To be fuming OH didn't change baby's nappy ONCE while I was out??

[Grantoffs]

Went out for the afternoon, first proper time to myself in god knows how long. Was out 1 til just after 7. OH had DS (9mo) all day, I’d prepped everything. Nappies, wipes, food, spare clothes. Told him when baby last ate and had a change etc.

Come home and DS STINKS. Like full on knock-you-over smell. Changed him straight away and his poor bum is bright red, even had a bit of rash coming up. 😩 He’d 100% pooed ages ago and been sat in it. I asked OH when he last changed him and he just SHRUGGED and said “I didn’t think he needed one??” then started mumbling something about him napping so he didn’t wanna disturb him.

Mate. You’ve had him SIX HOURS. You didn’t once think to just check his nappy??? DS always poos after lunch, it’s not some mystery. He was up and about, playing, eating, not exactly zonked out the whole time.

I’m honestly so angry. DS was crying while I cleaned him up, obviously sore. He’s never been left like that with me, I check him constantly. OH acted like I was overreacting and said “it’s just one nappy.” Yeah and now DS is miserable and can’t settle for bed.

Also he didn’t give him the food I left – gave him half a banana and some crisps?? Said he didn’t want to make a mess with the proper food 🙄

Feel like I can’t trust him to do the basics. He’s not a babysitter ffs he’s his DAD. And I know if it was me that left DS in a dirty nappy all day everyone would call me neglectful.

AIBU to be this annoyed?? Or should I just chalk it up to him being clueless and try not to blow it up? Dunno if it’s me being hormonal or what. Just feel really let down.

Not unreasonable I'd be so angry and find it hard to get over.
How did he not smell it and realise did he not hold him at all all day? Jesus the poor wee soul.

Absolute crap.

If he's bothered to glance in his child's directuon in the past nine months he'd have picked up some level of idea about what his child needs.

He is solely responsible for this.

Weaponised incompetence. He thinks you won’t go out again now. It’s control and he hasn’t minded harming his son to achieve what he wants.
At the very least, you need to tell him what’s what. That you will not accept his negligence or control. That he is a father and needs to start acting like one. Because if you are made to feel like a single parent you may as well be one.

Firstly, you sound like a brilliant mum OP. You sound so caring and competent and like you’re doing everything you can for a great life for your DS.

Your waste of space lazy partner however is awful. How could he just sit there playing games all day literally neglecting his baby son. The fact he let him sit in a nappy he’d pooed in for however long is just disgusting. And fed him crisps instead of the already prepared meal to avoid mess. Just awful. Whether he did this to act incompetent so you don’t go out again, or whether he really is this useless, both scenarios are horrid. With the latter maybe there’s a slight chance he’d be willing to learn if he realised how awful he’s been. With the acting incompetent scenario there’s no chance he’d change as he’s purely a selfish, self centred piece of shit who would knowingly physically and emotionally neglect his own baby to manipulate you.

I don’t know the practicalities of housing and whatnot, but contact the council regarding housing. Let it be very clear you’re trying to get away from someone who neglects your child. And yes, take your DS to the doctor, purely to have this neglect on record. It’s great you’re starting uni and despite there next few years being tough, you’ll be able to build a brilliant life for you and your son.

I know you are worried about him having access to DS if you split, but would he actually want that? Doesn’t sound like he could be bothered with more than an hours visit here and there (unless he would just to spite you).

Sorry, this ended up really long! But wishing you all the best OP.

You need to plan to leave. This man will destroy you and your child. Start planning now, I suspect uni might need to be deferred a year. I don’t think OH will go for custody he clearly doesn’t want to be around his son.

OP. Id be questioning my relationship if I had to prep anything before leaving.

My dp can be an untidy bugger but from the get go with both our DC were left with him without me needing to prep a thing. He was only 22 when our first DC was born as well. Not that that should change anything.

He sounds like a complete waste of space

Awful man. My ex husband did similar😡. Made me hate him. He only did what he wanted to do . So selfish !

I would sit down with P and a notebook and go through with him all DS needs in one day, including things like take pot out of fridge, microwave 2 mins etc.

I would make it plain that while you've done everything so far he is now going to start taking turns since the baby is his too.

Start this now. Treat it as if you were coaching someone with no idea so that they can take on the job. That's essentially what he needs.

Then go out for a couple of hours.

He’s been deliberately incompetent to teach you not to leave him with the baby again because he views looking after children as womens work.

