To feel ‘less’ of a mother when you have one child

[HelloSunshine100]

Lately I don’t know if I am creating this feeling myself or just noticing things but does anyone else feel like others make you feel less of a parent when you only have one child?
Like the school mums with 3 young kids under five rushing from school run to nursery and carting the baby around etc..almost like they are the ones to really be exhausted and tired and if you have one child it’s awkward to claim your struggling and tired cos you only have one?! Almost like feeling less entitled to the role as parent as you don’t have multiple kids ‘you only have one it must be so easy’ these sorts of comments are widely thrown around…

All only children I know have turned out to be confident well adjusted and successful apart from one

Basically all the people I know who’ve had problems adjusting to adult life - and they’re now not working or have problems in work or lonely as can’t make relationships etc are apart from one people with siblings - this is no doubt because people with sibs are more numerous in the population in my generation not cos theres anything wrong with having more than one child but still this Still goes against the negative only child stereotype. Truth is. Vast majority of onlies are strong, well adjusted and confident 🙌

Sorry I know my above post wasn’t really the point of the thread but it’s food for thought

I have 3. Do I think having 1 makes you or anyone else less of a mother? Of course not. I don't find it particularly challenging on any given day as dh is an equal parent so neither the mental or physical load is all on me. Am I frazzled on occasion, absolutely yes but in general I embrace the ruckus created by my 3, try my best and just roll with it. There is more 'work' with 3 than 1 but so what? It was the choice I made so for me I don't give anyone else's situation much thought (as it doesn't change mine).

You've got to get better at not taking other people's comments to heart. Often, people aren't trying to be hurtful, just musing their own situation out loud whilst not necessarily thinking about yours.

Our value is not measured by the number of children we have and you are no more or less of a mother than anyone else.

I know what you mean and I have friends/acquaintances who are openly judgemental about people who choose to have one child, but I look at them and honestly pity how fucking hard it all looks. One friend is regularly in tears because she’s struggling with 2 small children (no judgement on any of that, I cry over my one child being a nightmare). She’s a wonderful mum, but I don’t feel like less of a mum than her. I just feel like I’ve chosen to stick with what I know I can cope with.

No, get a grip. How can someone be more or less a mother? That's pretty insulting to your child too.

Ha. Depends on the kids you have. 2 of my eldest would have been easier than 1 of my youngest, but actually the two together works really well, they entertain each other fabulously.

My mates got four of the easiest kids ever. She's super chilled.

Definitely don't feel like less of a mother only having one but I can empathise with feelings of inadequacy. I occasionally see bigger families/friends pregnant with their 2nd and slightly wish I could envisage it for us, but I just can't imagine enjoying it and sometimes we already feel at our limit with one!

I have a four year age gap between my two and I must confess I felt the same when I just had my first. I have no idea whether it was something internal or whether I was picking up on how others felt. There is no reason or logic to it at all and I absolutely don't consciously believe that mothers of one are are any less of a mother, but it was a weird sense of self I had then.

Why on earth do they judge people who choose to have only child

Yes it is insulting to the child. It angers me

Someone told me I wasn’t as maternal as her because I had less children than her. The comment really hurt but then I realised it was just a stupid comment.

I actually don't feel like that. I do occasionally come across people who seem to judge me for stopping at one, but they're idiots so I don't pay much attention. Motherhood is bloody hard work, regardless of how many you have. I think I find it a lot harder than some other women, which is why I stopped at one.

I do think having two or more very small children (say 2 under 3, or 3 under 5) is incredibly hard work and while I see the benefit of your children having a playmate a similar age, I also saw all my friends in that situation almost lose their minds with exhaustion and stress. That's definitely harder than having one. But I didn't fancy having that life, so I didn't choose to. That doesn't make me less of a mum, I just know my limits.

I’m shocked and disgusted by this but sadly I can sort of relate to it

the worst part you mention are the sludges that kids have each other - I had this as the only only child in my group of peers - they all went round the group saying

“I like Helen” (their sister) and I like Peter ;brother) and then slyly - “oh look MuchTerraine doesn’t like anyone!”

very hurtful

imagine if you’d said “well at least my child is independent and not attached to their siblings coat tails!” Would love to see their faces!

