To think women taking their husband’s name doesn’t have to be sexist?

[RealNavyEagle]

I know it’s a traditional thing and some people see it as outdated or patriarchal but I actually think there’s something quite nice about a whole family sharing the same name. It doesn’t feel like “losing my identity” to me, just part of building a shared one.

AIBU to think it’s not automatically a regressive choice and that it can just be a personal one?

I didn't change my name. Didn't even have a conversation about it as it was never going to happen. DH happy to called Mr MyName on occasion.

However, both DH's parents and even my parents usually address cards to Mr & Mrs HisName or if they have to write my name, they write it as NoNews DHLast Name - crazy as been married for ages and it means my family have to remember DH's name and how to spell it....something overrides the fact that I have never changed my name - socialisation, as they are all in their 70s/80s? Or sexism from that era? Hard to say which but I think my generation is much more a mix of non-changed names and double barrels, etc. so much more likely to check than presume.

DH happy to called Mr MyName on occasion.

Same here.

Tradesman “Is that Mr Toes?” Husband (wearily) “Yes”.

Of course it's out of tradition though, and sexist tradition at that. Take the history out of the equation and would it honestly be something so many women would spontaneously decide to do. Same as dad's walking daughters down the aisle and not mums walking grooms or only best men, FOB and the groom making speeches at weddings etc and the women sitting mutely pretty.
Women now are deciding what they want to do with that tradition but its obviously a huge part of the reason it's even a consideration. I do personally find it disappointing that so many women still want to do something so rooted in sexism, but as feminism dictates I respect their right to choose.

Ok so you make your decision to keep your name and because thats unusual people ask you about it. You still made the right decision for you. I dont know how old you are but I think it is changing with generations. Young women today definitely seem to be quite strong minded and independent.

I know I made the right decision for me, we're talking about expectations. You said its not expected any more. That's not true. The expectation continues to exist.

Millennial here, not sure if that qualifies me as young or not!

I dont know ask the posters who used this as the reason why marriage isnt sexist. Apparently marriage isnt sexist because it benefits women financially. That was the argument put to me.

Of course it still exists in some people. It's not eradicated yet.

That really shows how engrained it is for men too Gosh isn't that so bizarre. I'm sure in Spain they use the women's name, and there must be other Matriarchal societies too, maybe in Africa. Just shows how brainwashed we all are in little things and big things

Millennial here too. I would say that all of my friends who got married in their 20s changed their names and most of those who got married in their 30s didn't.

I do think it's one of those things where the longer you have to think about it the less likely you are to do it.

When we agreed we would give our children his name, we also agreed the pets would always be MY name. So yes, hotels, restaurants etc - Mr Queen - but that's only occasional. But I do LOVE the vet one - he is routinely called Mr Queen when bringing in a sick animal or paying a bill. He thinks it's funny too and likes to point it out to the DC so they can see that it's something I experience all the time!

The 'Mrs' title (which I've never used) is another sticking point. In this day and age it becomes particularly apparent when you book a hotel or travel, or make a larger purchase like a house, car or sofa.

At least here in the US, I don't have to deal with this aspect. For one thing, generally "Ms" is the default for adult women, no matter her marital status. And for another, titles are used much less than in the UK. There is no title on my bank account, car purchase, house deeds, etc. It's just my name.

I do wonder what the actual statistics are, on the gender pay gap, @everychildmatters - I do believe that it is changing, and more women are earning the same as/out earning their partners, but I also believe that this is not the majority of women.

I suspect that it is still far more common for the woman to give up working or to go part time, in order to look after children, which does have a knock-on effect on their future career potential and earnings, and contributes to the continuing gender pay inequality. And we are also still fighting against the tide of history - because women generally have been the ones who were the SAHPs, employers still feel it's OK to pay them less or to pick a man over them for promotion, because he's not going to get pregnant and need Mat Leave. Sadly, I also think it's true that a lot of the jobs that women end up doing - caring, nursing, cleaning etc - tend to be less well paid, so when a couple is looking to see who will stop working/cut their hours to look after the children, the lower earner, who is the logical choice, is the woman.

I think what I'm saying is that, as a rule, women tend to earn less than their partner/husband, so it isn't gender stereotyping to state this - but it a sad and unacceptable fact, and absolutely IS something society should be moving away from, much faster than it is now.

