Adult children didn’t come down to meet their cousins baby

[AdEmRoJaAn]

Hi all, I have 5 children, DS are 25 and 22, DDs are 24, 19 and 17.

This weekend all 5 of them are staying at home as Friday night was my husbands birthday party.

Today my niece brought her 5 day old baby girl to come and meet us. My youngest 3 came downstairs and chatted, held baby etc. but my eldest 2 didn’t. DD is going through a break up and claims she was too tired as she didn’t really sleep last night and she doesn’t really like holding babies. DS said he just doesn’t get the hype but apologised. They were here for 3 hours so hardly like they didn’t have plenty of time to pop in.

AIBU to be absolutely raging that they were so bloody rude?

She’s a 24 year old woman with her own home - she could either have gone back to said home or dried her eyes and sucked it up for five minutes. Neither are particularly outrageous suggestions, yet by some of the responses, people are acting like she was forced to go out for dinner or perform a concert.

A break up with a boyfriend is not a major crisis in the grander scheme of things.

And self-care just means self-one session, self-absorption here, doesn’t it?

She’d do herself far better in the care front if she got on with life.

Maybe she wanted to stay with her family for some support. But like I said. I’m not sure we’re getting an accurate picture here anyway

Lots of things in life are shit and tedious, but that doesn’t mean you can just opt out.

If I were one of your visiting children I'd find it quite rude that you'd invited another guest at the same time without asking if I minded and then expected me to help entertain them. They came for their dad.

It’s self-absorbed to expect everyone to drop everything and fawn over you and your baby too though (not that we have any evidence the cousin was expecting that).

This is a cruel and insensitive attitude to have to your daughter's pain. There's evidence that break ups can be just as emotionally devastating as the loss of a loved one, it's a real grief and cannot be 'pushed aside' on a whim for the sake of politeness.

Maybe she did, so she could have spent five minutes making small talk couldn’t she?

DD is 31. 1 baby so far in her friend group. All 31 and over. No one owns a home, higher on their priority list.

Depends how upset she was. I don’t see why her needs are less important than the cousin’s.

You were raised to suppress your own emotions under the facade of some bullshit social contract

Others would say it's rude to force people to suppress their emotions

There are absolutely times you can though, and OP’s son and daughter decided that this was one of them.

I don't see the problem. There were enough people fussing over the baby. Why do they have to do the same if they don't want to?

Everyone should be able to fake it for a few minutes for the sake of being polite.

See, I think asking is where you went wrong. I'd have been TELLING them, 'Come downstairs and say hi to your cousin. I don't care if you like babies, you're being bloody rude. Wash your face, come down, say hello and congratulations on the baby, then you can politely excuse yourselves. If you won't conduct yourselves politely, you can leave and be ill mannered in your own houses.'

And given that DD is 24, she might have been harbouring fantasies about one day having a child of her own with her boyfriend - despite saying she doesn't like holding babies.

I was really responding to the “they can do what they like” posters rather than the OP to be honest.

But even given the circs I think they were rude.

I thought the same to be honest. If I went to visit a relative and her adult children hid in their bedrooms without very briefly popping down to say hi I would assume they were either neurodiverse or just plain odd. It's not normal behaviour in the slightest.

It's something I would expect from an awkward 13 year old, not two grown adults with their own homes.

I think they were very rude not to just come down and say hello.

How long ago was DD’s break up? Recently one of my DC had a long term relationship break up and a week later was going to a good friend’s wedding. The friend said they understood if DC couldn’t face it, but they went. DC said it was a good distraction!

"And if you can't be considerate to my emotional state then I'll happily leave and have no contact with you. Good luck if you need help later on."

What is terribly exhausting are the number of people that think - regardless of what has happened to you or the state you are in - it’s more important to plaster a fake grin and come out with some enthusiastic platitude than to be honest about how you are actually feeling. As if being fake is more important than anything else!

If the cousin indeed cared about dd, she might have even asked if she is okay and felt concerned. I certainly would never expect my cousins to be wheeled out to honour my newborn if she was feeling so bereft, because I am not self centred - and the world doesn’t revolve around me. I would want her to prioritise herself. To take care of herself. Or I might even want to comfort her.

No wonder there is so much mental illness around! No one is allowed to have a bad day. To feel quiet and sad. They have to perform like monkeys for others.

I live a much more authentic life, we are honest here. If it’s too much, it’s too much. The person not protocol is important.

Poor dd, and so glad her brother did the right thing at least. I doubt she will be back the next time her life hits the buffers.

DD is 24 and her friends are all early to mid 20s. Not one of them is interested in babies just now. They are all in the middle of post grad study or at the beginning of their careers.

@AdEmRoJaAn I think the older two could at least have just come down to say hello to their cousin even if they weren't interested in her baby.

Even DD, who doesn't like babies would have come to say hello then beat a hasty retreat once the baby starts crying.

They are adults and you really have no right to tell them what to do. OP seems to think that the older 2 get on better with each other and their father. I wonder why?

The fact that some shit & tedious things can't be avoided is surely more reason to avoid those which you can?

Like forcing small talk with a cousin you don't like, and feigning interest in their baby.