To think women taking their husband’s name doesn’t have to be sexist?

[RealNavyEagle]

I know it’s a traditional thing and some people see it as outdated or patriarchal but I actually think there’s something quite nice about a whole family sharing the same name. It doesn’t feel like “losing my identity” to me, just part of building a shared one.

AIBU to think it’s not automatically a regressive choice and that it can just be a personal one?

Have you read the OP? She says ‘To think women taking their husband’s name doesn’t have to be sexis’

I don’t think anyone is being castigated for taking their husband’s surname -‘it’s simply being pointed out that doing so is not a feminist action.

Which is fine. We are not just one action. Being aware of the social context that we make decisions in is feminist.

That's wonderful- im not knocking it, just saying how i feel 💗
That is the whole point, each to their own🙂

I was happily married for 40 years, just different to you🙂

It depends on the reason for changing your surname and isn’t necessarily sexist.

I much preferred my husband’s surname to the one I was born with. Our oldest DS changed his name to his grandmother’s maiden name just because, and middle DS has taken his wife’s surname as she was already well established in her career.

My daughter will definitely marry a man with a better name, she's 11. Our surname is so harsh and ugly. I remember when I met my SIL for the first time, before I'd ever met my DH, and my thought on hearing her surname was how can someone so pretty have such an ugly name. Now it's mine for life and she got married and got a better name 🙈🤣

Of course not. I know some people who've taken it because they just like DH's surname more than their own. I kept my own not so much out of feminism but because it works really well with my first name, and people can't spell DH's surname, but the kids have it because my surname is also quite boring and common and his is quite interesting and distinctive.

Why would you choose to have an ugly surname you dislike? Ridiculous.

The PP did not do that. She claimed that a particular utterance was stupid, not a specific person, and she certainly didn’t call anybody names. It’s there in black and white.

I changed my name as I did not want my abusive biological mothers name, abusive adoptive fathers or abusive ex-husband name. I choose my name myself and when I was marrying my now husband I wanted to keep part of the identity I created for myself. I decided to hyphenate my name with my husbands, I am proud to be part of his family.

I have commented on similar threads to this one - but for me, @MyWarmOchreHare, I was making a positive choice to get away from my maiden name. When I was at school, it was the basis of a nasty nickname that was used to bully me for five solid years - the bullying was so bad I was having suicidal thoughts by the time I was 14 - at one point, I had a penknife blade pressed to my wrist, but luckily it was too blunt.

As a result, I’ve always hated my surname, and was more than happy to take dh’s surname.

I have been married over 30 years, and it was definitely the norm, as far as I was aware, anyway, for women to take their husbands name on marriage.

But even though I am completely happy with my decision to take dh’s name, I will defend to the hilt the right of other women to keep their own name, for their dh is to take their name, for them to choose a whole new surname, to hyphenate - there are many options, and no-one should feel they have to make a particular choice. In short, I’m glad things are changing, but I would still make the same decision today - for my very personal reasons.

I think the question I would be asking is why your partner is attached to his surname (if I’m inferring correctly that he is) more so than you are to yours. The difficulty is it’s hard to prove the cause as social conditioning in an individual case, but when looking at big picture data across a community or society, those patterns clearly exist. Anecdotally, I have one female friendship group where everyone but me took their husband’s surname. The reasons included some (like you) saying they weren’t particularly attached to their surnames, others that their husbands wanted them to and they didn’t feel strongly about it, and one that it was just a ‘nice’ thing to do. These are all highly educated women with interesting and successful careers who would generally balk at sexist practices and conventions otherwise.

My husband wouldn’t have been comfortable with me taking his name as he sees women taking men’s surnames as part of the historical oppression of women. I couldn’t have been with a man who thought about this in any other way. I think when we’re in a position surname choice is genuinely done by fair means, we will have moved forwards. For example, if a couple wants the same name, they can combine names, choose a new name, or toss a coin to decide whose name they take.

I agree with you that it’s definitely worth interrogation the conscious/unconscious beliefs behind this issue.

