Friend being unkind about my daughter

[Nessa1777]

My childhood friend of 40 years has been hostile towards my 25 year old daughter. Background is that this friend has not been a reliable friend and missed out on a critical 10 years of my life (birth of kids, my wedding, my fathers death) she sees me as her “bestie” and makes it known she knows me more than anyone and has known me longer than anyone. She can go weeks without being in touch and would drop me if she met a new man. She’s now happily married. I lived down south until two years ago where my husband and I moved north to where she lives to be near my mother. My son who is 27 stayed in the south and my daughter aged 25 was meant to be living away but she ended up moving up with us.
Two years ago I had a barbecue where my friend came, she was messing with the meat and complaining there was not much meat on the bones. My daughter made a joke “well if that’s how you feel you can fuck offer home after that hotdog” laughing. This was witnessed by 4 others including me and I knew it was a joke and thought nothing more of it.
After a few days she telephoned me to ask how I thought the night had gone?
She then told me she had cried all weekend due to the comment my daughter made and how she would never speak to her mothers friend like that. I said numerous times that it would be a joke and my daughter would never be cruel and unkind, I asked my daughter about it and she confirmed it was banter. All the other witnesses saw it as banter.
Fast forward two years and she’s still bringing it up “well the last time I saw her she told me to fuck off”
She explained she was annoyed with my daughter because I am her “bestie” and she couldn’t understand why my daughter was living with us because we apparently wanted a new chapter and new life and she wanted to protect me! She went as far as to say “what’s she even doing here?? “
I am conflicted in loyalty to my daughter and my friendship. I’m concerned that 2 years on she’s still thinking about a comment made by a 23 year old.
Just some extra context, she has no other friends that I have seen, her wedding reception was very absent of friends. They appear to have come and gone in her life. She keeps saying how she knows me longest and better than anyone else

If she really knew you the best she would know that she's being unreasonable by banging on about this two years later and suggesting she needs to protect you from your daughter. If you don't want to drop her altogether, you make it clear that you will not hear another word about your daughter from her.

Your friend was criticising your meat, your daughter put her in her place, both claimed it was banter. Both of them are adults yet your friend can’t get over it, keeps criticising your daughter. I’d tell her to shut the fuck up

So many on here need to remove the stick from up their arseholes and learn to take a bit of banter. Seriously 🙄

Your daughter sounds proper rude, Op.

frankly at her age she should be moving out before she loses you anymore friends

Haven’t read all the responses but wanted to make one observation: a lot of people seem to be focused on the rudeness of your daughter’s ‘quip’.

While it probably was inappropriate for her to have said it if they don’t have that kind of relationship, I personally would not have been overly offended as your daughter was quite young, and she’s supposed to be her ‘bestie’s daughter.

More to the point, poking at meat at a barbecue and making snippy comments is actually really rude of a guest- particularly one old enough to know better. In that context, given she presumably felt comfortable enough to do that, then she pretty much earned a little jovial snark in response.

Perhaps she needs to decide if she wants to be treated as an honorary Dowager Aunt or an actual auntie, with all that implies. (Either is probably a bit of a liberty though, given she actually left you on your own when you were in the hard first 10 years of motherhood.)

Why should Op be loyal to her daughter when it was her daughter who made the shitty comment? Just because she’s her daughter?

Your daughter was really horrible to your friend and then you made your friend feel even worse about. It sound like you don’t want to be friends any more, which is fine, but don’t go kidding yourself that she’s the problem here.

There’s a time and place. Telling your Mother’s friend to fuck off home can’t be described as banter. You need to be close to someone and get their humour for a ‘fuck off home then’ joke to land. A 25 year old girl telling a 55 year old (I’m guessing) woman to fuck off is high risk.

Banter with mates is different to banter with Auntie Joan. I’m 47, last night my friends and I were howling about an anal sex joke. I’ve been out for lunch with my Mum and Auntie today - I didn’t share the joke. Not the right audience.

