To think women taking their husband’s name doesn’t have to be sexist?

[RealNavyEagle]

I know it’s a traditional thing and some people see it as outdated or patriarchal but I actually think there’s something quite nice about a whole family sharing the same name. It doesn’t feel like “losing my identity” to me, just part of building a shared one.

AIBU to think it’s not automatically a regressive choice and that it can just be a personal one?

Ugh. The point of feminism was to give people a choice.

Actually no. The point of feminism is to eliminate the oppression of women.

Interesting. Your arguments about your children’s surname don’t really stand up, though. Why do you not understand women wanting their children to have their name? Do you understand why men want their children to have their name? Why would it have caused an argument?

It’s both, it doesn’t have to be one or the other.

It was no more your father’s name than your name. It is each of yours equally.

You’re missing the point- what I don’t understand is this idea that some women want the whole family to share the same name, so to achieve that, they change their name. I don’t mind being the odd one out! A common name does not a family make!

It often is one or the other. Women are still being oppressed when society purports to give them a choice, but societal pressures and expectations significantly erode that choice.

@Ughmusti My husband wanted to have the same last name as ours. So he changed his 👍

You said you think there’s something nice about the whole family having the same name but what does that have to do with them having the husband’s name? It is a personal choice but you can’t ignore the history.

My whole family has my name, husband included.

A quick Google (very happy for someone to provide more robust data!) suggests that around 85-90% of women take their husband’s surname and about 1% of men take their wife’s. Interesting.

I agree with some comments about the idea of ‘maiden names’ and engagement rings. I don’t consider myself to have a maiden name as it’s not medieval times, and even if it were, I hadn’t been a so-called ‘maiden’ for some time before I got married. I don’t have an engagement ring for the same reason that I don’t have my husband’s surname; to me, they’re practices that are symbolic of the oppression of women.

So you’re happy for your children to share an identity with your DH (who would cause an argument if you’d wanted to give the children your name) but not with you? Why?

What a load of crap. I am still using my DH's surname over 20 years after we separated - am I still under his ownership? I know a lot of strong women who have taken their DH's name, presumably because they wish to.

All these rabid feminists seem to overlook the fact that a woman can choose to take her husband's surname (which actually still seems to be more common than not) for whatever reason she wishes to, and just because you don't wish to do so doesn't mean you can try and tell others what they should be doing and belittling those who don't fall into agreement with you. You are all so intent on women being able to do whatever they want - except this apparently.

I’m so tired of this “I’m a woman, so everything I choose to do is a feminist act”. Of course it’s not. Women chose patriarchy all the time. Because it’s the path of least resistance; because it’s rewarded; because it’s normalised; etc.

It’s still very common for women to take their husbands’ names and exceptionally rare for men to change to their wives’ names. This is because women are conditioned to believe that their name/ personal identity/ independence isn’t as important as their husband’s and men are conditioned to believe the same.

Of course it’s a sexist choice- it’s a choice that has been shaped by sexism and reinforces the same.

Women can do whatever they want.

Include make sexist choices.

“Rabid feminists”? 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

None of us are telling women what to do.

Interested to know...for those of you who have retained your family name, what title do you go by?

Ms for me.

Dr.

Ms.

Ms

I have been Ms since I was 14 and first heard it as an option.

Really heartened by all the people on the thread agreeing this is sexist and entrenched patriarchy.

I kept my own name when I got married and I also go by Ms. I offered DH the choice of taking my surname or us coming up with a new surname together, but made it clear I wouldn't be taking his. He declined 😂 so we both just have our own names, it's all good.

I have my mother's surname, she didn't change hers when she married my dad either - my brother has his surname which I guess just seemed a sensible way to do it for them.

Ms. Just as I’ve been since the 1970s.

I wish we didn't have Mrs / Mr /etc and instead had symbols, e.g.

⭐ = male
🌙 = female

Then no surnames at all. There's no need for them. Just first names thank you please.

It was a weird day when I learned that in the UK men don't wear engagement rings.

The tradition of taking the husbands name being sexist and woman choosing to take it can co-exist. We are shaped by the society, norms and traditions.