Men need to be equally willing to stop work or cut their hours, to look after their children, and employers need to pay people the same wage for the same or similar jobs - that might start to move things in the right direction.

Actually, one thing I've noticed that I find a bit odd. Back int he day, the baby's name was always the mother's name. My children both had to have their name "changed" in hospital records as they were born DC Queen. Similarly, my great aunt, who was born "out of wedlock" had her mother's surname and when her parents DID subsequently marry a year or two later, her name was then legally changed to her father's surname.

Meanwhile, the vast bulk of single parents I know today all seem to give the baby the man's name. I do find that odd. If I was not married to DH when we'd had children, I'm 90% certain I would have insisted on giving them my name. Just as I made it clear that if we'd bought a house prior to getting married, the mortgage and the deeds would been in my name as I was the one who paid the deposit and most of the mortgage as the higher earner. Once we were married, that consideration fell away.

I've also always been aware that having different names for me and my children has probably been easier as a married person than it would be if DH and I ever divorce.

It's worth noting that this post doesn't address the point it was replying to in the post quoted above.

It takes up an entirely different point which the previous poster never made in the first place.

Interesting you should say that.

I clearly remember a conversation I had with my Granny as a little girl, about the eventuality that I might marry a man by the name of 'Higgingsbottom'.

I was absolutely adamant that I would not. My Granny asked me: 'but what if you really loved him?'

Me: 'I wouldn't marry him. No WAY!'

Strange that as a child, it never even occurred to me that marrying the delightful Mr Higgingsbottom and remaining Ms Goose was not an option even on the table. Or, for that matter, the option that I might choose not to marry at all, or as an adult might just as easily have married a woman! But that's a whole different topic 😀

@Eagle2025 doesn't believe or understand the difference between not being forced by law to do something vs going along with something because it's the done thing. she also doesn't seem to have any understanding whatsoever that just because a choice exists, that doesn't mean the option that is selected isn't intrinsically sexist. She thinks that the fact that there is no legal obligation removes the intrinsic sexism of a woman taking a man's name.

I have met many women like this. None of us want to be part of perpetuating sexism. so sometimes it's easier to present our choices as purely that - choices. And pretend that the underlying assumptions, stereotypes, social conditioning don't exist because there is a "choice".

I think we are all susceptible to patriarchal conditioning to some extent. It's inescapable. It can be avoided to some extent: I didn't indulge in many of the trappings of a 'traditional' wedding, I use my family name, DC has both names, I'm as financially independent as DH and housework and childcare is split pretty much evenly, with one taking on the greater burden when the other is facing a pinch point at work, or is unwell. The only trappings we did go in for was rings and an ivory dress (I wanted purple; it didn't work out as planned)!

I try to avoid conventional constraints as much as possible, and the word 'tradition' makes me shudder. One of the most important aspects to me - and DH agrees - is not to bring our son up to conform to the expectations of toxic masculinity. We try to lead by example - he does not see two parents disrespecting each other or one bearing the full burden of life labour. I do shave. Not just for the beach, all year round, because I like the feel of smoother skin but this is also a beauty standard set for us by the patriarchy. We are conforming to these stereotypes every time we begin a diet or put on a lick of mascara. I might go to a restaurant, the opera or a rock gig in jeans, but not to the races or a wedding where convention frowns on this.

There is no point claiming we're not all malleable when it comes to these things - even if we recognise them for what they are and to some extent rail against them. They're very powerful, and gender stereotypes, whilst existing beyond and outside us, are pretty much inescapable. But I do enjoy this forum - and any other context where these issues are unpicked and recognised for what they are.

The name on a baby’s hospital wristband is still the mother’s name, regardless of whether that’s the same as the father’s or not. It’s up to the mother whether she uses her name on the birth certificate, or, with the father’s consent, uses his. I don’t think this has changed has it?

Ok good, glad that's agreed. We all make our decisions in a climate where there still exists some expectation of name changing on marriage.

Ok but whether you proceed to do something you dont want to do purely based on some other people thinking you should do it, is up to the individual.

Well this all comes back to whether you believe its sexist or not. I dont. You do.

I'm sorry I'm replying to quite a few different people. I'm trying to reply to everything but dont have the time to go back and recheck everything.

Which is a different point again, even if we assume it always to be true.

No it's not a different point

Have I missed you explaining why the practice of of women taking men’s names on marriage and children taking their father’s name is not patriarchal? I apologise if I have-it’s a fast moving thread…