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Original poster

To feel ‘less’ of a mother when you have one child

218 replies

HelloSunshine100 · 05/07/2025 22:18

Lately I don’t know if I am creating this feeling myself or just noticing things but does anyone else feel like others make you feel less of a parent when you only have one child?
Like the school mums with 3 young kids under five rushing from school run to nursery and carting the baby around etc..almost like they are the ones to really be exhausted and tired and if you have one child it’s awkward to claim your struggling and tired cos you only have one?! Almost like feeling less entitled to the role as parent as you don’t have multiple kids ‘you only have one it must be so easy’ these sorts of comments are widely thrown around…

OP posts:
LittleGlowingOblong · 05/07/2025 23:22

It sounds weird but I feel that a) only having one meant my psychological transition to being a mother didn’t fully complete - ie it’s very possible to keep a finger hold on your old life; but b) conversely having one is exhausting bc you are playing the role of playmate as well as parent.

Wish I’d had 3 - it looks EXHAUSTING but I think once the hard yards are behind you, it gets easier. Mums of 3 seem different to me, more ego dissolution, or something (and they wouldn’t be on Mumsnet right now!)

ShiverMeLogs · 05/07/2025 23:26

Zezet · 05/07/2025 22:55

One is infinitely easier. Whenever only one of my kids is home it is such a calm and quiet and easy time.

But saying that therefore, one child makes one less of a mum is really saying that motherhood must be hard to be motherhood. And the harder, the better/more real.

Which is a rather depressing way to think about motherhood!

So no, I don't think mums of onelies are "less" mothers.

This. Just having one is a breeze.

I don't look down on parents of onlies, and wouldn't reject then as friends, nor do I care how many children other people have.

But it's pure nonsense that more children are easier than one.

LeeLemon · 05/07/2025 23:27

No I never feel this way for only having one.
I had to come off medication in order to have my dd, then I got severe pnd. I got up and dragged myself around through feeling the worst I ever have in my life for five years, with Covid going on as well for the first three. I looked after my younger sister constantly as a kid because my parents were alcoholic/ mh problems and rarely at home. In my twenties I cared for my mentally ill mother including resuscitating her after a suicide attempt and doing cpr multiple times. On the odd occasion a school mum with two or three kids makes a comment along the lines of having it harder, I usually roll my eyes inwardly.
Besides, my grandmother had sixteen children. She was a crap mother to every one of them but by your logic she’s more of “a mother” than most women will ever be.

Miniaturemom · 05/07/2025 23:28

I think it depends on the child’s personality and the phase they are in. I have an easy child and a challenging one. If I had 2 easy ones and hadn’t experienced anything else I wouldn’t understand how much harder some kids are to parent than others.

xigris · 05/07/2025 23:30

I have 3 and my best friend has 1. I think there are challenges with either set up, tbh and NEITHER of us is anymore or less of a mother.

My 3 are great but can be really hard work when they’re squabbling. On the other hand, they do play a lot together / hang out together. They also had each other during the covid lockdowns. That said, when they aren’t getting on / one needs more parenting for whatever reason (eg one of them has reasonably significant SEN), then it’s really hard. I work and juggling that plus the increased CoL is an issue as well with having a family of 5.

My best friend has more disposable income than we do, primarily because of having 1 child - only 1 maternity leave, smaller house, smaller car, lower food costs etc etc, Her DC has “done” more than my lot in terms of expensive extra curricular activities, holidays, tuition etc. She’s had both parents undivided attention and she’s an absolutely gorgeous person but that said, her mum found lockdown incredibly hard any stressful as her daughter felt so isolated. She’s also found it hard having her daughter look to her for everything entertainment - wise when she was little in possible lieu of having a sibling/s. She has said that sometimres struggles with feelings of guilt for not having another but then conversely I sometimes feel the same for having 3!

So, I guess just like mums can be judged for working / not working we’ll also be judged for having 1 or several. We can’t win, can we?

Cocktailsincans · 05/07/2025 23:31

ShiverMeLogs · 05/07/2025 23:26

This. Just having one is a breeze.

I don't look down on parents of onlies, and wouldn't reject then as friends, nor do I care how many children other people have.

But it's pure nonsense that more children are easier than one.

Show quote history

Depends on the children completely and the situation. You can’t claim life is so much harder for mums of more than one and having an only is a breeze…so wrong

moose17 · 05/07/2025 23:32

we only had by choice and I couldn’t imagine not giving her 100% of my time and love and I certainly don’t feel any less of a mother because I only had one child. It’s about the love and the understanding you have for your children not about how many you have.

