Adult children didn’t come down to meet their cousins baby

[AdEmRoJaAn]

Hi all, I have 5 children, DS are 25 and 22, DDs are 24, 19 and 17.

This weekend all 5 of them are staying at home as Friday night was my husbands birthday party.

Today my niece brought her 5 day old baby girl to come and meet us. My youngest 3 came downstairs and chatted, held baby etc. but my eldest 2 didn’t. DD is going through a break up and claims she was too tired as she didn’t really sleep last night and she doesn’t really like holding babies. DS said he just doesn’t get the hype but apologised. They were here for 3 hours so hardly like they didn’t have plenty of time to pop in.

AIBU to be absolutely raging that they were so bloody rude?

Quite the drip feed OP. Obviously you omitted your DD being in a sobbing state and your DS staying with her to comfort her as it didn't fit with your "suck it up and play happy families"

Having read this - you are being totally unreasonable and pretty cruel.

You seem to care more about the cousin than your own DD

Nah they weren't rude

It's ruder imo to expect someone to stop what they are doing, pop down and spend a cursory 5 minutes chatting before they go back up

Unless she was specifically invited around by the whole family or asked to see the whole family and they were aware before she arrived

But why would showing basic manners be more important than your own obvious grief about the end of a relationship, or a sibling’s desire to comfort you? The three other siblings had gone down to make a fuss of the baby, so it wasn’t as though the visitors were being ignored. I certainly wouldn’t have gone downstairs to be ‘polite’ if I’d been up half the night crying over a break-up and was unshowered, distraught and swollen up like a pumpkin from crying.

Not got much sympathy for your daughter, do you? She’s in the thick of it and not seeing clearly. She needs support and care so that she can realize what is best for her (cutting contact).

And yes, I had a feeling that the cousin was a very young mother. Again, not strange at all for them to distance themselves from that. I would have at her age. I would have been incredibly uncomfortable and confused by it and not known how to act around her.

Totally agree. No. Part of being an adult is knowing that you don’t have to please your mother or be in the company of someone you aren’t interested in.

You would be livid that your DD was a sobbing mess in her room and the DS was comforting her?

As OP has now drip fed this in an update

"DH went up and asked them down. Apparently DD was in bed crying and said she wouldn’t come down and he couldn’t make her and DS said he was going to sit with her and wasn’t interested in the baby or his cousin."

Damn. That changes everything. You're raging over her not being social when she's hurting so badly? That's cold.

At least her brother has her back.

Your poor daughter @AdEmRoJaAn.

I can't believe people are advocating for grown adults to hide away in their childhood bedrooms instead of showing basic manners to their cousin and her new baby.

It is rude to hide away and ignore people, break up or no break up.

No, it’s not. You’re allowed to have boundaries and you don’t have to associate with anyone you don’t want to for whatever reason just because some people have very set ideas about what is “expected.” Besides, the OPs massive dripfeed about what was actually going on changes things completely.

You think someone who is, at that very moment, crying her heart out should just suck it up and go down? See I think it’s bad manners to expect that. She’s also has a recent abortion and might not want to be around a baby. Maybe have some empathy.

Or that your own emotions deserve attention over ‘being polite’. Given the circumstances (three siblings went downstairs to admire the baby, and the other two were dealing with a 20year old’s unhinged grief over a breakup), I’m astonished the OP’s husband went upstairs to ask them to come down at all. It’s not like the parents didn’t know why they hadn’t.

Well, I was raised to greet visitors and make polite small-talk, even if it's only for a few minutes, no matter how shit I was feeling. OP's daughter could have gone home as planned if she didn't want to socialise, it's not like she was forced to stay

Awww I'm far more sympathetic to her knowing she's going through a breakup and was in a state. I think some people are forgetting what it's like to be young and wrapped up in your first proper heartbreak. I'd give her, and her brother (bless him for trying to comfort her), a bit of grace under the circumstances. Celebrating someone else's happiness is hard when you feel so sad.

No one is perfectly behaved with flawless manners all the time, and right in the centre of the hurricane of a breakup is a time I think it's ok to be a bit self centred.

Technically the person with the baby isn't visiting those who don't actually live there (and are also visiting). 😬

Eh, having "boundaries" seems to be increasingly used as a get-out clause for being rude to other people.

If her DD didn't want to "associate" with her cousin, she could have gone home as planned, couldn't she? Being a grown adult and all.

When you are a young adult, you get asked all kinds of uncomfortable questions when young babies are around. This may be especially tricky for your daughter having just got through a breakup. I always hated it when I was around the same age.

Funny how you’re so concerned about being rude to the cousins but have no empathy at all for a sobbing woman. Whether she was upstairs breaking her heart or crying alone at home, she wouldn’t have met the cousin all the same.

I wouldn’t expect your adult children to oooh and aaaah over a baby. But I would certainly expect them to show their faces to greet your other adult guests.

Even when they’re upstairs sobbing, and their brother is comforting them. How is that rude? Sometimes, some things are more important than not being seen as rude, anyway.

The most telling thing here is that these two siblings consider themselves “above” the OP’s side of the family.

That alone smacks of snobbery and rudeness. Not doubt they look down on a young woman who’s had a baby at 20.

And you are right, @AdEmRoJaAn - sometimes you have to dry your tears, wash your face, put on your big girl pants and have some manners. Far better than refusing to block an ex and allowing yourself to wallow in masochistic grief.

I can have empathy for her and think her behaviour was rude. I'm just a bit sick of everyone using "boundaries" to opt out of basic human interactions.

Besides, if she was home as planned, she wouldn't have been deliberately opting out, so it's not even remotely comparable.

Yes. I think we know why the eldest two aren’t interested in their mothers side when she prioritises spending time with a cousin who has got herself knocked up young instead of her actual grown up daughter who is going through a break up. But hey, babeees. 🙄

sometimes you have to dry your tears, wash your face, put on your big girl pants and have some manners.

Exactly. Of course going through a break-up is absolutely shit, but lots of things in life are shit, doesn't mean you can use them as an excuse to be rude.

I’d rather have empathy and a lack of perceived manners than the other way round! I bet the cousins would be fine with it if she knew what was going on.

Why so we have to hide our emotions for someone else convenience?