To think that most parents find saying ‘no’ to children very difficult?

[Mumbletoomuch]

I’m struggling with the fact my very reasonable friends seem incapable or scared of saying no to their children.

Child wants to eat the last homemade cupcake (second helping) when everyone else has had one? Of course. Just eats the icing off and wastes the rest? Just laughs it off

Child has friends over to play but wants to watch telly for hours straight? Meaning the play date is a TV marathon? Of course

Child wants huge monster slushy at a birthday party, when the hosts have provided squash? Of course. Many other children then start whining at their parents for the same? Of course

Child wants to role play with parent while they’re having a conversation with a friend? Of course. This means the adult conversation is disjointed and pointless, not a problem.

I’ve become self-conscious about how many boundaries and ‘no’ I give to my children, or if it is legitimately annoying and lazy parenting. We go on holidays, we do fun things, I play with them, we watch TV, they eat sweets, but I say no to a lot during the day. I would say no or boundary set in all the above examples.

AIBU?

Tacky 😂😂

Well said!

As the party organiser, the kids aren’t going to ask their parents. They are going to clamour around me, and I’m going to be faced with 25 children also wanting an £8 slushy, plus mine feeling hard done by because Violet Beauregard is swanning around with a massive fancy drink.

If your child also wanted a big cake with a candle on it at somebody else’s birthday, would you say “well they sell cakes and candles, so why not?” When you are invited round to somebody’s house for dinner, do you order a takeaway for one to be delivered and sit and eat it by yourself on their sofa while they watch, because you were still a bit peckish after the meal? After all, if Deliveroo exists, why not?

Or would you think that buying extra things that nobody else has at somebody else’s party is rude to the host and crass for the other guests?

How often do you see these same parents, and do you know how often they say yes or no?

I say no to my son all the time, but if he has eaten well, it's a hot day and he asked for an ice cream, I wouldn't be thinking "oooh, maybe the other children around might want one too when they've had junk all day and been bratty".

Good lord, what a load of bollocks. Your child going with the flow at a kids party or thinking of others occasionally is really not limiting their world experiences or harming them in any way. Where do people come up up with this BS 🤣 🤨

I will say I fully agree with you on the smart phone thing. Ds is only little but I work with kids who have smart phones at age 5 which is just, in my mind, dangerous. I do think that's something where a cultural shift would benefit our kids in general and it would be amazing if parents were more united in that. But again, that's the reality of the world I'm parenting in. I know I'll probably be a bit later in saying yes to things like sleepovers and smart tech than other parents in ds's class, but those are hills I'm prepared to die on because they are related to his safety. A slushie at a party - not so much (even though I wouldn't allow ds this at his age either). There's something to be said for picking your battles and recognising that other parents are doing the same. I think you can go too far saying no, to the point it becomes meaningless and kids rebel especially older kids or lose confidence in themselves to manage themselves because it's done for them in such a risk adverse way. When I say no I want ds to understand there's a reason and I'm not just saying it constantly.

You do realise why some people have main character syndrome, reading some of this.

I'm totally mind blown 🤯

And your child won’t be harmed by the realisation that all children and families are different, have different rules and they can’t always have what someone else does.
It sounds like a good life lesson really. If they struggle to cope with that you might need to work on it.

My children wouldn't ever ask anyone organizing a party for a slushie, they'd ask me. And whether or not I allowed it would be a massively nuanced thing, and not a worry of being tacky. Almost entirely down to his temperature and hydration actually because overheating and dehydrating are both seizure trigger for him so ice lollies and cold drinks are pretty liberally allowed. That's my eldest. My youngest wouldn't ask, she only drinks milk and water and is horrified by colourful or fizzy drinks.

Agree with all the pp saying that that there's probably an element of not wanting to cause a scene. One of my DC has a habit of going nuclear if you use the word 'no' too many times in quick succession. It's a bit like shaking a bottle of coke (and yes before you ask he has been referred to have this looked into).

So whe we're out and about I would tend to pick my battles and save using 'no' for things that are actually unsafe, violent or damaging. I have no doubt it looks like weak parenting, but I find the people that judge that would be equally judgy about public meltdowns so there's no winning.

The slushy thing as I said earlier is tacky AF @LemondrizzleShark was much more articulate than I. I actually do have a family member who would think nothing of inviting themselves over and only buying themselves a Takeaway. Guess who we all hate and who is all alone now as 50yo woman? That's what these kids grow up to be.

