To be fuming OH didn't change baby's nappy ONCE while I was out??

[Grantoffs]

Went out for the afternoon, first proper time to myself in god knows how long. Was out 1 til just after 7. OH had DS (9mo) all day, I’d prepped everything. Nappies, wipes, food, spare clothes. Told him when baby last ate and had a change etc.

Come home and DS STINKS. Like full on knock-you-over smell. Changed him straight away and his poor bum is bright red, even had a bit of rash coming up. 😩 He’d 100% pooed ages ago and been sat in it. I asked OH when he last changed him and he just SHRUGGED and said “I didn’t think he needed one??” then started mumbling something about him napping so he didn’t wanna disturb him.

Mate. You’ve had him SIX HOURS. You didn’t once think to just check his nappy??? DS always poos after lunch, it’s not some mystery. He was up and about, playing, eating, not exactly zonked out the whole time.

I’m honestly so angry. DS was crying while I cleaned him up, obviously sore. He’s never been left like that with me, I check him constantly. OH acted like I was overreacting and said “it’s just one nappy.” Yeah and now DS is miserable and can’t settle for bed.

Also he didn’t give him the food I left – gave him half a banana and some crisps?? Said he didn’t want to make a mess with the proper food 🙄

Feel like I can’t trust him to do the basics. He’s not a babysitter ffs he’s his DAD. And I know if it was me that left DS in a dirty nappy all day everyone would call me neglectful.

AIBU to be this annoyed?? Or should I just chalk it up to him being clueless and try not to blow it up? Dunno if it’s me being hormonal or what. Just feel really let down.

Why do posters keep telling her to go to her mum’s? Her mum has made it clear doesn’t want OP+ baby at her place.

If you’d come back to find your partner crying and not having been able to go for a pee, new nappy on upside down and the only clean clothes left being a wedding outfit or something, toys all over the place, that would be a case for coaching and teaching.

Coming back to find the baby being ignored while he calmly watches screens? That’s neglect.

www.gov.uk/childcare-grant

www.ucas.com/applying/applying-university/individual-needs/students-parenting-responsibilities

I'm sorry your own mum won't help you, sounds like despite that you are an incredible young mum (not easy). I don't have any answers but I really hope there is some way you can leave useless partner and still go to uni.

Fuck that. He needs kicked out.

As awful as this is, OP, if your partner wasn’t ever going to be able to step up to being a good parent, or even a passable one, then it’s good you’ve reached the crux of it now and hopefully leave him, with an incident that has left your little boy relatively unscathed. His life will better without such a useless excuse for a father, and without having to grow up watching his parents having such a toxic, unhealthy relationship.

My DH took 6 months parental leave and had sole care of our twins from 6-12 months, for 10hrs a day, 5 days a week. That’s a dad.

I agree with this approach. Give him the opportunity to learn hands on.

To be honest I am disappointed in this young man. I am a new Granny but long time great aunt. I find that this generation of dads seem so good at doing baby stuff compared to 30 years ago. I thought it had a lot to do with paternity leave so they got stuck in straight away. Back in my day Dads went straight back to work. My DH was a school teacher so he could not even take annual leave.

An example of the difference in competence is the other day I was babysitting my 6 month grandson. His Dad came back after 5 hours to take over. I noticed that he immediately changed the nappy - I had done it once and it was not a code brown. Compare this to my DH who was left with grandson for one hour, he knows that baby is too young for screen time - he immediately put on tv and found a cartoon “on steroids” because he thought he “was going to cry”. I was so cross with him.

So maybe there are still young fathers around who refuse to learn how to care for their children. I am not sure if to be sad, frustrated or angry on behalf of the OP.

Of course she should still get to Uni. This is the opportunity for her to be clear with Dad. She needs to say that she can only go to Uni if he raises his game. He has agreed to cover lectures - but he also needs to be taking care of baby when assignments are being written and exams are coming up ( I have 3 degrees so know about student life). You cannot study and care for a toddler. She needs to use the last couple of months to teach him how to take care of baby. Show him basics and go out for an hour. Leave him to get lunch ready ( clearing up after is included), get him to get baby dressed in the morning.

if he is not willing to step up - then defer university for another year. A year is not actually a long time and gives you time to sort out your life so you find a carer who is taking their role seriously.

i wish I could do more for the OP.