I wouldn’t be feeling too kind towards your daughter OP if she had said that to me either @Nessa1777

i mean who does she think she is telling people to fuck off home from the bbq - it’s not even her house!

I would be mortified if my daughter spoke to a friend of mine that way, joke or not.

This. Your daughter was rude as fuck and you pass it off as "banter" Typical bully response

@LAMPS1

no, daughter or not, she needs pulling up on it. She can’t go around saying whatever she wants to OP’s mates when they’ll come over or OP will end up with no mates left and will be sad and lonely

The fact is that the OP and others witnessed the joke, were not mortified and thought nothing more of it. The "bestie" had her moment, made her point that she had been in tears. But 2 years later is trying to turn the OP against her daughter. It's selfish. She had her right to be offended, she had her right to express her upset, she did both of those things 2 years ago. If she actually cared about the OP she would have let it drop long ago. It's not the OP who is short of friends, it's the "bestie".

I know!

Sounds like daughter has absolutely had enough of OP's 'friend'.

Seems the friend can be rude about your hosting ability but your daughter can't return the rudeness with a fuck off home if you don't like mothers hosting abilities

This.

The “friend” was being incredibly rude about the host’s food and was knocked down a peg.
If I’d been there I would have laughed at the comment too and it sounds like everyone else there thought it was funny.

Also, not sure how old the “friend” is but given the daughter is now 25 we can assume she’s old enough to build herself a bridge and get the hell over it after TWO years. No wonder she has no friends when she holds grudges like that over one perceived slight.

Even the way she claimed to have cried into her tiny little pillow about it at the time she took no accountability for her own rudeness. No “I know I was probably being out of line complaining about the food but I think daughter went too far”.

Now to not even speak to the 25 year old adult daughter directly about it like grown up and to put OP in the middle is also incredibly selfish and childish.

No- I’m sorry but even if “friend” had been a good friend over the years it would be out of line to be going on about this two years after the fact and not sorting her issue with the daughter out directly, but she’s not even been a particularly good friend over the years anyway. Length of time knowing someone is not a good enough reason to keep toxic people around.

@MikeRafone

it’s not OP’s daughters place to tell her to fuck off home though is it? It’s not even the daughter’s house! She should have wound her neck in

Because most people would choose their daughter over an unreliable friend who didn't bother with her for 10 years and used to drop her as soon as she had a boyfriend. Her friend made a rude remark about the quality of the meat and her daughter made a rude joke in response. Her friend took huge offence and is still banging on about it two years later. She sounds high maintenance and ridiculous.

Your friend sounds jealous of your daughter. Does she not have children?
Your daughters comment wasn't great without context but I think your friend was being rude and your daughter retaliated. I'd guess you're a bit of a people pleaser and see good in everyone wheras your daughter sees your 'bestie' for what she really is but is maybe holding back out of respect for you.

I'd be appalled if the daughter of a friend spoke to me like that. However it doesn't sound as though you like this woman much, so why do you continue to see her?

Personally I'd have said outright,

To be fair you were shit talking the food I was providing you, I'd have joked for you to fuck off if I'd heard it myself"

And left it at that.

I absolutely got this from the post too. DD has probably had years of seeing her mum being treated poorly by her so-called friend. She stood up for her mum when she wasn’t standing up for herself. OP can’t seriously be wondering where her loyalties lie when only one of these two people has her best interests at heart.

Your dd was OTT, even if it was meant as a joke. But your friend is really ‘milking’ it - she needs to be told to FGS let it go.* From all you’ve said I’m not surprised if she doesn’t appear to have any friends - and as for going on about you being her ‘bestie’, that’d make me cringe - sounds so infantile and TBH I hate that word anyway.
*Or you’ll let her go!!

You and your family are obviously a bit different to your ‘friend’ and seem to have different values. You probably just need to end the friendship as you don’t seem to really like her that much.

Your daughter was rude.