How bad is my situation - am i delusional?

[SharpOliveUser]

Hi all,

need some perspective and advice. I am 32, childless by choice but married. Me and dh own our own home.

I earn 44,000 a year (my dh similar) but i am in quite a bit of debt. My partner knows i am in debt but not the extent. To be honest i wasnt aware of the extent - ive just been feeling more and more squeezed by the minimums.

when i’ve sat down and totalled it up my personal debt (credit cards and personal loans) is just shy of 50k. I am in shock.

this has been accumulated over the last ten years of living above my means/travelling.

However, the thought of tackling it seems so daunting - life is so short and there are so many things i want to do/ places i want to travel.

i also have a horse and he costs me a significant amount - i have recently considered sending him away for training as i dont currently enjoy riding him but now i am thinking maybe i should sell? I would get about 10k for him in the current market and as i say i dont enjoy him. However being a horse owner and an equestrian is such a big part of my identity so i am dragging my feet. Realistically when will i be able to justify buying another horse and i will miss the horse world very much.

i guess i just need some perspective on how urgent/ bad my situation is and some advice on how to proceed without getting too depressed. 😔

my only savings total 500 pounds

If you don't enjoy riding your horse - could you sell the horse and ride someone else's for them?

You are clearly living above your means and the interest on the debt is accumulating - its ok now as your working, but what if? you lost your job, got pregnant etc - you'd be in a right mess

You'll get some satisfaction cleaning it as its something accomplished.

@Caligirl80 "One would think the DH would be very concerned about this because married people typically share debts as well as income!!" I don't think you meant this the way it reads, so just to clarify, OP has indicated that the almost £50k of personal loan and credit card debt is in her sole name so her DH isn't responsible for it (and given that he's not even aware of how large the debt actually is, he's in for a bit of a shock if/when OP tells him).

Speak to step change.

If you and your DH earn similar amounts, and go on all these holidays together, I can't help wondering whether he has similar debts, OP? You've said that he knows you're in debt, but he could be too, and like you, he may be keeping it to himself. So in your shoes, I think you should speak to him sooner rather than later, as he may not realise his financial situation either.

I would also add that the person who suggested that you sell your horse, and put some capital aside so that you know you might be able to afford another horse later on, if you want one, is giving you bad advice. At this point, you need to sell the horse, and any other luxury items that you don't actually use/need, designer bags, jewellry, etc., and pay whatever you can off of the debt. Stop using your phone, or cards to pay for things, and draw out cash for daily spends, this will help make you aware of where your money is going, as with cash, when it's gone, it's gone.

You say 'I've just been feeling more and more squeezed by the minimums', what do you mean by this? Have you only been paying the minimum off of all cards etc., each month? If so, then this needs to stop! You need to throw every spare penny at paying off your debts, otherwise, if one or both of you were to lose your job, or have a life changing accident, which happened to me, you could be in serious trouble, and possibly end up losing your home.

The horse needs training but is currently worth 10k? I'm putting my lot on Horsemart tonight!

Offload the horse OP, sell all the gear. Do it now before winter or before it lands you with a vets bill you can't afford.

People have different attitudes to debt. Booking holidays when you haven’t paid off the previous one is quite reckless in my opinion. I haven’t used my credit card in years and when I did I would repay the amount each month. After we repaid the mortgage we have had no debt. We save and then spend.

Sell the horse . Sell all the paraphernalia that comes with owning a horse, trailer , coats. Sell all the clothes, handbags and anything else you don’t use on vinted. I was like you to a certain extent
, not as much debt maybe 5k and have kids . Only earning £21,000 as a nurse. Today i couldn’t believe how far I came when I left the next sale empty handed thinking i could buy all cheaper from eBay/ vinted . Plus I don’t need it anyway

@XelaM You are right, life is for living but not when you are in as much debt as the OP with no plans to pay it off. As stated in the OP she is already feeling the pinch monthly just keeping up with the minimum payments. Keep doing this forever and the debt will only get bigger, you might as well have poured the minimum payments down the plughole.

Sooner or later she won't be able to borrow any more to "live" her life and enjoy it whilst she can, she won't be able to places she wants to as she won't be able to get into any more debt to fund it.

Being in debt is exhausting, perhaps if you are paying it off with a plan in mind, less so but there is no plan and the debt currently is not being reduced.

OP if you are struggling now with just the minimum payments it is only going to get a whole lot worse. You are living beyond your means and in time the debt will be £60k and so on forever.

