To feel ‘less’ of a mother when you have one child

[HelloSunshine100]

Lately I don’t know if I am creating this feeling myself or just noticing things but does anyone else feel like others make you feel less of a parent when you only have one child?
Like the school mums with 3 young kids under five rushing from school run to nursery and carting the baby around etc..almost like they are the ones to really be exhausted and tired and if you have one child it’s awkward to claim your struggling and tired cos you only have one?! Almost like feeling less entitled to the role as parent as you don’t have multiple kids ‘you only have one it must be so easy’ these sorts of comments are widely thrown around…

and you can’t know what it’s like to have 1 because children are all different.

it’s usually best to keep comments to yourself because it’s attitudes like those of posters on this thread saying they’d eye roll that make mums like the OP feel “lesser”.

Nobody should be made to feel like that.

This is so accurate 🤣

I have never heard anyone say that a mum of one child is less of a mother than those with two or more. What a batshit and ludicrous suggestion! Whether you have one, two, three, or ten, you're still a mother!

This is the best comment I have ever read on Mumsnet. Can I give you some kind of voucher or award? I love this concept of parenting being a relationship and not a job. It is a relationship with huge responsibilities and duties, but that subtle definition is very nice to chew on. Cheers!

It's something I heard long ago and it's stuck with me and served me well. Glad it struck a chord in you too.

Oh, I love that too @DarkForces 💛, it really resonates with me.

Agree! 🫡

I felt like the best mother when I had one. I had the time to raise my baby exactly how I wanted and actually enjoyed it. Additional children probably made me feel less of a mother and more like a grumpy, tired, stressed woman putting on a mum act as good as I could to get through the day.

Not at all - I relish the fact that I can’t believe spend all my time on my DS

Yes I do know what it’s like to have 1 child.

i would never say to other mums they are lesser than me for having less children. I would however swiftly change the topic if a mum of 1 tried to chat to me about how tired we both are as if having 1 is the same

Having had two polar opposite babies, I’m not aware that there are easy babies and there are tough ones. I’d rather have two easy ones than one tricky one anyday!

It's not a competition you know. And how very presumptuous and arrogant to assume that someone with one child cannot POSSIBLY be as tired as someone with two. 🙄

My view - you are not less of a mum for having one -

I think women are less of a mum when they are dismissive of their kids, however many, neglectful, selfish e.g. prioritise partners over kids well being, have more kids than they can cope with, afford, care well for - those are the less than - to me

On the whole, someone with one child most likely isn’t more tired than someone with 3 under 5. It’s just common sense

I don’t really judge number of children but looking back to when I only had one I think wtf was I thinking. That was so easy compared to now but everyone’s circumstances r different !

Exactly @PolyVagalNerve - I hope I'm more of a mother to my single DC than my mother managed to be to me and my siblings.

So people can have more than 5 kids and be rubbish parents/mothers

God, some women really will just tear other women down for any reason.
This just sounds like a variant of the women who have sections haven’t given birth properly nonsense.
I bet no men sit and make these observations about other men.

You might work more than other mothers, your child may be harder work or you may have less support.

Everything is relative to everyone.

I have one. Plus a full time job and renovation and health issues and a husband with health issues and no family to help and a very busy child. It's perfectly acceptable to feel tired, even if others make the comparison and judgment that you have it "easier".

I would just distance myself from those that make these unqualified opinions about my life. They sound like idiots and not the type of people I'd consider compatible with friendship.

Enjoy what you have ❤️

Unpopular opinion:

I don’t actually necessarily agree that having 2 kids is harder than 1. I don’t agree having 4 kids is harder than 2.

You might have 3 kids but a loving DH and grandparents to help, financially able to go part time and find that works for you. Then you might have a friend that’s a single parent to 1 child who has SEN, no partner and struggles financially. She might be struggling more than you.

You cannot just say across the board that you won’t listen to a parent saying how tired they are with 1 child, you can’t possibly make it a competition because you are not living in their shoes

Just my opinion :)

Exactly what I just wrote!

I hope you get over feeling like this. Great post by the person saying it's not a competition; maybe your life is easier in some ways but I'll bet it's harder in others... and frankly even if it's not, who cares?

You are a parent.

If people are really judging you based on being ‘less than’ for having one child that is really sad.

I have the one and never felt less than as a mother, but have wondered if I’m depriving him of something on occasion. Though there are so many upsides too!

Son is now 5, Our NCT group bar me and one other are all on 2nd children plus now.
I was worried about school wondering if he’d be the only one without siblings. But there’s quite a few ‘one and done’ mums, and we tend to be a slightly older crew.

I think it’s becoming more and more common to only have one child, as seen by the falling birth rates!
For me it was about, my age (almost 40 now) and being able to afford to give him the very best opportunities. I also think it’s about not feeling split in my focus and being able to give him all the attention and focus without having to balance the needs of other children.
I experience enough working mum guilt now, without that being amplified by splitting focus.

Anyway you do what’s right for your family, if people judge it’s on them, but it certainly doesn’t make you less of a mother!

I'm sceptical of this. My first baby was so, so hard. My second baby is a piece of cake. I would absolutely, without any shadow of a doubt, have found two of her easier going and less exhausting than one of him (as babies - he's mellowed with age!).

So yes - it really does depend on the baby! More babies doesn't automatically mean harder and more tiring.

Not in my opinion. Yes, more children bring more ‘tasks’, but I find that so much easier than having to entertain a child. I’d much rather be making more food, doing more washing, driving around more, etc, than having to play imaginative games, or play fighting etc. I take my hat off to anyone with one child. It is tough!!