To think women taking their husband’s name doesn’t have to be sexist?

[RealNavyEagle]

I know it’s a traditional thing and some people see it as outdated or patriarchal but I actually think there’s something quite nice about a whole family sharing the same name. It doesn’t feel like “losing my identity” to me, just part of building a shared one.

AIBU to think it’s not automatically a regressive choice and that it can just be a personal one?

I double barrelled simply because I preferred the sound of it with my first name. Women who keep their maiden names are still keeping the surname from the male line though so what difference does it really make...

OP I agree that I wouldn't want multiple surnames in one household.

Well I haven't made any comments re children but I along with many others dont view a woman choosing to change her name on marriage as sexist. As long as it's her choice to do so.

You use your own preferences, reasons and common sense.

Woman could use her mother's name, man his Dad's...or the other way round, make a decision based on other factors (who else in the respective families has the surname etc), make a sentimental choice of some kind, toss a coin...

Why would anyone want to impose, make up or abide by any rules or expectations?

My Dc with a hyphenated name is very likely to marry their current Dp who has a hyphenated name...I have a feeling I can guess what they might do based on a few factors but I will not be commenting one way or the other and will support their free choice.

Interesting! I wasn't asking to be facetious (or as a gotcha as one previous poster assumed 😅) it's genuine curiosity as it's not something I've come across in 'real life'. Your examples make sense.

It doesn’t feel like “losing my identity” to me, just part of building a shared one

Yeah, that would only hold true if both people were getting a new name i.e. building a shared one. It’s in no way building a shared one, when it already exists and you are just jumping on to the person who already owns it!

We also solved the problem of the kids surnames by doing just that, we built a new one for them. Unsurprisingly, they were never confused that I was their mum, or that DH was their dad. No one else seemed confused either.

This kind of reasoning perpetuates the patriarchy. The patriarchy IS disadvantaging women. You can't just wibble on about how it's not sexism because it suits you, when it blatantly is sexism anyway. There are so many negative connotations to men taking their wives name and to "difficult" women who don't conform.

Just because you make an anti-feminist choice it isn't your fault, you don't have to excuse it. Half the problem with living in a patriarchy is that women blame other women, or themselves. Blame men instead.

IF MEN WANTED THINGS TO BE DIFFERENT, THERE WOULD HAVE BEEN CHANGE BY NOW

Our societical structures are deeply entrenched. Its often just easier to go along with the status quo. Those in power put in place structures that benefit them and that support their continued supremacy.

It's like the women "empowered" to take their clothes off for money or do other sex work "because they want to". Yes it's their choice but it's still a damaging norm that a woman's body is a commodity and certain men view women firstly as sex objects. This attitude can lead to sexual violence against women and girls, but it's not the stripper's fault.

Or the women taking a backseat on their careers "because they want to". I'm sure they do want to but it's still the women who mainly give up on careers and its still more men in senior positions. This leads to women being economically disadvantaged as a sex, and makes it harder for women to get into more senior roles. It's still not the fault of the woman making her career choice.

Just call a spade a spade, and a patriarchy a patriarchy. Taking your husbands name is inherently androcentric and its nonsense to pretend otherwise because of your own personal circumstances.

Yes it is.

You initially said there's no expectation, then later agreed that there is. When I confirmed this with you, you then said that people have a choice. This is a different point. The words you used there have a different meaning to words about expectations existing.

I haven't seen anyone in the thread dispute that most women these days probably know they have a choice, with perhaps a few exceptions. People are aware of this. It's not a point that's in dispute, yet it seems to be defaulted back to awfully often.

Of course some people still expect it but so what. Dont marry a man if your values dont align. Dont get married at all if your worried about being part of something highly linked with a history of sexism.

So. No explanation then.

None of this has anything to do with what I wrote, which was also to explain why your previous post was also making a quite different point.

If you want to post about the circumstances in which you recommend someone get married, you can do that without tagging it on to a post of mine about something else. I'm not married to any of the people whose values don't align with me on this point.

Maybe we should go back to the late medieval form, where people could be called after the place they were born - like Eleanor of Aquitaine - which would completely remove the surnames coming from the father or husband.

I could be SDTG of Shipston. I rather like that option.

Explanation in what way? Google it if you want- is a woman wishing to take her husband's surname sexist. Big long explanation will come up for you, for both sides of the argument. Its opinions and views not facts.

Sorry I've been replying to that many people I've obviously got muddled with you.

Some people take the name because they loathe their family one or have been bullied for it in the past. A friend of mine didn't intend on changing her name but as it turns out her husband has an outstanding last name that suits her first name very well. Now, she could have just changed her name anyhow to whatever she wanted, but she didn't realise what a cool last name her current one is until she met her husband. Nothing sexist about it - she just strongly prefersher new name.

What I meant is by the time it gets to the birth certificate registration, the name IS the man's, even when the parents aren't married. I find it odd.

Not to worry

This is exactly why I changed my name when I got married, @Caligirl80 - my surname was used as the basis of a horrible name that was used to bully me for years, leading to me being suicidal by the time I was 14. I loved my dad, and would have happily kept his name, if it hadn’t been used so cruelly against me.

I find it odd that you think "taking a man' name is sexist" is one of those - your opinion vs my opinion type things.

It's really not.

I mean, sure, it's your opinion vs my opinion on whether or not it's OKAY to change your name, or what it means. But I don't understand how this can be seen as a "either/ or" type situation - women taking men's names is intrinsicaly and historically about male dominance and men being prioritised in our society. If you make the choice to do it anyway, that's totally fine. Go ahead. But please don't pretend it's perpetuating the prominence and importance of men, and their family names.

The sexist thing about it is that it happens to be women who are changing their names because they loathe their family or have been bullied for it in the past and are waiting until marriage to do it because it is expected that their names will change at that point.

YANBU Personally I think I have a better name than DP - mine is common and obvious to spell, his is Russian, long, difficult to pronounce and as we live in the UK always has to be spelled out!

I’ve considered keeping mine. We’ve joked about DP taking it too as it’s sounds ridiculous when paired with his very Eastern European first name. When the time comes though I’ll take his surname and love it as my own, not because I’m stuck in the 1950’s or have to but because I actually want to. Not everyone who takes their DH’s name is repressed!

I don’t think it is, is it? I’m married. My children had my last name until they were registered with their own hyphenated name. Has that changed?

And the no-marital rape laws are a direct descendant of Coverture. And it is still very difficult to prosecute marital rape.

I mean that I am surprised by how many women, who are not married, STILL register their children with the surname of the father. If DH and I had children before we were married, those children would have had my name. The default, is for the child to have the mother's name - as you say - so I am constantly surprised by the number of women who happily let their children be named for the father, when they aren't married.

It may well be that in the same way I've chosen to give my children DH's name, they see this as normal. But I'd argue that traditionally, the child of a woman who wasn't married would have kept her name, and not got the name of the father.

I see it a lot.

But why do you want to take his name? Based on what you have said, it doesn't make any sense. You joked about him taking your name, that sounds like a very practical solution to a difficult name, why joke about it, why not do it. If the genders were reversed, and he had the easy name, would you still take it?

It's pretty obvious why he saw it as a joke.