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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not think being drugged 100% of the time is better than taking a controlled substance twice a month?

144 replies

HennyPennyLane · 06/07/2025 17:42

I am in my 40s. I've dealt with depression on and off my entire life, quite severely. A mix of genuine trauma and I think probably a natural disposition.

I realize I only really need something at most twice a month. And that's PMT related. It's bad, really really bad. Today I've honestly felt like I could happily walk right off a bridge and my family can just fuck off. I know That's not right, I also personally know what suicide does to a family. But I'm at breaking point. I've taken anti depressants before, several different kinds. I hated them they didn't help. They didn't let me feel like me, they fucked up my sex drive and they made me worse.

I've got a difficult life, I've got children with quite serious needs, so I can't really be dicking about trying to find something that works and lets me look after a family.

I mentioned diazepam before to the GP and they brought up anti depressants again. I don't want them!! I don't want to feel like shit all the time when I'm a functioning human 99% of the time. I just need something for the 1% I'm not. Can you get addicted from two diazepam a month? It doesn't seem likely. I've been given them a few times in the past for other reasons and they were so perfect for what I needed and I didn't feel any addictive way towards them. I was able to save them for emergencies when I felt like I do now but haven't got any left. One pack of a few lasted years.

I'm so sad right now and so angry.

OP posts:
theresbeautyinwindysun · 06/07/2025 17:43

Don’t know the answer but sending a hug.

Thatsrhesummeroverthen · 06/07/2025 17:45

What's your perimenopause situation? As HRT could be another option for the kind of feelings you describe

Original poster
HennyPennyLane · 06/07/2025 17:45

theresbeautyinwindysun · 06/07/2025 17:43

Don’t know the answer but sending a hug.

Thank you, I could actually do with one right now.

OP posts:
2024onwardsandup · 06/07/2025 17:46

Can you see a private psychiatrist? The problem is that nhs gps are really closely monitored with diazepam

there is a risk of addiction - but you know yourself

TaupeMember · 06/07/2025 17:47

You have pmdd

It's the worst

Original poster
HennyPennyLane · 06/07/2025 17:48

Thatsrhesummeroverthen · 06/07/2025 17:45

What's your perimenopause situation? As HRT could be another option for the kind of feelings you describe

I don't know, my periods are still regular but other symptoms started in my mid thirties. In some ways, I think emotionally I'm better now because I would have been all over the show all month when I was in my twenties. Now it's really a solid two days where I'm trying not to kill my husband for breathing in annoying way or crying and wanting to drop off the face of the earth. Do you know when you feel so tired you can't imagine doing anything else ever again. That's how I feel right now

OP posts:
TaupeMember · 06/07/2025 17:49

I feel the same but about codeine.

Wish I could take a codeine every 4 hours for a week of the month.

I do know this would be unwise, no need for anyone to spell that out.

Unless you get this, you have no idea.

I understand op.

TaupeMember · 06/07/2025 17:49

Maybe not pmdd if only 2 days a month...

BallerinaFall · 06/07/2025 17:51

You sound like me when I got burnout, pmdd and the perimenopause.

This is often a real tricky time

MissMoneyFairy · 06/07/2025 17:51

Have you asked the gp for diqzepqm, they seem so reluctant to,prescribed it now, I had to beg for one tablet pre skin cancer surgery.,they may be worried you'll od if you have a history of depression and suicidal thoughts. What symptoms do you need help with.

Thatsrhesummeroverthen · 06/07/2025 17:52

obviously I don't know if it's that for you OP, but I felt murderous with rage in peri and HRT has stopped me actually killing anyone

Original poster
HennyPennyLane · 06/07/2025 17:52

It's definitely period related and happens the same time every month. I guess I'm lucky that it doesn't go on longer. I just feel so broken and not sure why I have to just accept it. It's NOT depression, I don't need or want anti depressants.

OP posts:
User868473 · 06/07/2025 17:54

2 benzos a month is a lot. The problem is that the same dosage will quickly stop feeling as effective so you start to up it for the same effect. You might be able to start with a very low dose for a few months but then there might be one very month and you decide to double the amount. Then it's incredibly hard to go back to the original dose because your brain tells you it's not as effective. Before you know it you'll be taking double or triple what your original prescription was, and most likely far more often than 2 days a month. So that's why no doctor would prescribe it as a long term solution to PMDD.

It's also unclear whether "2 days" means two single doses spread over two days or taking it around the clock for 2-3 days as long as symptoms are present. Unlike a single dose for flying or fear of the dentist, PMDD symptoms won't disappear in a few hours or as soon as you're out of a certain environment. So it's a slippery slope and could easily result in taking 6-8 doses a month.

Original poster
HennyPennyLane · 06/07/2025 17:56

Thatsrhesummeroverthen · 06/07/2025 17:52

obviously I don't know if it's that for you OP, but I felt murderous with rage in peri and HRT has stopped me actually killing anyone

Did you find the rage changed during the month or was it there all the time? I can feel like that way and it's very difficult because of the home situation, but I'm a bit scared to start HRT as i don't know how it will affect me and I have to be so careful that I'm 'on top of my game ' for the kids. Do you have to make a case for it or will they just give it to you? I'm tempted to try the cream, they seem a bit less scary.