I don't think that I'm any less of a mum, no, but I do accept that because I've "only" been pregnant once and have one child then I can not contribute much when it comes to conversations around births being different, sibling logistics, travel arrangements etc because I don't have any experiences of it so I am inevitably left out of these conversations sometimes with (factual) comments along the lines of "you wouldn't know as you only have one" which does sometimes hurt, but that's on me.

I now live abroad and have been asked a lot more often outright why we only have one child and if we are having another whereas I found people in my area of London were less obviously nosey as to why we only had one, and/or knew that we only had one because I had chemotherapy when my son was a baby which led to an early menopause so it isn't a "lifestyle" choice to only have one, even though most of the time we have made peace with it.

I haven't seen this as a widespread attitude. I think it might be more that some people seem to thrive off a certain competitive tiredness/busyness.

We had a couple of friends like this - before we had kids and they had one they told us how we just wouldn't understand xyz until we had them (ouch as we'd been having fertility problems for a while!). Then we had our first and thought that line of conversation might peter out a bit, but no - they then had their next, and again, we simply couldn't imagine how much more complicated/tiring etc. things were with two...

I think it's a general personality trait - some people are like this with work. Things are always "manically busy" for them and they need to tell you about it rather than just getting on with it!

(Side note - I do actually like people, contrary to what the above might suggest 😅)

Absolutely not. My DD was a very difficult child and I was exhausted bringing her up, so much so that it put me off having more children. She's 13 now and although her behaviour is much better, I've now got the teenage attitude to contend with. Anyone who says it must be easier with one child is deluded!

This!

what you describe OP sounds like hell on earth….. why would you want that?!

one and done thanks.

IME when people with multiples spout shite like “you don’t know what hard is” yadda yadda it comes from a place of green eyed envy. That’s a them problem OP.

I have 3 under 5. I don’t feel like any parent is less of a parent than each other. Once you have a baby you are a parent always!!

but I would want to hollow laugh at a parent of 1 thing to chat to me about being tired. I wouldn’t be rude in my reaction but seriously it’s not reading the room on their part.

Or you could feel pleased with yourself that you know you are doing a good job with the one you have. I have 2 and for the last 18 months/ 2 years I have had to have loads off input into helping the eldest establish his career/ pass his driving test/ move out/ buy a house so I said to the youngest I’m really busy with your brother at the moment plus work plus the business I run so you need to just get on with it.
There are specific reasons why I was helping with each of the things.
Once the house purchase has gone through then i need to go back to focusing on the younger one as he is trying to get into an incredibly competitive course at uni. So even as teens they take up huge amounts of my time. I could do a better job with one. (I love my 2 but you see my point). The less children you have the more you can give them.

No it’s not envy in my case. I’m not jealous of those with less children than me (otherwise I would have stopped at one child or not have children). It’s genuinely a you don’t know what it’s like to have 2/3/4/5 kids because that person cannot know.

I don't feel inadequate or less of a mother but I definitely know that I have it comparatively easy. I have one very well behaved and delightful ten year old and this just is objectively loads easier than more or having one with a more challenging personality. It's totally possible he'll be the world's worst teen or whatever - he was an absolute nightmare as a small baby!

I'd have loved more and it didn't work out and I totally reserve the right to (secretly, in my head) enjoy the up side to the sadness of infertility.

Disagree

I've had multiple people especially family comment on how easy it is with one

In general, caring for one child is easier than two or more. That's just common sense

But you're still a parent, whatever the size of the family

Some people just like to be competitive

It doesn't make you less of a mother at all. However, I've got 4 children, 2 with ASD who can be challenging. It is more of a juggle for me to manage everyone in the household than if we just had the one child. I'm not trying to get one over on anyone who has one child, it's just fact. There are other factors that could make parenting more difficult for someone with one, but the more kids you have, the more work you have to do.