To think women taking their husband’s name doesn’t have to be sexist?

[RealNavyEagle]

I know it’s a traditional thing and some people see it as outdated or patriarchal but I actually think there’s something quite nice about a whole family sharing the same name. It doesn’t feel like “losing my identity” to me, just part of building a shared one.

AIBU to think it’s not automatically a regressive choice and that it can just be a personal one?

I'm sure you will, but you won't get to control whether others use a title in addressing you. Nor are you likely to live forever.

Ms- trickier to pronounce, childish, petty, making a point.

What point is it making? And the absolute irony of someone accusing others of childishness ending their post “So there!”.

It would seem the cure for sexism is for women to neither marry, nor have relationships with men, nor have children, then there’s no arguments or difficulties over surnames, patriarchy, or who’s left holding the baby. Hurrah - end to sexism and the human race.

My husband says he loves being married to me - AIBU to expect him to change his name and title to reflect this? Otherwise I'm not sure he truly loves me/is "proud' of being married?!! 😆

😆

Well, like you say, its not generic and the divorce rates speak for themselves.

I think higher divorce rates have many, many other causes…society is far more about instant gratification nowadays, everything is faster paced, people are used to having everything at the click of a button on their mobile phones…it’s unsurprising really TBH.

I actually felt similar to you but I won't take my DP's name (we're engaged and we have 2 DC) because I recognise that the tradition / convention whatever IS fundamentally sexist and I don't want to be a part of it. You might not mind (which is fine) and you might not view it like that. Your DH might not view it like that either and there is no reason why you shouldn't take his name if you want to but to argue that it's not a sexist convention is silly.

I am extremely annoyed at how many people have been judgmental on here towards women who take their husband’s surname and /or use Mrs.

To be clear, in real life I call women whichever title/surname they choose. I know women who haven’t changed their name, who aren’t even married. So because I treat their decisions with respect, I expect my own to be. The judgment all goes one way on here though, and I have absolutely had enough of it.

We do not all have to agree on this, women will always happily change their names.

That's very patronising and misogynist if you're suggesting women are throwing away marriages because of instant gratification.

It is making a point- oh I couldn’t possibly take my husband’s surname, I’m far too independent and feminist to do that. Genuinely- nobody cares if you do or don’t.

I actually think both men and women give up and throw the towel in far, far more quickly and easily. People, men and women, have massively unrealistic expectations about happiness levels and what one person can provide another with, needs that used to be satisfied by extended families and friends, entire communities. Expecting just your spouse to fulfil all of your needs on a daily basis is a recipe for disaster. Modern marriages are too insular and therefore under unprecedented pressures.

Someone doth protest too much.

You have a very simplistic view of relationships. For example, you think that women aren't resentful about doing the majority of emotional labour and the majority of household tasks - they're just silly and expect marriage to be a roller coaster of joy.

Over 60% of divorce is instigated by women who are worse off financially after divorce and tend to be the primary care giver. Just because you enjoy taking on the majority of housework and childcare doesn't mean other women revel in it.

I care. It’s nothing to do with being independent and feminist. It’s my name and I’m keeping it. And I hate life admin so I certainly wasn’t going to stick my hand up for unnecessary changes to all my documentation. Life’s too short.

It's not fact either way. Some say its sexist some dont. Neither one of us is right. It's all down to opinion.

I know your obviously just making a sarky comment but of course he could if that's what you both wanted. It's not difficult for a couple to discuss these things before getting married.

Where did she say 'women' ?

Women instigate the majority of divorce.

Society 1- all women by law must get married, change their name and become a Mrs. If they don’t they will suffer severe consequences- evidently sexist.

Society 2 (UK right now)- women can marry/not marry/marry more than once. They can keep their own name/change their name/amalgamate their name with their husband’s/pick a new name together. Men can too. No adverse consequences for any option- far from sexist! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Erm, okay, without wanting to get into a moral debate about how some women don't want to be defined according to whether they have managed to marry a man or not, what is the correct title for unmarried, mature, adult women?

You said that. Your projecting your own views on what she said, something I suspect you do a lot in life hence your attitude towards this sort of thing, you perceive something that isnt there.

The vast majority of men don't change their names and name change comes from a very long history of misogynist oppression. Of course it's sexist.

If you're in the "proud to be a Mrs!!!" category, how the hell do you know whether there are any adverse consequences for people who make a different choice or not?

And you are free to keep your name and avoid life admin. You definitely don’t need to justify why you kept it to strangers- I want to keep my name is enough.

I reiterate, in real life I genuinely don’t think anybody other than the individual cares.

I was so delighted to change my name and receive my new cards with it on (literally took a couple of hours to sort the lot) and have all my colleagues and children I taught use it. Our whole school was nothing but supportive- my DH taught at the same school then, and children and parents constantly noticed my name change and rushed to congratulate us on our marriage. We even taught some siblings simultaneously who absolutely loved that they were being taught by Mr & Mrs the same name. It was nothing but a beautiful thing to celebrate 🥰

So much bitterness between men and women nowadays, which I don’t engage with.