My uncles both changed their name on marriage, as they had a difficult surname. My mum too, though she swapped for my Dad's... unwieldy one.

I grew up with that unwieldy surname. My brother took his wife's name. I took my husband's purely because it sounded better, but he was up for making a new one, or going double barrelled (the latter arundel ridiculous; the former we couldn't find anything we liked).

I worked damn hard in my 20s (and beyond!) to build a reputation in my industry under MY NAME. I’ll be damned if I were to throw that history away just because I married someone. Interestingly he refused my surname and wouldn’t have changed his to be double-barrelled. He also insisted our children took his name, but I don’t mind that- that will be their identity.

I do enjoy correcting people when they refer to him as my ‘partner’ when they see our different surnames, though. He’s still my husband. But we don’t agree on everything.

We pretty much only got married so that we would become "The Smiths".

"The Smiths have invited us for dinner". "The Smiths are doing a bbq this weekend". "Christmas at The Smiths".

We're modern in every other way. I have the career and I'm the higher earner, we're childfree by choice and I'm very independent, but we just wanted that sense of 'team'.

Out of curiosity (I promise I'm not trying to poke the bear- genuinely curious) why were you happy for the children to take his name but not the other way around?

I’m incredibly lazy and avoid life admin at every opportunity. The amount of faff involved in changing my name was out of the question. It amuses me that people think it was a feminist gesture when it was sheer idleness.

I was going to ask the same.

It was important to me for DC to have my name too so we double barrelled DC's last name.

My brothers don't see their surname as "their dads" it's theirs. Just like my surname isn't "my dad's" it's mine. The name I was born with

The societal change that I find uncomfortable is unmarried couples where the children have their father's name. If you have to take proof of motherhood when travelling as sole parent on a plane it's kinda ok if keeping your maiden name is a declaration of self but if it's cos you gave your kids your DP name you are kinda bowing to patriarchy almost more than if you got married and took his name.

NB 35 years plus married and have my own name. It's very teaseworthy and hard to spell but historic, so it's one of DCs middle names.

It always seems that those who change their name
on marriage as they (delete as appropriate) I didn’t like my name, it was associated with something horrible, I didn’t like my Father, it’s my Dads name
anyway not mine etc etc who then go on to get divorced and remarry then change their name again!!! It’s all a bit sad really. All that rubbish about ‘all having the same name’ goes right out the window. I know someone who changed their name upon remarrying and then had a different name to their child :-(

@SouthLondonMum22 @r0ck I don’t mind the children having his because a name is an identity to be known by during your lifetime. My gripe was that I was born with my name (incidentally, my father’s surname) and that’s how I remain- that’s me. They were born with a name and, well, we’ll see what they do. It’s up to them. I would have been happy for them to have had my surname but not so passionately that it was worth arguing over.

They will always be my children, regardless. I’ve never understood the want/ need for the children to share the same surname as the mother. I feel like I missed the memo on that!

This. If it’s important to share the same name as a family why don’t more men take their wife’s (I know some do, but it’s still a minority) or make up a new one that you both change to? Of course it’s sexist if the expectation is always that it’ll be the man’s name to “carry on his bloodline” or whatever. What if a woman is the last in her family and wants a bloodline in her name?

This is exactly how I felt. I wanted our family to share a surname and had no desire to double-barrel. I was happy to stick with tradition and take my husband's name.

I am no more or less a feminist than any of my friend's who kept their names or double-barrelled. I think tradition can co-exist with modernism and that there are far bigger hills to die on tbh.

I'm the opposite and don't really understand not wanting your child to have your name. They are my DC, they were always going to have my name.

The idea that the surname a woman is given at birth is simply a temporary one borrowed from her dad until another man comes along to rename her is inherently sexist.

And regardless of what reason women give for taking their husband’s name nowadays e.g, how it sounds or poor relationship with their father or whatever it largely comes down to the fact that men’s names are considered a constant and women’s are expected to change.

Otherwise, as others have said, it would be a hell of a coincidence that it’s almost always the women who are the half of a couple with the worst surname and bad dads.