To feel ‘less’ of a mother when you have one child

[HelloSunshine100]

Lately I don’t know if I am creating this feeling myself or just noticing things but does anyone else feel like others make you feel less of a parent when you only have one child?
Like the school mums with 3 young kids under five rushing from school run to nursery and carting the baby around etc..almost like they are the ones to really be exhausted and tired and if you have one child it’s awkward to claim your struggling and tired cos you only have one?! Almost like feeling less entitled to the role as parent as you don’t have multiple kids ‘you only have one it must be so easy’ these sorts of comments are widely thrown around…

I also feel the same sometimes, OP.
But I know it's not true. It's all cultural conditioning and it comes with a serving of misogyny. A mum is a mum, no matter what. Your worth is not in the number of children you raise or in how much you "sacrificed" as a mum.
I totally see where you are coming from though - I have a three year old who is going to be an only at this rate and i know for a fact that people are making all kinds of wild assumptions about me and about why I don't have more children. mums of multiples, particularly in the context of church (I'm a practicing Christian) absolutely DO treat me differently and I often feel "othered" and sidelined.
I wish people who care so much about how many kids I have were also more curious and empathetic about the reasons WHY. But they won't be, and I have to be confident and not depend on the validation of others for my self worth. They can assume and project whatever they want, but I trust my story.
For a lot of us mums of onlies, motherhood was hard-won. Maybe we had years of miscarriages. Maybe we had IVF. Maybe we didn't meet our partner until later in life and had to navigate our way around commitment phobic men and awful dates before we found a stable man we could start a family with.
I actually went through quite a lot to have my son because of one of those reasons- I'm grateful for him every day and I am not less of a mum.
There are some unintended silver linings of just having one child - it's been easier for me to progress in my career and I sometimes dabble in a hobby I was very involved in pre-motherhood. I definitely get passive aggressive digs from mums of multiple children about if, say, I've been abroad on a business trip or it comes up in conversation that I went to the pub one night to catch up with a child free friend. I'm learning to grow a thicker skin!

Which is why I said unless a child has a condition.

But even without the additional needs I still think she has it harder.

There's never going to be a one-size fits rule on this. If it's important to you to consider yourself busier and harder done by than others because you have more children then fine, you can continue to uphold that view for the sake of your self perception, but it's probably getting in the way of you being able to meaningfully empathise and connect with others.

How do you know though? We all have the same number of hours. You don't get extra time. You just spread your time among 3. Doesn't mean you're doing more. You're juggling things among 3, while a parent of 1 can juggle more for their 1.

I'm a parent of 1 and step parent to 2. My life is far easier when they are all together. On paper, I should be arguing my life is harder.

That doesn’t make any sense? Of course tying three lots of shoelaces takes more time than one.
Yes you have the same number of hours in the day but you have to dedicate more time to children if you have more. It takes more time to wash 3 kids hair than 1 so clearly bathtime even a quick one will take more time.

You’re definitely just as much a mother as someone with ten children. It’s just less work to have fewer children, as a general rule, and that’s OK.

I feel v lucky to have DD8mo after multiple miscarriages. Hopefully we can have another child but it does sound like more work 😂

You're filling your time juggling 3 baths or 3 sets of shoelaces. Parents of 1 may simply be adding in extra activities that you're not doing. Juggling more for 1 child rather than spreading it out over 3. More activities. More time spent deep diving homework etc. I don't agree by simply having more children you 'dedicate more time to children.'

Than she would be otherwise

I don’t feel that way at all, and of course it’s not true that mothers of one child are any less a mother than those with multiple.

I plan on having a large family though (ideally 3 more) and my daughter is only 1 so none of my mum friends have had another child yet, though many are planning a second. Some have decided one is enough and that’s a perfectly valid choice too.

I do think it’s “easier” to have one child, but all children have different needs and comparison is useless really.

Yes choosing to add in extra activities. Choosing. Extra non essential stuff. Stuff that can be done or not done

I actually feel like a great mum with only having one. I didn't have another just to appease society - I made the choice to stick to one, and she gets all my love, attention, time and money.

Absolutely not. If you have a child you are a mum, even when they are an adult. End of.

My BF has one DC, I have 2. However, because her only DC has a lot of medical conditions, the DC will never truly be independent and so will need much more "mothering" than mine will.

I always knew I only wanted one. He has older half siblings anyway so he's not missing out. I feel sorry for Mums when I see them with 3 young kids. My mum had 3 fairly close together and she said we used to gang up on her. 😂

Do you make your child 3 breakfasts, lunches and dinners, catering to different tastes and requirements?

Do you take your child 3 times to the dentist? Is your 1 child as likely to need as many medical appointments as my 3 children?

Does your 1 child do as many clubs and activities as my 3 children?

Do you spend as long on bedtime putting your 1 child to sleep as I do my 3?

Do you celebrate your child’s birthday 3 times a year?

There are loads of aspects of parenting I need to do 3 times versus your 1.

It’s not a competition, that doesn’t make me more of a mum. But it does make me far busier to tend to their needs. I know what it’s like to have 1 child, I did it for 2 years. You haven’t been a parent to 3 young children (step children are likely older unless you had a child quickly after your husband had one with another woman - and you don’t have the same demands as a step mum than a mum).

I’m totally out numbered by my 3! I wouldn’t change it, and I love their chaos and fun together, but I also feel ganged up against a lot of the time 🤣 I love my family but I do envy my friend who has 1 child, I can definitely see the appeal and benefits!

I don’t feel like this personally but can see why people might. I have one child, SIL has 3. She’s always making slightly snippy comments about free time and how much hard work it is for her compared to me like this was a burden she didn’t have any choice being put on her. I feel like saying yes it is bloody hard work, that’s why I only had one! I don’t know why she has 3…and is pregnant with a 4th!

I do openly say I'm quite relieved I only have one, as I couldn't cope with more... perhaps you should say that to her 😂

Equally, my SIL doesn't have children (or want them) and always looks slightly horrified by how much work and attention our one needs. She knows her limits, I know mine!