To think women taking their husband’s name doesn’t have to be sexist?

[RealNavyEagle]

I know it’s a traditional thing and some people see it as outdated or patriarchal but I actually think there’s something quite nice about a whole family sharing the same name. It doesn’t feel like “losing my identity” to me, just part of building a shared one.

AIBU to think it’s not automatically a regressive choice and that it can just be a personal one?

For me it will cease to be a feminist issue when no one assumes that she will change and he won’t. When men consider without surprise that they might change, when his family don’t object , when a woman doesn’t get all her birthday cards addressed to his name even though she hasn’t changed.

When it is accepted that a woman’s name is HER name however she acquired it, and not a label slapped on to be changed whenever she gets married or divorced.

When as many men change as women, when men change the names that are hard to spell or embarrassing, just like women do.

Funny how blokes never seem to have this.

Where did the tradition come from, do you think?

Do you think it's a coincidence that it is almost always women who change their names upon marriage due to being bullied for their surname, not liking their surname and the such like?

Doesn’t have to be 50:50. But when it’s normal to ask whose name someone’s going to use and genuinely not be sure but it normally be a surprise if the man takes their woman’s. When it’s not routine even when women keep their own names to give the children their father’s name.

What about her brother? Why doesn’t he take his wife’s name to avoid the hard to spell/pronounce/ live with last name?

You don't seem to understand what sexism means. A woman getting what she wants doesn't mean that the choice isn't sexist.

🤦🏼‍♀️

Well the longer women have choice, the longer we stop the negative connotations associated with taking a man's surname then eventually it will cease to be viewed as something negative or sexist. Maybe marriage wont even be a thing before too long! That will be considered old fashioned too.

You would need to ask him

The tradition is sexist though.

Whatever the reason is for modern women choosing to take their husband’s surname, the precedent has been set through centuries of sexism that women change their names on marriage and men don’t. Otherwise surely the male relatives of all these women who have been bullied for their surnames would also be changing them. But I doubt they are.

I feel like this is a really nuanced issue... I wonder if it's fairer to say that instead of it being sexist to take her husbands name, it's that her choice she made exists within a sexist context. So it may not be made by her for sexist reasons (e.g. as others have commented on here, there are neutral or even positive feelings about it) but that the historical contexts mean that in doing so it contributes towards traditions and norms that disadvantage women? I feel like blaming women for this choice feels less fair, than acknowledging that we're making decisions in sexist constructs and respecting a women's right to choose (which I think if nothing else everyone agrees on!)

Oh come on, we all know why throughout history men were dominant. But hey be happy we have choice now! Dont marry a man if his values dont align with yours. Or dont get married full stop if you dont agree with it.

Of course it’s sexist- along with women having more than one title. It’s cultural, historic and sexist- along with fathers giving brides away and grooms asking fathers for permission to marry their daughter. Take part in these traditions if you wish but don’t pretend they’re not rooted in misogyny and patriarchy.

Probably because we know we can change our surname whereas men havent given it so much thought. If a man has an awful surname there is nothing to stop his fiancee saying hey let's use my name instead.

It still comes down to sexism though because even if women are claiming that they took their husbands name because they were bullied, it is hard to pronounce, they had a poor relationship with their father etc men will experience all of that too but are unlikely to change their names.

It still comes down to the fact that more women take their husbands name due to tradition which is based on sexism.

Well, exactly.

Hence the fact it is sexist.

Well dont you take part in it then!

My maiden was another man’s name; my dad’s. And honestly he’s a twat so why would I want to keep his name?

and no one could spell it and that just got really annoying

Sexism is bad. If both people in the relationship are happy with their decisions I don't view it as sexism. Just choice.

I agree. I suppose where I diverge from you is that I wouldn't say her individual choice is sexist (if I have understood correctly what you are saying). She is making choices in a context that is full of traditions which (can be) sexist. And I do agree this particular one is a sexist tradition.

It will also be sexist as long as we have these comments too.

Women aren't even seen to have their own names.

Men also get their names from their dads yet amazingly it's also their name.

My kids have my surname.
The only feminist choice is to keep your surname (or for you and your spouse to both change your surnames to a name you choose together, double barrelled or merged names or whatever) and give your surname to your kids.
Of course women can do what they want but let's not pretend that conforming to patriarchal norms is a feminist choice, it's not and never will be.
We can be feminist without making feminist choices all the time, we live in a patriarchal society and have to pick our battles.

But it’s still not a free and equal choice, in that the expectation is still for women to take their husband’s name, or for women to decide to keep their name (but almost certainly her children will have his name).

Men are not making these decisions. Men just keep their name. Men are never the only person in the family with a different name to everyone else.

Yes that was when women didnt have a choice. They had to take their partner's surname, they had to get married, they had to provide children, they had to have sex whenever their partner wanted, they couldn't work, they didnt have freedom and the list goes on.

None of that applies anymore.

I agree with re. to your last point. I consider myself a feminist but I'm 100% certain not every single choice I've made would be considered feminist and I can live with that as long as I keep trying!