To think women taking their husband’s name doesn’t have to be sexist?

[RealNavyEagle]

I know it’s a traditional thing and some people see it as outdated or patriarchal but I actually think there’s something quite nice about a whole family sharing the same name. It doesn’t feel like “losing my identity” to me, just part of building a shared one.

AIBU to think it’s not automatically a regressive choice and that it can just be a personal one?

I'm curious, at what point would it become just a choice, rather than a sexist choice in your view?

When it isn't largely only women making the choice.

Brilliant. If only the suffragettes had thought of that.

Ok women having choice. I'll take that kind sexism.

What?

😂 calm down.

I took my husbands name because I grew up in a neglectful, abusive home with parents who couldnt care less about me or my well being. My husband and his ugly name were the best thing to ever happen to me.

I'm curious, at what point would it become just a choice, rather than a sexist choice in your view?

I think there's a Caitlin Moran quote that goes something along the lines of "if you're not sure if something is sexist, ask yourself if the men are doing it. If the answer is no then it probably is"

Of course this is a massive oversimplification (and obviously shouldn't include biological things like giving birth) but it's broadly true. If even Mr Dick and Mr Fartly won't change their names on marriage then it might be worth asking why it's the default "choice" for women.

I don’t think it is the default choice any more. Having said that I’m mildly surprised that both the millennials in our family have done it.

It's up to the individual couples to decide what they want to do. If a woman doesnt want to change her surname and a man doesnt want to either then they can both just keep their own surnames. If one wishes to change then they can go with that.

No one is saying otherwise.

Follow up Question (I'm finding this quite thought provoking so this is from a place of curiosity!)

Is it making "the choice" (e.g. it would have to be 50/50 between men and women taking the other's name to be considered not sexist if you took your husbands name) or is it HAVING the choice, if you see what I mean?

Right so it's a non issue then if we all know fine well people can choose whatever surname option they want.

I don't think it has to be perfectly at 50/50 but it won't be sexist when Mr. Dick is almost as likely to change his name to his wives last name because he hates it.

Right now Miss Dick may change her name to Mrs Taylor because she hates it but 9 times out of 10, her brother doesn't change his name and even likely is married to a Mrs Dick.

Of course they can.

Doesn't take away the sexism of some choices though which you can't seem to grasp.

I kept my surname for professional reasons, but gave the kids his. I got bullied horribly in school because of my name (Bacon) and didn’t want that for my kids.

Well in that case we have different views on what sexism is.

I actually think society is changing much quicker than you realise (in Britain anyway I can't comment on other countries).

Not quickly enough.

It's improved but there is still far too much sexism within society, it's ingrained.

Agree with this 100%.

If it’s such a non-sexist choice why is it so much more common for women to do it? Either there’s something influencing women’s decisions in a way that doesn’t influence the men or it’s a huge coincidence that the majority of people with hard to spell or identifying or embarrassing surnames they can’t wait to get rid of happen to be women.

Personally I suspect the influence is the prevailing idea that “maiden names” are considered temporary, borrowed off your dad until you inherit another name on marriage. So women don’t grow up expecting to keep the same name for life in the same way men do.

The fact I don’t ever recall hearing anyone refer to a “master name” or whatever a male equivalent of a maiden name would be is pretty telling. And undeniably sexist.

No, of course not. I was very glad to get rid of my father’s family name. He was long dead and not a very nice man when he was alive. I didn’t share a name with anyone. I felt like an orphan growing up. It was a very conscious and informed choice to change my name so I could share a name with Dh and his family (who is more MY family than my own family of origin, most of whom I haven’t seen in 20+ years).

My maiden name has a tricky spelling and pronounciation. I was glad to get rid of it.

The issue is that the majority of women take their husbands names, whereas it’s virtually unheard of for men to take their wives names. The reason for this is sexism.

But because the choice is there it means that you can choose the old fashioned option if you wish. You have choice. Women in the past didnt.

Old fashioned is often just another term for sexist.

Women can choose the sexist option if they wish. As I've said a million times now.

It is still sexist even if women willingly make the choice.

No the reason is tradition. But if a woman wants her partner's surname then it's not sexism as she is getting what she wants.

And as others have mentioned sometimes there are other reasons they wished their husband's surname such as being bullied for their surname and not wishing their kids to experience the same.