To think women taking their husband’s name doesn’t have to be sexist?

[RealNavyEagle]

I know it’s a traditional thing and some people see it as outdated or patriarchal but I actually think there’s something quite nice about a whole family sharing the same name. It doesn’t feel like “losing my identity” to me, just part of building a shared one.

AIBU to think it’s not automatically a regressive choice and that it can just be a personal one?

You don’t have to, so why you care that others choose to is something you may want to consider

The answer to this should be very obvious. The naming and title choices we make are relevant to and may impact on other people, because that's the way that naming and title systems work.

Those of us who've experienced the particular form of sexism that comes with keeping one's own name and using the Ms title would not have done so if sufficient other women did the same, for example. The thing that's stopping me getting a totally neutral choice, like men have, is the actions of other women. Equally, those who want to change their names and have a title that reflects being married are reliant on enough of the rest of society playing along.

It's not exclusive to women's naming choices either, it's just how these things work.

In what way has your life been impacted by surname sexism? Is it really that bad?

I think she was talking hypothetically. Although of course if someone is made to do or not do something based solely on their sex then of course that's sexism.

I have been subjected to catty remarks, deliberate refusal to use my actual name and title and also some comments about my husband for 'allowing' it. Some of this has even come from relatives. It's hurtful when people you care about behave disrespectfully like this. And I'm luckier than some women in my position because nobody's refused to use my children's actual surnames, which is another variant.

The people who get to make the value judgement about how bad it is are those of us who experience it. It is significant enough for me to feel saddened about it when it happens, yes. I'd never presume to insult another person in this way.

Sorry but I’m never not going to use Mrs to suit other women who have an issue with it, that’s ridiculously self-centred 😂

Funnily enough, some women still have zero issue with being a wife, bring a Mrs, changing their name and not spending their time destroying their own marriage by bickering with their DH about absolute nonsense.

Mrs is a brilliant title. I don’t like Ms, it’s a weird one to pronounce. I don’t like Miss, I’d feel like a child at this point in my life. I actually like people knowing I am married, my husband and marriage are very important to me.

I also don’t like double-barrelled names. If 2 people with them get married and keep both that would be 4 different surnames, which becomes unmanageable. I don’t keep banging on about it though and judging others who do.

Instead of wasting energy about such petty matters, why not mobilise and get out and actually do something, eg march for women in Afghanistan, who actually do have something to complain about. We don’t know we’re born here in the UK.

Marching on British streets is going to make a huge difference to the lot of Afghan women. 🙄

Nobody suggested you should, or even came close to it. It's interesting that you interpreted someone citing facts about the influence your decisions have as an instruction to make different ones, though. Happens a lot on this topic! Dare I say it, rather self-centred.

Meanwhile, instead of wasting energy about such petty matters as sharing your opinion on double barrelled names that nobody's shown even the slightest interest in hearing, why not mobilise and get out and actually do something, eg march for women in Afghanistan? Afghan women have much more important things to actually dislike than the title Ms, and don't need to falsely invent instances of people telling them what they're allowed to do. We don't know we're born here in the UK.

Taking a man's surname is just the tip of the iceberg. We have a high rate of divorce in the UK, partly created by men who dump the burden of child rearing and housekeeping on their wives.

Many women are overwhelmed with work and managing the family and a lot worse off financially if they divorce. Women are expected to find work that allows flexibility around children, it's often poorly paid and their sacrifice means their husband's can build their careers.

😂

Indeed, but Afghan women are a useful stick to beat British women with when they've said something you don't like hearing. Naturally, women who are strawmanning about surnames and titles in an attempt to put women who kept their own names in their place are exempt from the requirement to help.

Having worked a lot in the VAWG sector, one never hears this sort of argument from women who are actually doing something substantive to help. Interesting really.

Catty remarks oh boo hoo. Everyone is subject to catty remarks in life, about absolutely anything and everything. You will always encounter horrible people you cant let it get to you like that.

It's interesting how keen you are to minimise this, something you've clearly never experienced and thus aren't qualified to have an informed opinion on the impact of. You've done a looooot of it in this thread, and one wonders why.

You know your making it a bigger issue than it needs to be. I've experienced plenty catty remarks in my lifetime btw.

If you can pronounce Mrs you can pronounce Ms.

You're the one that asked the question of me. As I said, it's interesting how keen you are to minimise something you clearly don't know much about. And you came to the thread with that perspective already- one wonders why. The subject evidently absorbs you.

I think where you're struggling here is that you feel your subjective take is the barometer here, hence your comment about need. Like you're the person to define that. But women who, put bluntly, know better than you on this issue aren't likely to take any real interest because why would we, really?

Why is Mrs a "brilliant title"?

Yes but are hypothetical useful in this situation?

In a hypothetical matriarchal society none of this discussion would be relevant.

It isn’t. I’d like a world without titles altogether.

So would I, but I am interested to know why @SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal thinks it is a brilliant title.

TBF I do think we're gradually moving away from title usage. I have more accounts now that don't ask me for a title than do, and companies often write Firstname Surname on post.

A lot of it is about greater informality, but I wonder also if it isn't an attempt to avoid the minefields. There aren't standard titles with easy rules to follow now. Or maybe it's just efficiency, one less thing to print and store!

People on here clearly have issues with women using ‘Mrs’ and changing their surname.

So what is the solution to that? No longer allowing them to? That’s never going to happen.

Mrs is here to stay!

I love being married, I love being a Mrs. It’s as simple as that, an absolutely none of your business!!!

You clearly have issues with comprehension.

That being said, not sure any title is here to stay really. There's a clear move away from using them. I wouldn't bet on them still being commonplace in a few decades.

Did you literally not read my post?

To be clear:

Miss- child
Ms- trickier to pronounce, childish, petty, making a point.
Mrs- Perfect for an adult, mature, married mother 👌🏻🥂🤗 my absolute perfect choice.

I couldn’t care less which you or anyone else chooses, and certainly have never been as downright rude as to grill a Ms or double-barrelled named person as to why they gave chosen those. But I absolutely will retaliate now- they are ridiculous and all about making a point. So there!

Well I absolutely will be putting Mrs and my husband’s surname on everything I use. Nobody has any right to tell me not to. I’ll believe that when I see it! 😂

Many women don’t see caring for their own children or homes as a burden actually. You seem to view women as one genetic group who thinks exactly the same on everything- very misogynistic, and newsflash- they don’t!