Commenting on someone’s weight

[BlueNell]

I was chatting with DH yesterday and in the course of the conversation he remarked that he looked fat. I didn’t say anything in response at which point he said ‘you’re not denying it then?’, so I responded with ‘well you are fat’.

For context he’s a size 4XL with a BMI >40. So what was I supposed to say? He was upset with me agreeing he looks fat, but he is fat. We both have eyes, he must know he is fat, so why would I say he doesn’t look fat when he is? He says I didn’t have to agree so readily.

I would never be deliberately unkind but I don’t see why I should have to lie and say someone doesn’t look fat when they quite clearly are just to spare their feelings.

Speak for yourself.

I've got very little time for those who deliberately set something like this up, and then get arsey when the person refuses to lie to them.

I think there are more tactful responses. I'd have gone with "Does your weight bother you?" maybe to gauge where he was at, as he was opening up the conversation for a reason. I'd have said that he'd probably feel better and healthier if he lost weight, but would have tried to avoid discussing what he looked like, as that would never end well.

Your DH sounds like mine, in 4XL clothes, BMI of 45, morbidly obese.
I don't mention his weight because it's understandably a sensitive issue (I know because I too have had weight issues my whole life, so I do understand) yet he too is very sensitive, looks for reassurance all the time, says he'll lose weight but never does.
I tried the softly softly approach for the first 3 years & hoped boosting his confidence & his self esteem (along with encouraging healthier eating & being more active) would help put him in a better mental space to lose the weight he needs to, but all it seemed to do was play in to his denial & he actually put on 3 stone!
I know it's not that simple but as some PP have suggested telling him I 'love him as he is' would be a lie sadly because I am fast losing respect & am sick of it negatively affecting every area of our relationship.
Someone who need 4XL clothing is not 'a bit cuddly' or a couple of stone overweight, it's significant & chances are it's negatively affecting areas of your relationship too OP so No I don't think you were BU to, when pushed, be honest with him.

I call my husband "fatty" all the time because he is and he knows he is but I'm always telling him how handsome he is. He calls me fatty too, (im not) it's just banter with us and he is trying to do something about his weight.

He is morbidly obese. He knows he is very overweight and he knows this is bad for his health.

Fat was used as a cruel taunt in school - it’s such a loaded word and for many it brings up a lot of emotions. I would never call someone ‘fat’.

could you have a chat, apologize for hurting his feelings but talk about how he feels about his weight?

Assuming you’re the one that feeds him, how about putting him on a healthy eating plan? Both if you if need be 🙂

You could have said it more kindly. Rather than yes you are fat, “well more importantly than how you look, I am concerned about your health suffering due to being overweight”.

As a couple we talk about weight and our sizes together, we both need to shift some at the moment but he tends to follow my lead, I’ve found if I get a bit tubby so does he!! So we are on a weight loss together, I think being open about weight within a couple is caring, I don’t want him to be at risk of health issues.

We have quit smoking, we will exercise more and he can make better snack choices!

I think what you said is fair, is he planning on doing anything about his weight?

I think you have misread the OP.

OP, there are less harsh ways of saying it. I think you know that. Offering to support him in his weight loss journey because his health will otherwise suffer is one, but a judgemental "you are fat" is very unlikely to end well or get the results you want.

I've struggled with my weight for all of my teenage and adult life. Whatever I did I just seemed to get bigger and didn't understand why until, well into adulthood, I was diagnosed with a serious thyroid condition which hampered everything.

I only ever mentioned my weight directly in conversation with those people who I feel I can trust to be sympathetic and understanding. Never to anyone else. I was always even wary about discussing it with my DH as I know he was scared he wouldn't handle it well. We've learned how to discuss it over the years though. He is kind and now has a basic understanding of my medical issues too.

I've been on Ozempic since February due to diabetes control and there has been a slow but steady drop in my weight.

I'm 58 now so have had these weight issues for longer than I care to remember. However, I'm postmenopausal now, which hinders many women but seems to be helping me.

Find a way to be kinder over such a sensitive issue. Us obese people do tend to know that we are and the mental and physical health problems that go with it are very complex.

Saying "well you are fat" is the bulldozer approach. It is hurtful and won't work. Comfort eating may well follow it.

