To think women taking their husband’s name doesn’t have to be sexist?

[RealNavyEagle]

I know it’s a traditional thing and some people see it as outdated or patriarchal but I actually think there’s something quite nice about a whole family sharing the same name. It doesn’t feel like “losing my identity” to me, just part of building a shared one.

AIBU to think it’s not automatically a regressive choice and that it can just be a personal one?

If you don't care either way, surely the default should be keeping your name, which involves zero admin? Changing your name is objectively an administrative hassle, and yet 9 out of 10 women do it. Why?

I suspect with each year more and more women who dont care will just keep their own surname.

Yes I'm sure you do know her. That doesn't tell us how you've managed to work out whether she's correct about what has and hasn't influenced her. It's actually a pretty radical proposition to say you know someone hasn't been subjected to any wider societal influence at all on a particular point, especially as people often won't know this themselves, so it's a claim that requires actual evidence.

You cant be real. This is reminding me of the young men who spend too much time looking at negative influences online with no guidance and their minds get warped.

One of the things about the way society influences our decision is that we don’t realize it’s happening…

Sorry, but big yawn on that one. It is literally just a name. I have had family members change their name by deed poll so that nobody ended up with the “family name,” double-barrel their names, take the dh name, take the dw name. If you want to attach emotional importance to it, that is entirely your problem. Don’t make it everyone else’s. If you think it is essential as part of your identity, that is on you - you are the one bowing to that convention, so don’t pretend it's on everyone else. If you kept every surname that had been part of your family forever, we’d all have scores of surnames.

This thread is depressing. It reminds me of "The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist"

Loads of presumably women refusing to consider the sexist nature of men's names being the default choice for married couples in the UK. Just because you choose to do it freely doesn't mean its not the patriarchy at work. I'm not even criticising the choice. There's no need to be defensive.

That's a lot of words to tell us you just took her word for it/made a vague guess because it suits your quasi religious belief about free choice.

Really, friend or not, you can't possibly say whether someone made a decision totally in a vacuum. The odds of you even being able to do that for yourself are remote.

I'm not engaging with you anymore. Your too well I cant say it can I. Just try and get out a bit more.

In that case, it's only fair to tell you that I'm going to carry on regardless pointing out that you have no idea whether women make the choice in a vacuum, and that you keep claiming it's true because you want it to be.

Out of interest-how many heterosexual couples do you know either in RL or otherwise where either the man has taken the woman’s name or they have chosen to hyphenate?

@CurlewKate My husband hyphenated (added on my family name) and I added on his. We are a heterosexual couple. I don't know why it isn't more commonplace - we dont know of anyone else that has done the same.

My male cousin married and at first they both used both surnames, hyphenated.

2 years on she still does, he doesn’t.

Plus ça change

@BangersAndGnash If I was her I'd revert back to just using my family name again 😀

Quite a lot, because I work in a school, so have experience of all sorts of variations in children’s surname choices and parents’ surname choices. Also, within my own family, as already explained, we all made different choices.

Btw, in my experience in a primary school, the majority are unmarried and have kept their own names. The sexism comes in the choice of using the father’s surname for the children, which happens relatively often - frankly annoying when the mother ends up with the children mainly living with her on separation and has had more than one relationship involving children, so you have to remember that children with an assortment of different surnames are all the children of a mother whose surname does not match that of any of her children. And then you have the parents who argue over what their children’s surname actually is, with mother trying to register them in school under her surname and father objecting and insisting it be recorded as per the birth certificate. Quite honestly, I find the whole thing pathetically childish, hence my boredom with the ridiculous arguments, which are incredibly toxic, harmful, and unhelpful. I think people should just grow up about it, rather than arguing about what is and isn’t sexist, because so far as I can see, it harms the children far more than the parents to make a song and dance about it one way or the other.

actually my husband did. mine also comes first. i was more then happy to just take his but he pointed out that with it being a none british name he wanted to keep it included for our future children so they remember part of their heritage. personally i was never that attached to my last name. it’s just a name and not part of me as a person or personality if i was called a different last name i would still be the same person.

I agree with you OP. I love having the same name as my DH and our children. I love being married, being a wife, being a Mrs, us all having the same name. Never in question for me, and completely irrelevant what anyone else thinks. If you want to do that then go for it, nobody else’s business 😊

I agree with you OP. I love having the same name as my DH and our children. I love being married, being a wife, being a Mrs, us all having the same name. Never in question for me, and completely irrelevant what anyone else thinks. If you want to do that then go for it, nobody else’s business 😊

I can see all that-and who it would be important for some people. But why does it have to be your husband’s name? I

@SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal Do you think your husband enjoys being a husband less then? I mean because he didn't change his name or title upon marriage. In fact - shock horror - nobody would know he was married?

So would I!

Yes, I want to attach emotional importance to my name. This is not a problem - mine or anyone else's. Just as it's apparently not a problem when men do likewise, and it would no more occur to them to change their names on marriage than it would to me to change mine.

If you think it is essential as part of your identity, that is on you - you are the one bowing to that convention.

What a strange statement. Deciding upon naming conventions and their social designation is a power well beyond my remit. A name is an identifier. It's an identity - sometimes requiring formal proof that you are who you say you are. I don't make the rules. It's rather gratifying that you're attaching such importance to my personal view and individual social preferences, but I'm afraid you're giving me a gravitas I don't deserve.

The idea that we'll carry the same name throughout life is neither a big deal, a seditious act of rebellion or in any way a deviation from the standard expectation taken for granted by men. It's not a great deal to ask.

Your statements are strange, imvho. To keep your name is not something you need to ask for - it’s a change of name you have to ask for, not a not-change of name. It’s the easiest thing in the world to keep your name and what the majority of women actually do these days, given that most don’t marry. Your emotions about it are most definitely your issue to have or not to have and clearly you do have a problem with name changing, given that you say you attach emotional importance to your surname. It is frankly weird to act as though all women are pressured into changing their surnames when that is factually incorrect - the majority neither marry, nor change their surname.

Pretty sure your stats are wrong. Around half of British women are married- and I think around 80% of them change their name….