My DC wouldn't even think of asking for a slushy if all their friends were having squash, they wouldn't even notice it. If this is something yours would do then that's exactly the problem. Like I said I can explain it to you, I can't understand it for you.

🤣🤣 I think the thread has been proven! And consequently derailed.

The fact that there are quite a few adults here unable to read a situation is mind boggling! It also explains so much.

My kids aren’t the ones having a meltdown because they know that if we go to soft play for a party vs soft play with a small group of friends vs soft play as a family, each comes with slightly different social cues.
Not rocket science…or so I thought!

Likewise, TV time on a play date vs weekday vs weekend etc all have different social cues. It really isn’t that complicated.

I do what I’ve already said upthread.

I say no to mine because I don’t have an issue with doing so and explain why. As I said several times, I don’t care what other parents choose to buy or give their children. If another parent buys their child a slushie, cupcake, whatever I’m not going to care and even more likely not going to notice because I’m more concentrated on the behaviour of my own and if he is having fun.

It is not my job to tell a parent what they can and can’t buy their child. They have their boundaries and rules, and I have mine. I may not agree with theirs, the same way they may not agree with mine, still not my business unless their child touches mine.

I have no issue with saying no, and my DC will ask for the slushie/last cupcake etc, but they accept ‘no. We’re here for x’s party and squash is the drink’ ‘no, you’ve had a cupcake and that’s plenty. Let’s leave it for Uncle Steve to have when he gets home from work’. I think these all teach better consideration. All of the examples in the OP demonstrate, to me, single-mindedness and little consideration for other people.

I do find it rude when a friend completely interrupts our conversation to have a conversation or game with their child. I wouldn’t mind if they modelled some acknowledgement. ‘Sorry OP. Bella, I’m trying to talk to OP, so just quickly’

FYI the results sit at around 80-85% YANBU

Perfectly put.
I find it so odd that other posters don't see the issue with the slushy thing, thought I was going mad.

DS2 is the same. He would ask us not anyone else. He asks us if he can have more of what is already offered at parties. He likes us to go to parties with him. He does the same at home even though he is welcome to help himself except when it comes to junk food.

And yet you haven’t explained anything other than apparently the only acceptable thing for kids to do is follow the crowd.
Sorry if you’re so insecure in your own parenting that you need others to adjust theirs so you can avoid saying no, but that’s on you. I’m not the one who feels the need to rant about kids being spoilt, adult you hate or other nasty comment. You’re the only one doing that, if that’s the behaviour you model then crack on.
I will make decisions for my child that I’m happy with and I’m not going to factor you into that. It’s weird that offends you.

I don’t care that my child wants a slushie in an open cafe. If I think they’ve been well behaved, I’m happy to spend the money and they aren’t demanding it then I will get it for them. I don’t do it because I’m afraid of their reaction if I say no, nor do I say no because another parent doesn’t have the conviction to hold their own boundaries.

It isn’t so much problem saying no though it seems to be more a lack of parenting.

this thread has made me realise that parenting has changed even since I had mine (16/12) and that parenting young children in the 2020s is different to when I did.

DD didn’t have access to an IPad until she was 6 (when we got one) and neither me nor DH had Smartphones similar time. DS first saw one at 3 - I mean TikTok is younger than them. So for me the phone obsession started really as a teen for DD and a tween for DS so most of my parental boundaries have been put in place. The kids themselves put a no electronics on when we eat out or have special family meals (not every night) and ur it to chat and play games - because that is how it has always been

@Hodgemollar Its called social etiquette 🤦🏼‍♀️

You have totally missed the point 😒 go back and read the thread. Why would you think your inferior parents would make people feel insecure, they'd either just judge you silently or feel smug.

If you judge someone or feel smug because they are happy to make a different decision to you that’s totally on you. I couldn’t imagine doing that based on one short interaction with someone, but then I’m a dick.

Smug because your kid drinks squash?

I mean. Each to their own. There are some things in life that aren’t that deep, a child having a slushy is probably one of them.

I think you mean not a dick, and agreed - being judged for not parenting the exact way someone else does is fairly dick level behaviour.

@Isitreallysohard Apparently it really is that hard to understand 🤣🤦🏼‍♀️