I agree. There’s no way I’m pushing my husband or anyone else in a wheelchair if they’ve got unhealthy by greed

Strange assumption.

He's a man, not a cat! 🤣

But even if the OP is the one that 'feeds him', you can't put someone on a healthy eating plan against their wishes.

Feel like you are maybe answering a different post……?
Or has this poster posted before about being called fat by this man?

I would never volunteer comment on someone's weight. Absolutely no benefit to it whatsoever.

But if someone close to me asked me point blank to comment, I would. I probably wouldn't use the word "fat" as its so loaded, and there may have been a kinder way to do it, but I don't think you should obfuscate if someone you love and trust asks you the question directly.

Why would it fall to the OP to be feeding him? He's not a pet or a zoo animal. Hes a grown man and presumably capable of preparing meals...

I think "well you are fat" is possibly a bit blunt, could have added a "but I love you" to soften it.

Yanbu though for not telling him that he's slim instead.

he takes 4XL and has a BMI of over 40. He knows he's fat.

There is a difference between being tactful with strangers / friends and being truthful with the person you love.

And yes, it does hurt even when you know you are fat. But you know, as a fat person, that you are fat. (unless you have severe body dysmorphya)

For me the answer would have been something like "i love you however you look. But if you want answer, yes you are overweight" There may be other reasons for the DHs size, but he will know those too. Lying to ourselves and lying to our loved ones isn't always helpful.

The bigger question is: why did he bring it up? Is he in denial, or is he thinking of doing something to reduce his size?

I haven’t seen anything in OPs post to suggest he has special needs that require a carer?

assuming he is a healthy, functioning adult then hopefully he feeds himself.

if his obesity has gotten to the stage that he required this level of care then medical assistance is required - a dietician at the very least.

My OH and I are both overweight and we don’t lie to each other about it but nor have either of us outright said ‘you’re fat’. We might say stuff like we aren’t looking after ourselves or my OH (who is blunter than me!) might talk about me ‘putting on the beef’ and relate it to how he’s worried Im not happy ie being honest but also showing empathy. It sounds like you were a bit blunt rather than framing your comment as concern and emphasising his good points which can help eg
‘You know I love and fancy you but I’m worried you’ve not been looking after yourself lately’.
If my husband commented that he looked fat and I agreed, it would most likely to relate to a particular choice of outfit and I’d probably say something like ‘yeah that t shirts not the best on you, what about this one?’.

Christ, this is a conversation women have with their partners all the time!

Get a grip.

Gosh, your husband isn’t just a little bit fat. He is morbidly obese. He is at significant risk of heart attack, stroke and early death. He is unlikely to be able to do normal physical activities. Does he smell badly? His obesity is probably making your life unpleasant!

He needs a metaphorical kick up the backside!

It’s about knowing the person.

I used to be fat, as a child/teenager I had not just puppy fat but all the Dalmatians puppy fat! 😂

People who loved me were kind, and I didn’t find it at all helpful. I don’t need people telling me there was more to love, or I looked like ‘me’. I knew they were lying and that made me feel worse. I also felt they were unreliable to ask opinions when I was dieting, as a result I felt very alone on that journey as no one I knew would walk it with me honestly.

Your husband is clearly different to me and wanted reassurance, rather than practical acknowledgment or solutions - I don’t think you did anything wrong, you just didn’t quite read the room.

I'd talk to him, find out how he’s feeling about his weight and ask him what he wants to do (if anything( and how you can help, but obviously reassuring him that you love him regardless of size.

we’re all very different, and very touchy when it comes to our weight!

or, he is a grown up, an adult who can tell he's fat, knows that it brings health issues and he does something about it (or not, his choice)?

OP is not his mother.

I wouldn't like someone just bluntly saying 'well you are fat' to me if I said I felt I looked that way. Even if it was true.

But I get there's no point saying he looks slim!

Maybe something like 'what do you think you can do to get a bit more healthy? Shall we go for a walk, try that new leisure centre..' just suggesting things that might actually help a bit.

He's clearly feeling a bit insecure so I hope you can reassure him you love him and just want him to be healthy and able to enjoy life.

Well maybe it’s about time she started treating him like a pet, before he has a heart attack 🙄

Out of interest - were you coming from a place of gender roles in that the woman manages all the food in the household? And you assume that is how all households operate - the man only eats what the woman provides?