Oh OP. You’re so young but you’re doing an incredible job with your little baby. I don’t know what to advise you really, I never really left mine with DH but he definitely knew when to change a nappy.

My heart goes out to you! You’re so young and you’re lovely!
I wish I could help you somehow, if I was local to you, I’d babysit your little boy. 💝

Can I just say OP you sound like a very clever and kind young woman and a great mum xxx

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's bloody hard with a good support network and time for yourself, let alone without. You sound like a really caring and loving mum.

It is great to hear you have a uni place - that's amazing and you do deserve to go. Other posters have sent links to benefit and childcare support options while studying. You could also contact your university and talk through options. Sometimes you can defer your start date or have a gap in learning too - although this wouldn't be the preferred option, you may want to discuss it with them so you have an idea of all options available to you.

It doesn't sound like you get much of a break at all.

Do you have any other support? Mum's group? Access to a children's centre? There's a charity called Home Start that might be worth a look and you can contact them yourself, or often the children's centre or HV can refer you if you ask. Also GPs often have a social prescribing service that can link you into relevant support. Any extra support might help while you consider your options and what is best for you both.

Hey OP!

This behaviour isn't normal. Leave. He isn't going to change. You'll get yourself sorted in time for university.

I also had my DS at 21 and then went back to university at 22. I was on my own and like you, was devastated as we all want things to work out! Honestly though, it'll be easier on your own. I do recommend trying your best to get your mum on side, if she's a relatively normal human, she will want to help her daughter, and her grandchild! It can be hard, I know. I also had a veeeeery up and down mother but we have a beautiful relationship now.

I'm now 30, have another DC and a wonderful, hands on husband. You can do it. Be strong and make that change.

P.S. My first child's father is now 31, has not changed, still eats total shite and lives at home (where he went when things first broke down). Trust me, leave.

He is an idiot.
I would go to war with him. You have one baby, you don’t need a man size toddler too.

Just copied in your post to ask a question, OP - does your OH work? I ask because you suggest he'd be doing nursery drop-offs, etc.

I’m so, so sorry OP. That is unforgivable. Take your time to decide your next move. It might be worth talking to your uni to see if there is any support or advice they can give you as a single parent.

I’d be ashamed of him! Dreadful and zero excuse.

I’d be seriously considering a relationship with some one so awful.

How can she kick him out? It's his father's property!

The age of him is slightly irrelevant, some have latched onto the fact that he is only 22. Op is 21 and sounds a brilliant mum, yes boys mature later however I have good friends that had their children early, and both parents were fully hands on and didn’t need notes and demonstrations.
When I go out for for a couple of hours in afternoon/evening and have left my teenager at home to look after the dogs, I haven’t come home to 💩 everywhere and them crying for their tea…..
Bare minimum he has let them out in the garden, picked up after them. Fed them their food (all on different requirements) put medication in one of their bowls. Picked up their bowls and left them on the side. If a 14 year old can do some basic caregiving for pets this man should be able to do basic caregiving for his own child ie changing a nappy, warming up a meal and feeding the poor mite and taking him for a stroll in his pram.

My dp wanted to be a father. He was 22 and he was and still is an amazing dad

Thanks to everyone who said to talk to the uni. I hadn’t even thought of that but I’m going to get in touch with them this week. I haven’t started yet but I’ve got my place confirmed and they know I’ve got DS so maybe they can help with childcare or even housing if things go that way.

Housing’s tricky though. I haven’t signed a proper lease or anything. It’s his dad’s house, one of a few he rents out, and we just pay him directly. It’s not in my name and I guess technically I could be asked to leave if it all goes wrong.

To the people saying he probably wouldn’t be interested in contact if we split, I really hope that would be true but I honestly think he’d try just to spite me. He’s said before that if I ever left he’d go for “full weekends” and all that. His dad’s got money too so he could probably afford a proper solicitor and make it difficult even if he’s not doing it because he actually wants to parent. That’s one of the things that’s got me so stuck.

