To think women taking their husband’s name doesn’t have to be sexist?

[RealNavyEagle]

I know it’s a traditional thing and some people see it as outdated or patriarchal but I actually think there’s something quite nice about a whole family sharing the same name. It doesn’t feel like “losing my identity” to me, just part of building a shared one.

AIBU to think it’s not automatically a regressive choice and that it can just be a personal one?

People seem to think it's traditional for the child to have the father's name whilst missing the point that that would usually historically be because it was also the mother's name. Loads of women being told the kids should have the father's name because "tradition" whilst he's happy to skip the marriage tradition. Makes zero sense to me.

So you are saying that everybody makes decisions completely in a vacuum. No societal or familial pressures or social influences? Just absolute personal preference.

Not sure marriage makes much difference there, mind. If a man in the UK rapes a woman he's in or previously had a sexual relationship with, unless he also does something stupid in addition like admit it or beat her up so badly even our system actually notices, it's hugely unlikely to result in any sanction. We do an appalling job at tackling this.

yes. thank you. expressed it SOOO much better than me. I find it totally weird.

Also get very annoyed at the picking and choosing of "tradition". Not the point of this thread, but eg the men who are very very happy for their wives to contribute financially, but who still are happy to have "traditional" roles at home.

Who knows actual the numbers but yes not everyone feels they should or shouldnt change their name based on what others may or may not think. Sometimes it can simply be the woman's own personal choice can you believe it!

The patriarchy is a wondrous thing; ever adaptable.

Nobody has come up with a single reason for women changing their names which is not inherently patriarchal.

I'd be Scarface from a lay-by on a country lane 😅

So odd that over 90% of women are making the same entirely free choice.

As I said before we dont know how it's made up. What percentage free thinking, what percentage dont care, what percentage practical reasons, what percentage other personal reasons and what percentage were forced or felt they had to for tradition.

If that's the case, you can't say sometimes it's a choice entirely free of any wider influence. If we don't know how it's made up, that means we can't be sure that any cases where women made their decision in a vacuum exist at all.

I am not trying to be difficult, I honestly don't understand why it would be a joke. It's unusual but men do occasionally take their wife's name.

He would see it as emasculating and a ridiculous suggestion; therefore amusing.

Well I know some women make their own choice free of any influence. I've spoken to some of those women. So yes I can say that some women make their own choice.

How did you go about assessing this? Presumably there's some methodology, since you've said you know.

And you don't see the sexism in this situation? As long as it is 'emasculating and ridiculous' for a man to take his wife's name, even when there are many practical reasons why it would work well, and perfectly normal and acceptable for a woman to take her husband's name, even when its not practical at all, how can we say it's a free choice? It's a loaded choice, it doesn't come from a place of equality.

What 😆 one of the women I'm referring to has been a very close friend for around 25 years, I know her, I know her life and how her mind works.

Of course I see the sexism. Enough relationships break down because of unfair division of labour due to 'gender roles', I wish the poster all the best as she navigates a marriage with someone who thinks taking her surname is hilarious.

Same!

I never got that argument. Makes zero sense.

Women make this choice deluding themselves they're free of influence. The very fact that it has to be a choice is, actually, a sign of the deep seated misogyny of it.

I actually find it odd how hard some women will work to convince themselves that they are completely uninfluenced by the patriachy. You don't have to agree with it, you don't have to adhere to it, you don't have make choices purely to go against it but you can't honestly believe that you are making choices on things like your name after marriage without that choice being impacted by it?

I find it amazing the lengths some women go to to try and convince themselves and other women that its not possible for a woman to make a free choice.

If I was a man reading this thread I'd be pissing myself laughing at all these husbands who supposedly "really didn't mind either way" but it just so happened their wives felt even less attached to their own surname. I don't know what world this is but it's certainly not the world I'm living in.

There's no way in hell my partner would take my (admittedly crap) surname and I'm certainly not taking his (for all the reasons outlined on this thread).

I find it amazing the lengths some women go to to try and convince themselves and other women that its not possible for a woman to make a free choice.

You think it's complete coincidence that you've chosen to adopt the default naming practice that exists in the UK? In Spain they have a totally different one, where the woman keeps her own name, so is it just coincidence that all the women there are choosing to do it that way? There's no such thing as a free choice, we're all shaped by the culture and social norms around us.

I was very happy to take my husband's surname. My maiden name was awful and I was very glad to get rid of it!

Edited to add: My SIL didn't change her name and nobody bothered. It is a matter of choice. Doesn't matter what future/husband thinks. If they are bothered then maybe people should be reconsidering!!!

Sorry disagree not least because more and more women here keep their own surname. We are sheep as a whole but not as individuals. Those individuals do exist. And it works both ways, going against the grain but also being happy with the grain.