Lafufufu · 05/07/2025 23:33

It doesnt make you less of a mother. And this sounds like a you problem not a them problem.

I have one friend who could have written what you've said here

I have several friends with one child - no big deal no drama they prob wouldn't relate to your post at all.

This friend (with an active / engaged DH) good health and one 4 yr old makes everything a big to do. she's difficult about times, venues, food etc and I just think "you only have one kid and they are FOUR now - what's your problem??!!!"

I have a FT job, a health condition and a 3.5 and 1.5 yr old and manage to turn up on time / not be awkward about absolutely everything...why cant you???"
Our 2 other friends feel the same.

She probably knows we are annoyed and might attribute it as you have.

Especially as I know she wanted more children and has had difficulty accepting they are one and done

AngelofIslington · 05/07/2025 23:33

My friend has one, I have more and I’d say she was probably busier than me.
Whereas mine would moan about being bored at times I honestly don’t think her DS has ever been bored in his life, she packed so much into every day for him, she was constantly running around after him to ensure he wasn’t lonely in anyway.
She was totally focused on him, I’m not meaning in an obsessive way, she was just a great mum.

Bufftailed · 05/07/2025 23:35

Ignore it OP. You know it is bs. It gets to me sometimes. Think of parents of one child you know, do you think less of them, obviously not. They often more interests/ other stuff going on

Allswellthatendswelll · 05/07/2025 23:36

FiendsandFairies · 05/07/2025 23:14

In my experience (I live in a big city) the parents with one child are sort of still living their old life to an extent - more disposable income, more time etc, so a lot of them have continued to go out regularly in the evenings.

We have two but I always got on better at our DC’s primary school with those parents. The ones with three were usually more affluent and competitive and, so yes, exceedingly smug in the main.

The ones with one were usually creative types and just way cooler IMO!

This! Sticking at one child seems a cool flex to me (I have two because of the inescapable biological urge and I'd probably go for a third if I let my heart rule my head). They are probably just jealous.

Two is v much the norm around here- boring and suburban. I feel inferior to mothers of three or four! There is always something in life.

ShiverMeLogs · 05/07/2025 23:38

Cocktailsincans · 05/07/2025 23:31

Depends on the children completely and the situation. You can’t claim life is so much harder for mums of more than one and having an only is a breeze…so wrong

Show quote history

It's just factual.

Like carrying 3kg is harder than carrying 1kg. Of course, maybe the 3kg isn't so bad for a really strong person, and the 1kg is tough for someone with no limbs, but it's the other stuff that make it not difficult, it's not that the physics of 3kg Vs 1kg has changed.

So three children can never be easier than one, but some people do have easier lives than others.

User839516 · 05/07/2025 23:38

I have three - I definitely don’t think my friends with one are any ‘less of a mother’. In fact the mums I know with one are all what I would consider to be particularly lovely mums. What I would say is that my mum friends with three understand me and my life on a different level to those with one (or two). There’s a certain affinity I have with the mums who have three, they just kind of ‘get it’ on a different level? But I would never look down or think less of a mum of one. If anything I would think they were much more sensible than I 😂

Cocktailsincans · 05/07/2025 23:43

ShiverMeLogs · 05/07/2025 23:38

It's just factual.

Like carrying 3kg is harder than carrying 1kg. Of course, maybe the 3kg isn't so bad for a really strong person, and the 1kg is tough for someone with no limbs, but it's the other stuff that make it not difficult, it's not that the physics of 3kg Vs 1kg has changed.

So three children can never be easier than one, but some people do have easier lives than others.

Show quote history

It’s not ‘Factual’ at all…!

Someone is on the wind up here 🙄

Darkdiamond · 05/07/2025 23:44

I've 3 and love it but I became a mother when I had my first child. It's like saying you can't be a home owner if you only own one home. You're a mother as soon as you have a baby, whether you have one or 10.

mrlistersgelfbride · 05/07/2025 23:46

Ah, I used to feel like this. Got defensive, upset, questioned my choices.
Now I don’t care as much ! How old is your child? Time may be your friend here.

Having a kid is hard work. Not sure I ever recovered properly and I’m 7.5 years in 🤣
DD has never been easy, she is very full on and doesn’t sleep much. Her dad is a bit of an arsehole and I had crippling post partum psychosis followed by years of PND, not to mention my parents aren’t interested in their only grandchild.

If I’m less of a mother, I’m definitely more of a person, for having only one child. I don’t really mind if people think I’m less of a mother. I have loads of childfree friends and other things to talk about other than DD.
I like that society is shifting.
I like headspace, time, money and sleep.

