To think women taking their husband’s name doesn’t have to be sexist?

[RealNavyEagle]

I know it’s a traditional thing and some people see it as outdated or patriarchal but I actually think there’s something quite nice about a whole family sharing the same name. It doesn’t feel like “losing my identity” to me, just part of building a shared one.

AIBU to think it’s not automatically a regressive choice and that it can just be a personal one?

No, the point of feminism is equality.
"Choice" is not the liberating thing you claim it is. Choices are not made in a vacuum.
Some people argue that women "choose" to be sex workers but it's almost always an economically motivated decision. Not a free choice at all.

I see women as strong and confident with their own minds and a voice. Times have changed. I dont see women as victims. I'm confident that women can make their own choices in life in the majority of cases.

Choice can be a tool to achieving equality though (e.g. reproductive choice, voting...) but agree choice isn't the outcome itself.

Then you are fortunately ignorant and sheltered from the actions of a great deal of men, and women too, especially in other cultures, age groups, communities, where genuine free choice is not the rule. In some areas, it's getting even worse.

Oh yes of course there are some cultures where women most definitely do not have choice.

And based on your post it seems that the option NOT to change your name to such an ugly one seems to have completely passed you by
🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

I despair sometimes, I really do.

The precedent has been set. The tradition lingers on. Unmarried women still have “maiden names”, unmarried men just have surnames.

When we say it’s sexist that the majority of women still take their husband’s name on marriage we’re not talking about women being forced to take their husband’s name against their will. We’re talking about the societal and historical influences that impact men and women’s choices differently. If none of that applied anymore and it was purely practical reasons for name changing then men would be changing their names on marriage at the same rate as women. But they’re not so we have to assume there’s still an element of sexism at play.

ETA - I don’t want to derail the thread but women have always worked.

It is sexist in that it is meant to represent a change of ownership - from one man owning the woman to a new man owning her. That is the whole point of it originally.

Most 'traditions' behind marriage are sexist.

DH just had the more interesting surname. My maiden name is very common, along the lines of smith or Jones, and also not a bloodline surname due to adoption a few generations back, so I wasn’t particularly attached to it, and I wanted a whole family surname for the kids. If I’d had the more interesting surname DH was perfectly willing to change to mine. I prefer my married name. There was also the issue of someone of minor celebrity status for something infamous having the same first and last name as me so I was quite happy to not be teased about that anymore.

My own friend described wanting to keep her name, but their husband didn't "allow" them. Said he wouldn't marry her unless she had his name. This is white English culture. She relented, felt she didn't have a choice. She leans towards capitulation and subservience due to a dominant father.

This is an extreme version of the low-key sexism that affects a lot of life, even if we don't quite realise it.

A lot of stuff happens just because it's the 'way it's done'. Unless the woman is doing it in full knowledge that she can do it another way, with no ramifications (due to sex-based expectations), it's not truly a free, active, fully conscious choice.

Meh, before we got married we agreed we definitely weren’t hyphenating because we both think hyphenated names are stupid (which is an opinion not a fact), I thought about keeping my name but then I decided I wanted is to both have the same name and the same name as any (at the time) furture DC might have. It’s our family name, I don’t really care whether it was “his” name or “my” name previously because it’s “our” name now. Plus I much prefer it to my original name.

Oh dear that's sad she wanted to marry someone like that. But if she is happy in her marriage (hopefully) then I suppose that trumps everything else.

But plenty women do have an active free choice thankfully.

Give it time, some changes happen slowly

My parents weren’t for the Uk, therefore my surname was unpronounceable and not easy to spell. I got bored of it after 32 years. When I tell people I speak my parents language fluently, they’re shocked as my name sounds English 😂

It's absolutely sexist. If you want a shared identity then surely you'd hyphenate.
It's even weirder if they get divorced and the woman keeps the ex's name.
It seems to be happening less and less, women keeping their names, and many giving it to their children instead of the husbands name. I even know two where the husband has taken the woman's name.
I kept my name, and I'm so glad I did. DC has their fathers name, and my surname as a middle name.

I am baffled as to why you think a woman choosing something prevents it from being sexist.

Women choose sexism all the time. Because it’s normalised, because it’s traditional, because because it’s easy, because it’s rewarded. That’s how patriarchy works.

I dont view something that a woman has a choice in as sexist. But also if you think changing surnames is sexist then pressumably you feel everything about marriage is sexist. So not something you should be involved in if you dont want to do something sexist.

Add to that when a woman's title does not indicate her marital status.

😂😂😂

Some elements of marriage are sexist but they are largely optional. Marriage is also important as far too often women are the lower earner and it protects them financially.

Taking the mans last name is sexist
Having someone 'give you away' is sexist
wearing a white wedding dress is sexist
etc

but you can have weddings without them.

If you flip a coin or do something similarly random and choose a family surname without the baggage of centuries telling you that a woman’s name is less important, then it isn’t sexist.

if you rationalize it by it was my father’s name, it mattered more to him, or any other flimsy justification, then it is sexist.

Yes but one of the main arguments im getting on here about the surname issue is what it represents throughout history. So the same is true of marriage itself. You are still involved in something that throughout history was a sexist practice that disadvantaged women in many ways. I dont view these things as sexist but for those that do.

It doesn't disadvantage women who are generally lower earners though, it is actually an advantage to them which is why the general recommendation is don't have DC before marriage on here.

You can take out the sexist parts of a wedding. You either take your husbands surname or you don't.

Choice then! Despite marriage being sexist traditionally and not benefitting women traditionally you are saying it's not sexist nowadays. So it's not sexist anymore because times have changed right.

It's not sexist because it actually benefits women financially so they aren't left vulnerable if the relationship doesn't work out.

Marriage has changed, of course it has. It used to be legal for men to rape their wife until far, far too recently but I can't call something sexist when it financially protects so many women.

The same can't be said about a name change.