Whilst it might be "fun" to do as you please and grab life by the horns and do all the things you can't afford to do there is a very long life ahead of you. Rest assured you do not want to get to retirement age with nothing to show for it, scrabbling around with pennies to heat your house etc (assuming you still have one and it was not repossessed etc when you couldn't meet the mortgage payments).

I say all of this as a person with a horse (so understand the lifestyle etc) and someone who has been in debt. I was in a very similar situation to you about 20 years ago. I had to give up the horses, sort out a payment plan and get real with my debt. It consumed me, literally all I could think about day and night. I did pay it off and gradually over the years raised my income. I do not owe a penny to anyone, earn a lot more and bought my horse 3 years ago safe in the knowledge I had enough income and savings/pension to look after her for her lifetime.

I do hope you read all the messages on here and take this seriously. It is serious, it could have a huge impact on you for the rest of your life. You need to put aside the horses for a while and sort this out. I feel stressed on your behalf just reading your OP, knowing how much the damn beasts cost. (£10 for a bag of bedding! You might as well tear up a tenner and chuck on the muck heap).

My colleague lives a very luxurious Insta life. Multiple holidays both abroad and in the UK, SUV, hair, lashes and nailsbdone regularly, multiple boob jobs/butt lifts, lypo, Botox, teeth, filler everywhere. She was in approximately £50k worth of debt, went bankrupt got it all written off and within a few months was jetting off again. Some bs story as to why someone else was to blame for her situation and no insight whatsoever that she can't afford her lifestyle. She's a similar age to OP, appears to have no concept of saving up or going with out, makes me sick that she's not changed anything about her lifestyle.

It's a heck of a lot not to have been fully aware of.

I suppose how serious it is depends on how much you have left over after essentials and how much you owe each month. If you're struggling with the minimum repayments that's not good...interest builds.

I have the same thought as PPs. Your husband earns the same and presumably has much the same lifestyle, possibly minus the horse. Is he in debt too?

There are organisations to help you. Don't bury your head in the sand. It's more common than you think and solutions are available but you need to face up to it.

Your student loans is debt!

Cut up your credit cards and contact a debt charity to help you come up with a real plan, if you could make a plan on your own, you would have had one already.

Sell the horse!!!!!

Husband or partner?

£125,000 would buy you a house round where I live

Student loan isn't like other debt. Let's not pretend. I've never repaid a penny of mine. I'm not in any debt and have my own home. It will stay there gaining interest until written off.

Yep-that’s what I thought. That’s what made me thing “Yep. Definieky delusional!”

You pay a percentage out of your earnings over the threshold if you’re an employee.

I really don’t think about mine like a loan. It’s another line on my payslip like income tax and NICs. The repayments are just money I don’t have. It will get written off eventually.

Yes, that is a very bad situation. If you can't see that then yes, you are delusional I'm afraid. That level of debt on that income is huge!! You owe more than your yearly salary and for what sounds like lifestyle choices rather than essentials.

Sell the horse, learn to budget, and live a lifestyle within your means. You don't have a high enough salary to have a horse and lots of travel.

OP was there an independent financial adviser who helped you arrange your mortgage? Talk to them if so. I was £25k in debt at your age and our IFA helped me pay it off.

Yes, 10k is conservative, HOYs standard show horse, just too sharp for me hence i dont enjoy riding

Agreed, student loan is a payslip deduction rather than a debt

• have look at bbc player radio 4 - Money box. Few months ago there was good program about people in debt and how you can get help.
• speak with bank, they can be really helpful when it comes to (give you holidays from interest).
• if you have any credit cards try to transfer the debt to 0% interest ones.
• cut all extras and limit your expenses
• sell the horse

You say you’ll get 10k for your horse but then say you are thinking of sending him off for training! If that’s the case unless he has amazing bloodlines and has a good track record, I doubt you’ll get 10k!

See above response - HOYs show horse

You can’t afford the horse. You don’t enjoy riding the horse. The horse would raise at least £10k.

sorry but the horse should go. plough any money you get from said horse sale into paying down your debts. Take what you pay out each month for the horse and pay down the debt further.

Make a 2-3 year plan to clear as much of the debt as possible and the perhaps look at horse ownership again.

Sorry but IMO horse ownership is for people with 6 figure incomes and no other major expenses. It is insanely expensive. I wouldn’t be surprised if that horse accounts for the majority of your debt problem. He needs to be sold, not instantly, find him a good home but it’s got to happen.

There are plenty of other ways to be involved in the horse world. Absolutely loads of volunteer opportunities - at a local stables, rescue centre, riding for the disabled or at equestrian events.