To think women taking their husband’s name doesn’t have to be sexist?

[RealNavyEagle]

I know it’s a traditional thing and some people see it as outdated or patriarchal but I actually think there’s something quite nice about a whole family sharing the same name. It doesn’t feel like “losing my identity” to me, just part of building a shared one.

AIBU to think it’s not automatically a regressive choice and that it can just be a personal one?

We wanted to share our surname and DH would have been happy to take mine but he was equally happy that I chose his.

I'm a married Ms. Also a teacher (primary) and yet to meet another married Ms primary teacher!

I find this argument weird. Why is the womans name her dad's name but the man's name is his name? A woman will never ever have her own name? If a woman gives her name to the child, the child has their grandfathers name, not their mums?

I didn't really give it much thought at the time, I didn't feel very strongly about my name at all. However if I was to marry now, I wouldn't change my name and if I was to have my daughter now, I would give her both our names.

The 'choice' aspect doesn't and can't work when you take into account the history of name changing and who the onus falls on.

Edit: I was never Mrs - always Ms.

If it wasn’t sexist then couples would flip a coin or do rock paper scissors to decide.

People told me when I kept my name that it wasn’t my name it belonged to my father. Not sure how my husband and brothers got to own their own names without it also belonging to their fathers.

I also think that men kick up a stink about changing their names on marriage to either double barrel or to their wives name because in most cases they have literally never had to consider for one second that they would change anything about themselves on getting married. However every single woman has faced societal pressure to do so. So if you want to have the same name as your partner and kids then there is a whole bunch of reassessment or challenging of social norms that is involved with the man considering the change and sometimes it is just easier for the woman to compromise.

I'm always surprised when people say they're not attached to their names. It's your very identity, how can you not care ?! If it's a choice it's rigged. It may feel like your choice, but would it have been if you'd been raised in an egalitarian society ?

Personally I do care about my name and I'm not changing it. There was also no way my children wouldn't have mine. Most I was willing to compromise on would be double barrel - I don't love double barrelling but I appreciate that if the name matters to me, it may matter equally to the other person.

But luckily that compromise wasn't needed and my children all have solely my name.

That's why we double barrelled. We both would've preferred just our names but felt the compromise was only fair.

This.

She can call herself whatever she likes but that choice isn't made in a vacuum.

Of course it's sexist.

If you want to know if it's sexist or not, my cousin was despairing of the fact that his mum's surname died with her. It's mine and my three sister's surname, none of us have changed it but we don't count. How do you like them apples?

I agree, OP. I was also "given away" by my dad.

DH and my names together make an A list Hollywood film star. I didn't want people making that joke all my life.

It's how you live day to day that matters.

Stating the obvious as PP have said. If as a woman you keep your maiden name, that's your dad's name. So you either use your dad's name, your husband's name, or go through the legal faff of making up your own.

So you either use your dad's name, your husband's name, or go through the legal faff of making up your own.

So you assume that the husband's name is his own, even though presumably it came from his father. Why isn't a woman's name her own, even though it came from her father?

It's pretty much entirely sexist, but honestly it doesn't actually matter, do what you like and let others think what they like.

I changed my name due to growing up in an abusive household and wanting to escape the name tied to it. That’s a good reason.
otherwise I would have kept my name and dc would have my name, dh could have changed his name if he wanted to or kept his. My DDs want to change their names when they marry because they prefer their partners surnames and don’t have a great relationship with their dad (different dad yo dh)
The issue is around the women being expected to change her name and babies to take on the man’s name . Women are often challenged if they choose not to do this.

A couple should make the decision together but I strongly believe children should take their mothers name.

Not necessarily sexist. It depends on your reasons. I changed mine because I have an unusual surname and was fed up of spelling it out to people! I have considered changing it back but I'd be too easy to find!

It didn’t really occur to me not to take DH’s name when we married 15 years ago. I’d probably do it differently now. We were both already double-barrelled. I do use Ms.

Was it sexist to change my name to my husbands upon marriage? Well I suppose so but…

FiL took his first wife’s surname upon marriage, they got divorced, he changed the name and made a new one (think Parker-Bowles to Park) then when MiL and FiL got married she took the name Park. My husbands surname is Park.
I grew up with the surname of my Dad who I rarely saw. My mum kept her maiden name when she remarried. Stepdad kept his name. Their subsequent child was double barrelled.
I dislike growing up in a house where everyone had different names.

So I changed my surname to my husbands upon marriage.
Not sure which other name would’ve been sensible to change to, nor why I would pick a random one out of the hat when ‘Park’ works.
I like that we are ‘just’ the Park family.
FWIW I wouldn’t change my name now if we got divorced.

@OntheBorder1

What a load of crap. I am still using my DH's surname over 20 years after we separated - am I still under his ownership? I know a lot of strong women who have taken their DH's name, presumably because they wish to.

Yes of course: I still double barrel with my ex husband's surname and I've been separated from him for ten years (and I have never taken a penny from him). Women are free to do what they want and a lot of feminists do anti-feminist things. And that's all fine, we're not perfect and we labour under an unfair system.

But it is inescapable that the taking of the husband's name historically symbolised ownership. That doesn't mean it's literal truth today. But you can't just pretend this isn't historically true because it doesn't fit your own personal narrative.

Stating the even more obvious, this is a double standard and a failure of logic.

If the woman doesn't get her own name because a man probably had it before her, neither does either her father or her husband. Either everyone's name is their own, or nobody has a surname if they weren't the first to use it and that includes men as much as women.

The first is more sensible, but if you don't agree with it then it's option two.

Yep. The ole’ special women’s last names again! 🤣

I've recently been researching our family trees. The consistency of the man's name being taken has made it less difficult. It could equally have been the woman's name but variables would have made it harder. I'd never have got back to the mid fifteenth Century otherwise.

Perhaps it's easier to think in terms of adopting a family name rather than the man's name. The joining of two families, through the children.

It might be “easier” to think of it that way-but it’s wrong!

@CurlewKate some people find it wrong, that doesn't make it inherently wrong across the board. I think it should be a matter of individual choice.

In Denmark that is the case. Plenty make new surnames for their family. Double barrel or keeps their birth name

For me my very Danish birth name is slang for penis in English I wasnt keen to keep that. (However I had a lot of why dont you double barrell) dh has pretty standard Scottish surname nothing fancy we used that

I am one of 17 cousins on my mothers side
Breaking that down with youngest cousins in their 30s oldest in their 60s

Not married. 1 female who is divorced and kept her name in 1st marriage. 5 men some of those in long term relationship with no intention to marry

Kept name 2 women 0 male

Changed name 3 women 1 men
my sister and I both with the surname that means penis in English slang we both married British men meaning 1 in Denmark changed and she has kept her birth name as a middlename.

Made new surname 2 female 1 male

Double barreled 0 females 2 males

When I glance facebook on old school friends it is about 50/50 who still has only the surname they had at school most have double barreled their names. 1 guy has changed 5 times and I know is only on 2nd marriage never asked him why the changes.

Dd1 is getting married they briefly disgussed double barrel but as their surname both start with same letter they decided against it (Think Smith-Saunders) and drew straws on who was to change. Dd is changing. Her sister in law to be did not change on her marriage 2 years ago her 2 daughters have both mums and dads name.

I think it should be personal choice. I lived in the UK for 6 years as Ms Penis it was not fun I was happy to change it.
In Danish my birth surname means a chef.