

I earn 44,000 a year (my dh similar) but i am in quite a bit of debt. My partner knows i am in debt but not the extent. To be honest i wasnt aware of the extent - ive just been feeling more and more squeezed by the minimums.

when i’ve sat down and totalled it up my personal debt (credit cards and personal loans) is just shy of 50k. I am in shock.

this has been accumulated over the last ten years of living above my means/travelling.

However, the thought of tackling it seems so daunting - life is so short and there are so many things i want to do/ places i want to travel.

i also have a horse and he costs me a significant amount - i have recently considered sending him away for training as i dont currently enjoy riding him but now i am thinking maybe i should sell? I would get about 10k for him in the current market and as i say i dont enjoy him. However being a horse owner and an equestrian is such a big part of my identity so i am dragging my feet. Realistically when will i be able to justify buying another horse and i will miss the horse world very much.

i guess i just need some perspective on how urgent/ bad my situation is and some advice on how to proceed without getting too depressed. 😔

my only savings total 500 pounds

Can’t help thinking OP should discuss the debt with the DH. If these holidays have been joint and a horse what does DH think has been funded their lifestyle. This level of debt must have been built up over years can’t see OP changing things whilst clearly living for today. Seriously the figures don’t add up keeping a horse (shoes, vets, food, stabling, livery, rugs to just start with) but only 500 savings. Seems a almost stealth boast I ran up loads of debt to live my life how I want but tell me I’m stupid to keep living this way.

equestrian here!
yes I would sell. The right horse for you will be enjoyable anyway - it’s not like you’re getting much out of it - ie if you were having loads of fun, I’d say keep, part loan, working livery, etc.

you earn enough money that if you cut back massively on spending, you could be debt free within a few years. Then you can worry about getting back into horses.

future you should not live beyond ur means.

What matters more OP? Your DH or the horse?

Honestly, the horse needs to go. You need to clear you debt. You're not being honest with the person you promised to spend your life together with.

You're not being honest with yourself either.

I don't know you sleep at night.

At least that would clear £10k.

You need to prove to yourself you can get ontop of this.

Sorry but you sound like your boundaries are shockingly bad.

I feel sorry for your DH.

The horse is just an ego thing. Your ego is the problem. You really really need to take a long hard look at yourself and your values in life.

Do the decent thing. Dismantle who you are. Go clean. And then rebuild a new version of you. Stop pussy footing around. Grasp the nettle. It will be painful but you will feel relief.

Sell your horse. Don’t spend more money on a horse you don’t enjoy riding. Try for a few months to really get your debt down (with no insurance/ livery/ fees costs this should be easier). Then look to share or loan a horse on a monthly basis which is much more affordable and less risky if you don’t gel with the horse. Good luck!

How much do you spend on the horse per month? If you sell then apply the upkeep to your debt you could probably be debt free in, what, four years? This is absolutely the right thing to do.

She didn't go "jetting off again within a few months" unless someone else was paying - bankruptcy terms last at least 12 months.

How are you managing to hide that amount of debt?
Or are you just paying it off with your salary, then putting more on the credit card? Not a sustainable way to live, but you know this.
Having a horse is a massive commitment, but by selling him doesn’t mean you have to exit the horse world completely.

This is just the worst advice ever. The OP is balanced on a knife edge here and it will only take a little to tip them over.
Vet bill for horse that you can't even put on a credit card, so you are left with an unsellable horse ?
Interest rates spike(OP is barely servicing the outgoings they have? Could lose your home, will the horse be worth it?

OP's told us that some of the £50k is in personal loans (so not all CC) and on these she will have to make contractual repayments which she can't risk defaulting on.

Sorry OP must of missed that! Same rules apply really / refinance the loans to better deals if you can. Also if it’s available to you and your loan interest is steep you can get 0% money transfers with some credit cards to pay off loans early to try and save your self interest. Just remember to keep a track of when all your deals end so you can keep switching and staving off interest while you repay!

Why would OP pay for the services of an IFA when there are a number of free debt advice charities in the UK? Citizens Advice, StepChange, PayPlan, National Debtline, Christians Against Poverty, Debt Advice Foundation, to name just a few.