I could say all this to people. But I just tell them I did it once and discovered I don’t like kids so they stop talking about it 🤣
DD is enough for me and always will be, in a few years we’ll get some cats.

I hope you find peace in your decision, I know it’s not easy having these feelings.

1 is fab.

orangebread · 05/07/2025 23:46

Yes, totally agree OP. I feel this too (1 child also). I don't feel less of a mother. But I think others view me in this way by the comments they make. So many assumptions are made about you and your life because you 'only' have 1 child.

littleorangefox · 05/07/2025 23:47

Cocktailsincans · 05/07/2025 23:31

Depends on the children completely and the situation. You can’t claim life is so much harder for mums of more than one and having an only is a breeze…so wrong

Show quote history

I agree. If there were 4 of my friends very quiet, compliant, calm, easygoing children and 2 of my feral ones then I would say the parent of the 2 children definitely had a more difficult job 😂

HiCandles · 05/07/2025 23:50

Not less of a mother, but a mother having a different experience. I didn't realise how easy it was having just one until I had two. It definitely didn't feel easy at the time. I was exhausted at times. Then with two I found out I could get even more exhausted. Naptimes, making food, clearing up, juggling schedules, everything I fretted over as a first time mum became harder with two opposing sets of needs.
I do look at my friends with one and think why are you making such a fuss, you only have one to sort, you get so much free time with one parent free, but then I remember I was them once too and it's only by going through it having two plus that you can appreciate the experience of one.

cherish123 · 05/07/2025 23:50

Twinhearts · 05/07/2025 22:39

Mother of one teen here. I do not feel like less of a mother, however, I have been made to feel like one since my child was like...four. I have pets, a significant career that I juggled working school hours from home, and despite this, the other mums absolutely looked down on me. I had more than one stay at home mother of two or three children ask me to do favors like childcare or school drop offs because they perceived me as having more time. Some even had full-time nannies, while I was "doing it all."

I felt excluded from a lot of conversations, cliques, and eventually, friendships altogether. I felt like a lot of people would make little digs about how they were so happy their children had each other, etc. Every time someone else got pregnant, I absolutely felt more shunned.

No one knew why I only had one child. No one knew if I would have loved another.

I ended up keeping mostly to myself for most of my child's childhood as a result. The only silver lining was that my child eventually got into a sport with most only children, so I felt more understood there.

But yes. I absolutely felt judged and even now, it's still a sore spot.

That's ridiculous. You sound like a really good parent.

I know lots who aren't very good at parenting one and then have another and wonder why they are no good with 2 or 3!

Imonmyway · 05/07/2025 23:52

I remember a colleague telling me "1 is a hobby" I was so annoyed for a long time ( I know she'll.say something this time too as I have 2,but she has 3) my 2 maternity have coincided with her last 2.

But honestly we are all just negotiating and battling different things. We are all mammys and should support each other

mrlistersgelfbride · 05/07/2025 23:54

You may find that as your child gets older they may subconsciously gravitate to making friends with the other only kids.
This had happened to me. There’s a gang of ‘only girls’ in DDs class, they are very happy kids and no one mentioned ‘just having the one’ as we are all in the same boat.

EveInEden · 05/07/2025 23:57

Own your life. Let them own theirs. Never felt like this. If they're snippy, into competitive race to the bottom, bat their choices back to them.

SlightlyTooMuch · 05/07/2025 23:57

HiCandles · 05/07/2025 23:50

Not less of a mother, but a mother having a different experience. I didn't realise how easy it was having just one until I had two. It definitely didn't feel easy at the time. I was exhausted at times. Then with two I found out I could get even more exhausted. Naptimes, making food, clearing up, juggling schedules, everything I fretted over as a first time mum became harder with two opposing sets of needs.
I do look at my friends with one and think why are you making such a fuss, you only have one to sort, you get so much free time with one parent free, but then I remember I was them once too and it's only by going through it having two plus that you can appreciate the experience of one.

Respectfully, so why have another? I had one child because it was obviously going to be easier. I’d rather have an easier time parenting and have more time and resources for the other parts of my life than have multiple children and be able to compete in some form of competitive tiredness Olympics.

Noiamnotalison · 05/07/2025 23:59

Comparison is always the thief of joy.

I have 3 children, my friend has one. I have to say I have never ever judged her as less of a mother. She’s an awesome, fully present, fun mum and friend. Our experiences are sometimes different, sometimes the same, as with almost anything!

if anything I sometimes feel inferior because she is so on top of everything in her child’s life while I am generally always forgetting something, often distracted and feel guilty that I could have done more for each individual child. I would say I definitely have more regrets with my parenting.