How you deal with that is up to you. I divorced my useless husband and it was much easier without an extra large toddler in the house creating mess for me to clean up. These stupid men then wonder why you resent them, don’t want to have sex with them and eventually just despise them. But mostly they are bothered about lack of sex and withdrawal of services that benefit them.

this isnt incompetence, it’s abuse! He KNEW the baby was sitting in a dirty nappy, he KNEW the baby was crying because of it. He doesn’t need educating or guiding. He’s abusive, neglectful and controlling. It will only get worse from here. Let’s stop telling OP it’s her job to teach him.

Well, you'll know not to go out and leave your baby with its father again, won't you? Job done.

I can’t believe the posters telling the OP to teach this useless man the basics of looking after his child. Sit down with him and write notes? Put on a presentation about how the baby crying = something’s wrong and he needs changed/fed/a nap/a cuddle? Remind him that babies need to eat too, just like he does? Come on. This is ludicrous.

I think people are looking for a reason for this when the real reason is far clearer - your man wanted to game, eat a takeaway and felt that was more important than the pain in the arse he was looking after. His dismissive attitude towards the OP and the lack of guilt/shame tells you everything.

I think I would genuinely despise my husband if he done this, it would be game over for me.

I’d leave him for this. He neglected him and didn’t care one bit that he’d done so. Imagine if you weren’t there and he was sole carer - he’d be done for neglect. You don’t want to be saddled with someone like that.

So OP is either tied to the house or must take her baby with her everywhere she goes until her child is old enough to fend for themselves and her abusive, neglectful prick of a partner can just carry on his merry way ignoring his child to the point of child abuse?

If she wants to lead any sort of normal life she will need to pay for childcare so she can study and work as the baby's dad cannot be trusted. In that case, she would be better off on her own.

I’m sorry your much needed time out was spoiled by this man child. I would be as angry as you as it just shows complete lack of care and even when picked up on it no real engagement or interest. The first few years are tough and you need to be operating as a team. I think all you can do is talk to him at a time when you are both relaxed and see what he says. If he won’t engage then I really think you have to make some tough decisions. Dont worry about any ‘I told you so’ from others, doesn’t matter, you need to move forward. The extensive gaming and limited personal hygiene does not suggest he’s a winner at this point. You’ve got plans re uni etc, you’re young and you can make this happen. I was in my early 30s when I met my DH. I didn’t think twice when I left our DD with him, 100% knew he’d take care of her well. I just mean, maybe this relationship isn’t the one for you, things can be much much better. You have a beautiful DS out of it and have much to look forward to. Good luck.

It’s easier being a single parent.

In your situation, I’d present myself as homeless to the local council and try to get housing. I’d also speak to university about how they can help re childcare when you’re in lectures.
You have to leave him - he’s an utter waste of space.

This isn't about practice. He is a neglectful parent. It's fucking abusive whatever way you look at it and absolutely shocking.

Honestly OP you are better off without him, so if your child! I honestly would be out that door with my child and telling everyone exactly why, including social services.

Oh op your last post upset me. Been there done that. Got divorced and was so much happier knowing my dc weren’t at risk of being neglected when I was at work. Honestly your partner sounds exactly like one of those ‘ I forgot I left the baby in the car on a hot day’ dads.

This 💯. YANBU with bells on!
I'm fuming on your behalf 😤

This was neglect and would be the end of the relationship for me. I can't believe the posters saying you have to write him notes/teach him. Your partner knew the nappy was dirty and didn't change him. He knew the child was hungry and didn't properly feed him.He knew he was ignoring the baby while he watched TV.

You shouldn't have had to prep anything. A quick handover of when last fed/given milk/changed is all that should have been required.

You child needs protected from this man. You both deserve so much more.

I just meant that there is no excuse to leave a baby in a dirty nappy. I also had an unplanned pregnancy and my dh is also a gamer, but when our baby did a poo he sorted it out, and at around 5pm every day he knew to give him dinner. Being 22 and not ready for fatherhood and wanting to game all day doesn't make child neglect any more understandable.

I do agree with all other advice to look into council housing and figure out university/childcare. You sound like a really good mum op.x

OP, I think it is sensible to take the baby to a medical practitioner to things documented and move in with your mum. Please do not leave your baby in his care again. Parenting is a learning curve and we can all make mistakes but this unacceptable. What he has done is child abuse.

He’s a 22 gamer who didn’t want a baby so you clearly can’t leave DS with him. Your mother doesn’t want a baby either and that’s fair enough as she’s had her kids. So you need to find your own place & find a job to fund it.

www.ucas.com/money-and-student-life/money/student-finance/student-finance-england/dependants-grants-full-time-students#:~:text=You%20can%20apply%20for%20help,weekly%20costs%20(whichever%20is%20less)