Then definitely get rid. The longer you keep it the more likely retraining will be required and the less likely you'll get that kind of money for it. Assume you also have livery bills etc - that'll make a massive dent in that debt.

Can't believe you're even asking the question!! Yes sell the horse asap! £50k is ridiculousy high debt. You need to prioritise getting that sorted over everything else.

However being a horse owner and an equestrian is such a big part of my identity

But you don’t ride/ muck out / groom each day? You’re not really an equestrian, are you?

And being so much in debt - you need to have a long hard think about your spending. A lot of single people manage very well on your salary, and you’ve got an earning husband as well. Time to think carefully about your priorities.

In short, you are delusional.

If it helps OP - horsey women are still horsey types when they don’t own a horse.

I didn’t own my horse but I was in a significant amount of debt because of the one I had on loan. I miss everything about it except the stress of not having money, but am now debt free (apart from the mortgage that I never would have got then!).

I did a debt management plan. It was a weight off my shoulders and I don’t regret it for a second.

I know what you mean about your identity (I’m still the ‘horsey’ person in my friend group despite not having had one for 6years), but life is a lot easier and less stressful now.

Sell the horse and use the spare time you aren’t training/riding/caring for the horse to get another job or train to improve your career and earn more. At the same time work out a plan to pay off your debts. Sell anything you can and focus on earning more. It is doable but you need to be honest with your DH as his lifestyle is about to seriously change too.

I'd be pretty upset if my husband had £50k of debt that he (a) hadn't told me about and (b) wasn't actively trying to reduce in all ways possible.

Sell the horse - he's not the right one for you anyway. Pay off Cc with the proceeds. Your debt is then 40k. Almost your full pre-tax annual salary.
Use your 500 savings to pay off Cc.
Put ALL the costs of horse ownership into a direct debit paying off the next Cc.
Draw up a budget for the rest of your income. Cut out anything that doesn't make you really happy, and put that money into a direct debit to the Cc.

Find a way to tell DH.

You are living far beyond what your income allows and you need to get a grip. Have a look at the “debt snowball” method

www.ramseysolutions.com/debt/how-the-debt-snowball-method-works?srsltid=AfmBOopP1dauAKbTervYeXGb3tQ8Hk3jlnZnnnNEoHwX8BeSiir8sAxW#cookie-banner

If you have a horse you know you will never have any savings but it is a lifestyle choice. However you say you don’t enjoy this particular horse. If you sell it would you get another?

OP, good on you for finally being honest with yourself. Years ago I got into a similar position and was close to 40k in debt and without a stitch to show for it. I was chasing my dream career in London and I accumulated a lot of it by just living on credit cards and then rolling it into a loan and then doing it all over again on another credit card. I understand how it’s possible to do that!

Can you afford the monthly payments or are you borrowing more each month just to cover the basics? It could be worth talking to CAP or Step Change and seeing what your options are. Maybe an IVA is the only way out of this?

The good news is, you absolutely can work your way out if it but it’s not going to be easy. 10 years on I’ve now dealt with my debt but there was a lot of ‘going without’ in order to pay it off.

Do you own your own home with a mortgage, or outright?

If outright, it's not that bad.

If you have a mortgage, especially a big one, it's very very bad.

You are running a champagne lifestyle on lemonade money. Everyone would prefer to travel and live lavishly, but it's complete madness to just put it on credit. Be honest with yourself: are you on social media and addicted to impressing people with your fancy lifestyle? If so come off social media, sort this out and start living in reality

100 percent, SELL THE HORSE. You need to knuckle down have a few boring years and pay off this debt. You need to face the reality that your income is not enough to fund the lifestyle you want.

Also I'm not exactly sure what happens to your debt when you die but just check because of your house is in your name, it might be used to pay off these debts and where would that leave your partner?

I think you need to sit down and have a look at your spending. How much is this debt increasing every year?

I think you can get help from .gov or citizens advice on budgeting and debt management.

I've never had to pay a penny to mine, he charges a fee to the mortgage or loan companies. Also if you had a reasonably good rapport with them and will use them again when it's remortgage time then they will sometimes just offer some helpful tips.