To think women taking their husband’s name doesn’t have to be sexist?

[RealNavyEagle]

I know it’s a traditional thing and some people see it as outdated or patriarchal but I actually think there’s something quite nice about a whole family sharing the same name. It doesn’t feel like “losing my identity” to me, just part of building a shared one.

AIBU to think it’s not automatically a regressive choice and that it can just be a personal one?

I think you are dreadfully naive if you think that.

Assuming your surname is your Father's name, then if you keep your maiden name, you are just keeping a name you have because of the patriarchy.

Either way, your name reflects a patriachal tradition.

Ok so as a woman if someone told you no you have to take your husband's surname even if you dont want- would you ignore your own wishes and just blindly do what someone else told you?

The tradition is rooted in sexism.

It’s silly to pretend otherwise. (If it were not we would see equal numbers of men and women changing their name.)

But people are free to follow traditions rooted in sexism if they wish. This one harms nobody.

That's interesting, so you're saying that women are going to great lengths to continue a deeply misogynist tradition. Upthread the figure was over 80% of women choose to take a man's name.

Women always breezily claim they weren’t ‘attached’ to their surname… or ‘his surname was just much better’. Men never do this (well very rarely!). You can do what you want but just be honest about the reality of the root of this tradition - it’s all about ownership.

I’ll never take my DH surname. Never ever ever. I asked him if he’d double barrel with me and he said if it made me happy he would - I thought long and hard and realised it wouldn’t make me happy. What made me happy was us both keeping our names.

I actually know many men who get all pissy about it. My DH included was very disappointed.

So does your husband.

So did you take his name?

There are absolutely people who expect women to do just that. It's a fact. There are examples of women who've experienced this on this very thread. Sometimes it's the response to finding out you haven't, sometimes it's having your details changed without your request or permission, sometimes it's people incorrectly telling you that it's your legal name.

I can't say whether these people expect women to do it without thinking, not least because some of them don't appear to have applied any thought themselves. But there are absolutely expectations that women will automatically change their names on marriage and those of us who've experienced this are the best qualified to comment on the issue.

If you just mean you don't expect it, that's laudable but unfortunately not everyone follows your good example.

@Eagle2025 Have you not read this thread? Or even just the last few pages?

That's exactly my point. I did not take my DH's name. And I have been subjected to a million people wanting to know WHY. Tellingme I'm wrong. Making jokes about it. To me AND to DH.

It wasn't as simple as "making a choice". I've had to defend that choice over and over again in a way that other choices - the decision to order fish and not chicken for example - I simply don't. I haven't changed my mind, but it is what it is.

Similarly, if you think that women who choose to take their husband's names are ALWAYS doing it with lots of thought and consideration, you really are clueless. Some just assume it and do it because it's "tradition". Some do it becuase it's too hard to fight it. Some convince themselves they have really great reasons ("my name is awful" or "my name is my dad's name") or whatever. But the reality is that it's NOT a choice made in a vacuum and it's based on years and years of social conditioning and expectations.

That doesn' tmean they shouldn't do it - every one must decide for themselves. But please, don't try to convince me that there's zero sexism or misogyny in that choice or that they're not perpetuating that in that choice. Just like, as I've said over and over again, I accept that I am perpetuating a sexist system by giving my children DH's name (by the way - DH suggested an alternative. I said no. One of the reasons being that I was already exhausted from explaining MY name. I couldn't face the fight of having to explain the DCs' names too).

But many women are happy to do so. We dont know how many of the 80% went ahead and did something they didnt want to for the sake of financial protection.

For example the whole “sharing a name” thing. I can imagine it’s nice but isn’t it odd that it is overwhelmingly the man’s name they need to share.

I know ONE man where the family uses the mother’s name.

And most people who are aware are very derogatory towards him and her over that fact. (Behind their backs.)

An argument DH and I had, was when I overheard him on a call. Some wanker man he was sort of friendly with, gave him a hard time about me not taking his name. DH responded with something like, "Oh year, Mage is the big hardcore feminist, Better be careful what I say and do around her."

It was totally out of character. I challenged him. He totally admitted that in the moment, he just didn't know how to respond to this man. It was so uncomfortable for him so he defaulted to toxic masculinity.

It turned out to be one of the final nails in the coffin of htat friendship though. So that's a win.

There's no link between the financial protection and name changing though? People can change their name to their partners any time they want without having to marry, and the legal implications of marriage will affect a couple regardless of what they call themselves.

But as grown women surely we can decide for ourselves what we want. I

If you had a female friend or relative getting married and she wanted to keep her name, what would your advice to her be? You must take your husbands name! I dont think so.

@Eagle2025 That's because many women do so "blindly". And it has absolutely nothing to do with financial protection - how do you believe it has?!

Changing your name doesn't give you financial protection. Are you under the impression that changing your name is part of marriage? It's not, it's a choice. I'm arguing that women do it because it's a social norm.

That it's so ingrained, that now when it is a choice women still do it? You said it's better now that it's a choice, rather than forced.

I used the term financial protection as that was how nodern marriage was described.

Indeed not. But do you understand that lots of people think differently to you and I on this point, that a woman who doesn't change her name may encounter people and institutions who actually do expect her to?

Because if you believe all the women who are telling you about our experiences, then that means actually there are expectations. If you dont believe us, I have to ask why not?

I changed my surname to my husbands name 13 years ago. It was just the done thing. I didn't even question it. It seems bonkers to me now. I did go though a year of some sort of grieving for my maiden name where it too a while to let it go. I wish I had at least given my children my maiden name as a middle name. Socially conditioned within a patriarchy sounds about right.

No. I do understand why sone feel the pressure, especially when you're getting married and then you don't want to dissapoint. That's actually why I think women should wait a few years before doing it I also think lots of women love being Mrs X and have always dreamed of that (afterall didn't we all practice writing our name with our crushes surname?) and there's nothing wrong with that either if that's what they want.

@Eagle2025 Financial protection for whom? I'm getting ready for the gender stereotyping... and yes, I'm wealthier than my husband with a higher earning potential 😀

I wasn't abused but I hated my father. I changed my name by deed poll to my mother's surname.