Friend being unkind about my daughter

[Nessa1777]

My childhood friend of 40 years has been hostile towards my 25 year old daughter. Background is that this friend has not been a reliable friend and missed out on a critical 10 years of my life (birth of kids, my wedding, my fathers death) she sees me as her “bestie” and makes it known she knows me more than anyone and has known me longer than anyone. She can go weeks without being in touch and would drop me if she met a new man. She’s now happily married. I lived down south until two years ago where my husband and I moved north to where she lives to be near my mother. My son who is 27 stayed in the south and my daughter aged 25 was meant to be living away but she ended up moving up with us.
Two years ago I had a barbecue where my friend came, she was messing with the meat and complaining there was not much meat on the bones. My daughter made a joke “well if that’s how you feel you can fuck offer home after that hotdog” laughing. This was witnessed by 4 others including me and I knew it was a joke and thought nothing more of it.
After a few days she telephoned me to ask how I thought the night had gone?
She then told me she had cried all weekend due to the comment my daughter made and how she would never speak to her mothers friend like that. I said numerous times that it would be a joke and my daughter would never be cruel and unkind, I asked my daughter about it and she confirmed it was banter. All the other witnesses saw it as banter.
Fast forward two years and she’s still bringing it up “well the last time I saw her she told me to fuck off”
She explained she was annoyed with my daughter because I am her “bestie” and she couldn’t understand why my daughter was living with us because we apparently wanted a new chapter and new life and she wanted to protect me! She went as far as to say “what’s she even doing here?? “
I am conflicted in loyalty to my daughter and my friendship. I’m concerned that 2 years on she’s still thinking about a comment made by a 23 year old.
Just some extra context, she has no other friends that I have seen, her wedding reception was very absent of friends. They appear to have come and gone in her life. She keeps saying how she knows me longest and better than anyone else

Your daughter was rude

however your friend does sound hard work and I would always put my children before friends

@JLou08

what’s the relevance of whether or not she has children?

@unsurewhattodoaboutit

yeah OP’s daughter values telling people to fuck off, OP’s friend doesn’t.

yet another with a potty mouth. Is this the norm nowadays?

Agree that daughter was very rude...but so was friend, complaining about OP's food. Daughter shouldn't have sworn at the friend like that, but it sounds like she was just upset on her mum's behalf and defending her mum.

Did you critise your friend in frount of your daughter prior to the BBQ?

It is actually none of her bus8ness who you have living with you but she clearly feels threatened by your daughter’s presence at your home. Whilst the comment your daughter made was a tad rude it was certainly no worse than the original comment about the lack of meat. IMO one cancelled out the other……end of that conversation.

If the so called friend is going to question everything about your new life back up north then tell her the friendship has run its course and jog on!

Have you been living under a shitting fucking rock?? Do you know where you are, dear?

I had a friend like this, she particularly took a huge offense to my eldest who hadn't ever done anything to her. I went through a highly traumatic time last year and invited her over for some much needed moral support and I wrongly thought that she would at least have some comforting words for me, instead I got a half hour of her telling me how lucky I am and that shes incredibly jealous and would love it if it happened to her. I told her to leave and I haven't seen her since, shes tried but ive made excuses to not see her. I realised that every time I hung out with her I was left feeling depleated and miserable.

You dont need enemies when you have a friend like that.

Cried all weekend and still brings it up two years later?

How ridiculous.

I'm sure an adult can cope with hearing the words 'fuck off' in a jokey retort without still crying about it two years later.

First of all your daughter should not have said that. I would have been mortally offended, but there again I am very stuffy & old fashioned and really don't find that loose banter particularly funny. However, your friend also sound flaky. Why should people loosen up when someone is trying to joke. They may not like the type of joke. Your friend does not sound like a friend for life so I would just gently drift away. Check on your daughter if she upsets anyone else. I would not be afraid to have a gentle word if she does this again.

OP's friend criticises the meat that OP has bought for her guests. The daughter's joke was in response to that rudeness.

I have a 23 year old daughter. She’d roll her eyes and consider your friend a pain. But she’d never speak to someone like that, least of all a friend. I’d be horrified if she did!

You're loyalty lies with your daughter every time. It was a bit rude what she said to your friend bit dramatic to be going on about it 2 years later. I would have to express how I feel to my friend and see how she responds before deciding on how I would proceed going forwards l

Your*

If my best friend's daughter said that, even in jest, I would be shocked and would assume that she was reflecting how her mum feels and talks about me. Especially if my friend laughed.

You are not here bestie. You are her only friend and she still brings this up as she is looking for reassurance that you care for her.

But you don't really. She's not as important to you as you are to her - probably because you see her as having been absent when you needed a bf, and because she drops you when she has a new man.

Take a step back. Don't care so much about what she says. Keep in touch if you want to, but if her expectations of you are making you resent her then see less of her or sit her down and have a chat. It might clear the air, or it might mean she feels more hurt and distances herself.

I thought this was- the daughter was defending the Mum’s BBQ efforts!

Saying "what's she doing here". I can't imagine any parent saying that about someone in their early 20s moving with their parents to the other side of the country.

"Banter" doesn't really work with strangers, so your daughter probably judged the situation badly, but it shouldn't have been a huge deal especially if she apologised. On the other hand, a young adult might well have a banter-y relationship with her mum's actual best friend. It sounds like your friend is thinking of your daughter as a stranger (and maybe even as competition for your affection) but not reflecting on HOW this has happened and that it's a reflection of the friendship being far less close than she wants to claim. It just feels odd.

Friend's comments about whether or not your daughter should be living with you sound out of line; she can ask once out of interest what the plan is/why your daughter decided to come, but then she needs to let it go.

I'd decide if you want the friend in your life or not, but if you do decide to maintain the relationship then perhaps try to set clearer boundaries and just disregard the nonsense about being lifelong besties; she can be a friend without making up a relationship that doesn't exist.

I hate the "it's just banter" excuse people come up with when they know perfectly well they have been rude. Your daughter should have apologised as soon as it was evident that her comment was not being viewed as funny.

Tbh it's your daughter's responsibility to make sure the joke hits home right, if the butt of the joke clearly says they are upset by it repeatedly then you can take it as l at face value! You don't need to ask 4 other people, if the person who received it didn't like it then you apologise and move on.
However you can be friends with who you like, if it's too much or your senses of humour conflict then that's fine, you can call it a day!
To be honest she sounds a bit needy and maybe manipulative from what you've said but an apology costs nothing and then you can move on either with or without your friend in your life.

oh and another one. Lovely

Your daughter was rude and should’ve apologised.

1. think friend of many years thinks she has a very high “status” in your life and that should be respected like a VIP.
2. daughter was treating her like a peer

Both can learn a lesson

In total, the issue is between the two. Not your problem. However, would ask daughter to suck if up and apologise.

You should let friend know, that your daughter is a VIP, if not only THE VIP, in your life. Friend needs to know she is nowhere near top girl in your life.

Same