I spoke to him properly last night. Tried to stay calm. He got defensive straight away and said he had played with DS, and when he got grumpy he put him in the bouncer. I asked why he didn’t change him and he said he didn’t think it was “that bad.” Then said he wasn’t sure what DS was allowed to eat and didn’t want to get it wrong, even though I’d prepped the food and labelled it.

DS was really unsettled through the night. I asked OH to get up with him once and he did, but came back in holding him while DS was crying and goes “see he doesn’t want me” and kept trying to pass him over. I told him to just try settling him and he did eventually manage it, but it was all “woe is me” like he was the victim in it. Then this morning he was saying how tired he is and I just thought, you’re never too tired to stay up gaming until 2am.

He’s asked me not to tell his dad or stepmum. I haven’t, but to be honest I don’t even think they’d care. From what he’s told me, his dad didn’t really do any parenting himself. Just bought him stuff and left the rest to his stepmum.

As for how he is with DS in general, it’s me who does it all. He only does anything if I spell it out for him. I’ll say “give him a bottle at 3” or “put a clean vest on before bed” and he’ll do it, but it’s like he needs a list. Even with bottles, he won’t make one unless I tell him exactly when and how. I’ve shown him multiple times how to do it, told him how many scoops and what temp the water should be. He still acts unsure. He’ll ask “does he want a bottle?” even if it’s obvious he’s hungry and it’s the usual time. He just never takes the initiative. And now after yesterday I can’t help but think he’s not even trying.

How’s the relationship generally? How is he in terms of work and so on?

If he's asked you not to tell his parents, he knows he's done something wrong.

I suppose the next conversation needs to be, you know this was actually neglectful, right? Not just a bit lazy but Grant will fix it when she gets home. It was neglect.

And so, does he want to be a shitty, lazy, neglectful dad, or a decent one?

If a decent one, then he needs to spell out how he's going to step the fuck up and do the thinking, never mind being told what to do and doing it badly. He needs to take responsibility for his son.

I doubt he will, but for your own info I think you need to have the conversation and then actually document it.

And I would tell his parents, as well as the GP, the uni and anyone else that keeps records.

You are your baby's safety and foundation, and you need some support. This internet stranger is rooting for you both.

If he’s constantly defensive at being pulled up over what he’s done - or not done - it may be more constructive to say that whatever has happened is in the past, but that moving forward there are a few things he needs to properly understand:

1. Baby has 2 parents with equal responsibility for him.
2. It’s not babysitting when it’s his own child, it’s parenting
3. It’s his job to make sure he is as competent as you at meeting the baby’s needs, whether that’s identifying when to change a nappy, how to make a bottle up or what food to give him: you’re also a first time parent and had to actively learn what to do. It’s not written into female DNA.
4. Somewhat tongue in cheek, but suggest there is nothing more sexually attractive than a capable man who shows he’s a true partner. Failing to meet that bar gives a lot of women the ick.
5. Remind him that if the baby was a new game he’d be putting in hours working out how to level up and exploring side quests. He has 18 years of levelling up, earning points and side quests available right there in front of him and the reward at the end is a decent, functioning adult who loves and respects him. By failing at basic care, he’s not just neglecting the baby, he’s also ensuring that his relationship with his child is going to be harmed if he doesn’t step up and improve. Just because the baby wasn’t planned doesn’t mean he can avoid his responsibilities.

While our son was very much planned and wanted, I can recall one time when he was around 7mo that I had to go and meet with a client a couple of hours away by train. I left DS with DH, happy in the knowledge he would be well cared for. Which he was, sort of. I came back to find DS still in his onesie, but with the bottom half off where nappies had clearly been changed, and discovered that he’d had his bottles and eaten toast and marmite. And DH was happy because he’d still managed to get some work done.

Thankfully, because of the set-up we had at the time, DS had plenty of enrichment from other people and wasn’t solely reliant on DH, but we had a version of the conversation I’ve outlined above because the least he could have done was dress him and give him more than fucking toast. He tried the “you’re just better at this kind of thing” and got a “well why do you think that is? Because I read books and learned from DS as well. I don’t just know this stuff by osmosis.” It is the one and only time I had to have that discussion with him.

So does your DP want to level up or remain a noob? That’s the question.