Commenting on someone’s weight

[BlueNell]

I was chatting with DH yesterday and in the course of the conversation he remarked that he looked fat. I didn’t say anything in response at which point he said ‘you’re not denying it then?’, so I responded with ‘well you are fat’.

For context he’s a size 4XL with a BMI >40. So what was I supposed to say? He was upset with me agreeing he looks fat, but he is fat. We both have eyes, he must know he is fat, so why would I say he doesn’t look fat when he is? He says I didn’t have to agree so readily.

I would never be deliberately unkind but I don’t see why I should have to lie and say someone doesn’t look fat when they quite clearly are just to spare their feelings.

He is fat. Its not cruel to say so.
It would becruel to say youre a fat bastard and you stink of swest and shit.

Im fat as fuck. You can't expect people to disregard reality to spare your feelings.

If it hurts your feelings so much to face reality then maybe its time to put the fucking fork down.

Sounds like he was fishing for a compliment and for you to say no he isn't fat. You didn't respond and he pushed the question further. Maybe he wants help to lose a bit of weight. Ask him. Nothing wrong with a bit of honesty in a marriage.

He should order Manjaro. I’ve had great results.

If this was the other way around, we would all be hyping the woman up and berating the man for being so insensitive. There probably was a nicer response.

I suspect your tone was probably quite blunt and could've come across as hurtful. I doubt he was asking you for an honest evaluation of his fat percentage, more reassurance that you find him attractive.

Im with you OP. I think its better to be honest than lie, especially when it comes to someones weight as it can be potentially life threatening to be overweight. DH is overweight and if we are having a conversation about it then no I wouldnt lie. I wouldnt bring it up and make him feel bad about it, but you didnt do that either if your DH is the one bringing it up. I want DH to lose weight for himself and our DCs so he has a full healthy life with them, to be so overweight isnt good for your health. I would encourage someone overweight to try and be healthier, to lie and act like theres no issue is wrong imo because they're less likely to change.

Oh no I can see how that would be a hurtful response for your husband to hear. It’s clear that honesty is really important to you. I used to be ‘brutally honest’ but as the years have gone by I’ve come to think that things should be both true and kind to be said especially to those who we are closest to, because they are most likely to be more severely hurt if we are a bit too harsh.

I am overweight and when I make comments like this to my husband the response I’m looking for is ‘I love you just the way you are’. If I also say I want to go on a diet or do more exercise I’m also looking for him to say something supportive like ‘It’ll do the whole family a lot of good’ and for us to agree together any particular changes.

I hope you make up soon.

Weight is a minefield! I topped 13 stone at the beginning of the year and I knew I was fat but DH would never agree, he would say you look lovely or some such platitude. He knew I was overweight as much as I did but didn’t want to upset me!

I’ve lost more than 2 and a half stone and DH does say I look nice and he can see I’ve lost weight but him commenting too positively makes me think he hated how I looked before and as a life long yoyo dieter, I’m very aware if I’m not careful the weight will go back on. It is so hard, I think the best thing is not to seek comments from others, especially our loved ones.

Geez chill! You’ll die alone if for every little thing you leave

Tell him that youre extremely sorry that you said he was fat. You should have said that he was voluptuous, curvy and bootilicious.

You could've said I love you just as you are but shall we work towards getting a bit healthier and fitter?

Did you misread the OP (as I did initially) and think the OP's DH called her fat?

If he's got a BMI of over 40 then he's morbidly obese - which will take years off his life expectancy and cause early ill health & disability. I'm shocked than someone who is morbidly obese is still in denial about their weight and hoping their partner will pretend they are healthy - sadly he's very unhealthy. That's not a moral judgement, just a statement of fact. You wouldn't sugar coat the facts to someone smoking 20 a day - why are we expected to pretend that obesity doesn't matter?

Don’t be so blunt - you are in control of that🤷🏻‍♀️

Fat does have a lot of negative connotations which is a shame as it should just be a description really. I don't think you should have lied, I wonder if rephrasing like "well you're not petite darling" or "maybe not fat but definitely a big bloke" would have felt more comfortable for him.
Equally, maybe for his health its better to lay it out straight. We hear a lot of "bmi is nonsense" and "the average size is xyz" and sometimes people get deluded into thinking they're not obese or its not that bad. A bmi over 40 is very obese, unhealthily so and maybe he needs to hear it and accept it. My bmi a while ago crept over 30 and I realised I'd not be around to see my grandkids if I didn't change it (was still a size 14 and technically smaller that the UK average as theyre always saying its a 16, so i had told myself it was ok, it wasn't), plus I didn't like feeling unfit - so I lost weight and exercised more and now it's not.

If he doesn't like it, he can change it can't he! His weight is his issue, not what word you use to describe it unfortunately. As someone else said, maybe use this as a step to give some encouragement and help him make some healthy changes.

Please tell us you're joking.

I agree with this. You can be honest without being wounding.

My DH is overweight. I say he’s gorgeous to me at any weight, because he is. He’s my big strong man and my cuddly teddy bear. As he gets older I do express concern for his health when the subject comes up. I have never ever said he was fat. He knows he is.

I read this as sarcasm?

I think it's wording - we are allowed to use pejorative words about ourselves but not other people.

I think of you'd said well you are a bit overweight then you might have had a different reaction.

It's the effect that loaded words can have.

MN posters would get hugely angry if any (female) poster here said that her H called her fat. No matter what her BMI was. So lots of hypocrisy here in the process of 'supporting' OP.

I don't understand someone with BMI-40 thinking they would not be viewed as fat by everyone, tbf.

No we all wouldn’t.

Someone pushing for an answer from a remark they made and then not liking what was said is a them problem regardless of gender.

She chose not to say anything to his remark and instead of dropping it or accepting her silence, he chose to ask anyway with a question where she couldn’t say anything that he likely would have liked even if she gave him placating remarks with it.

Why is he a hypocrite?

As a partner to my DH it’s my duty to look after myself to the best of my ability so that when older we can enjoy ourselves and he won’t be my carer.

This is what I expect of him too. So, if my DP was overweight or smoked, or unfit, I’d be telling him.

If course, anyone can get ill and I’d be there for him willingly. But a lot of it is within our control.

Sorry but this actually really did make me laugh out loud! 🤣🤣🤣

YANBU OP.

You didn't 'agree readily', you said nothing at first.

They’re such hypocrites though. He wanted you to say ‘you’re not’ but he literally is! AND if you had said something like ‘you’re lovely, I fancy you’ which is diplomatic without lying he would have just argued with you I’m sure. Makes me laugh, they let themselves get fat and most women are still loyal but oh boy if you dare to put on weight they’re all over only fans or another woman. I hate them.