OP posts:
BrentfordForever · 06/07/2025 17:58

@HennyPennyLane diazepam is extremely addictive , it always starts by 2 days a month (my dad got hooked couldn’t sleep without them, his personality changed, my childhood was a mess)
it’s a benzo you can’t get worse than that

go to a private psychiatrist as others suggested too, you could even end up with some really effective non stimulant adhd related meds that deal with anxiety as well

100thtime · 06/07/2025 17:59

I've had mental health problems most of my life OP. And been diagnosed with different anti depressants many many times over the years. And without fail I take them for a few days and that's it: i don't want to take them and I won't take them.
So through a lot of my life I've used alcohol to self medicate my mental health.
Over the past few years I've made great progress in being generally tea total and I use propranolol to cope on an " as and when basis" . I take it when life is too difficult to survive otherwise.
So personally I would find you using diazipan when you really need it at certain times of the month an acceptable solution if it works for you.

Original poster
HennyPennyLane · 06/07/2025 18:03

If money was no object I'd definitely see a private psychiatrist but currently we're already paying our for private care for DC who is autistic and needs loads of input due to aggression etc. so it's a good shout, but unfortunately not realistic. Or maybe, fuck it, I just need to consider it and use credit? I can't live like this. I do actually worry that I'll just get so bad one day that I walk out and don't come back and leave my kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
HennyPennyLane · 06/07/2025 18:05

100thtime · 06/07/2025 17:59

I've had mental health problems most of my life OP. And been diagnosed with different anti depressants many many times over the years. And without fail I take them for a few days and that's it: i don't want to take them and I won't take them.
So through a lot of my life I've used alcohol to self medicate my mental health.
Over the past few years I've made great progress in being generally tea total and I use propranolol to cope on an " as and when basis" . I take it when life is too difficult to survive otherwise.
So personally I would find you using diazipan when you really need it at certain times of the month an acceptable solution if it works for you.

Edited

I was actually given beta blockers when I asked the GP for the diazepam a while back. I used them once when I had to go to a meeting about DC as I needed to be calm and was basically a nervous, physically shaking wreck at the time due to violence in the home. Do they work for non physical side effects?

OP posts:
Original poster
HennyPennyLane · 06/07/2025 18:06

Thank you to everyone has answered by the way, you've all been very kind I was a bit worried about the responses I'd get.

OP posts:
2024onwardsandup · 06/07/2025 18:08

It does sound like PMDD - which is woefully under diagnosed and poorly treated. See if you can find a specialist in this?? I do think it’s worth spending money if you can find the right person to help you

Notreallyme27 · 06/07/2025 18:09

I ended up getting a psychiatric referral for PMDD. They were brilliant. I was prescribed diazepam and they informed my GP to continue prescribing as and when needed. Some months I didn’t even take it, only when I was really bad. I was also given zopiclone because I often couldn’t sleep when my mind was racing. I eventually had my ovaries removed which was a miracle cure, and even menopause is a walk in the park in comparison.

Original poster
HennyPennyLane · 06/07/2025 18:10

If men dealt with monthly hormone fluctuations like this do you think there would be meds that were designed for different points in your cycle, and not just something you take every day regardless?

OP posts:
FloofyBird · 06/07/2025 18:12

I had pmdd and the gp said I could take anti d's all the time or just for two weeks. I found I only actually needed them for maybe a week so that's how I did it.

Original poster
HennyPennyLane · 06/07/2025 18:12

Notreallyme27 · 06/07/2025 18:09

I ended up getting a psychiatric referral for PMDD. They were brilliant. I was prescribed diazepam and they informed my GP to continue prescribing as and when needed. Some months I didn’t even take it, only when I was really bad. I was also given zopiclone because I often couldn’t sleep when my mind was racing. I eventually had my ovaries removed which was a miracle cure, and even menopause is a walk in the park in comparison.

I think I need to contact the GP again. If no dice, I'll look into a private psychiatrist. X

OP posts:
CoralOP · 06/07/2025 18:16

I hear you, I went through a spell of not sleeping and the doctor gave me diazipam once and it was a miracle worker.
Days and days of no sleep with a young baby, crying my eyes out in desperation to sleep, shaking, couldn't think straight was 1000 x worse than any side effects of the odd diazipam for the occasional night sleep. Hubby was at home but they would only give me it twice then no more.

My step dad was refused diazipam when my mother died after begging the doctors and in the end he said look either give me a perscription for it or I'll go straight out on the street and buy it, I'm that desperate. They gave him it but there's so much reluctantance. He was a very well to do, kind, family man, no indication of dependency etc. He just needed his mind to calm down from grief.
Seems so difference to the likes of America where the likes of zanax are so frequently used.