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Original poster

Wedding disaster advice wanted please.

227 replies

Poodlelove · 05/07/2025 11:31

Our son got married yesterday.
A big wedding in a stately home, son and daughter in law paid for own wedding.
My Dad was invited but he is difficult, he is 80 but is active and well, but my sister and him do not speak and haven't done for 20 years.
Her children who are teenagers have never met him.
He was invited to the wedding on the condition that my dad did not approach my sister or her children.
Dad arrives with his wife and I greet them and introduce them to people and then I see him watching my sister.
I remind him of what was agreed previously and what I had said when the invitation went out and his wife also asks him to respect our wishes.
He then asks what time the food is coming.
This was at 11.45 am but the ceremony was at 1pm .
Around 30 minutes later my sister goes out onto the terrace to speak to other guests.
My Dad gets up and strides across the room and heads straight out there and corners her .
The best man steps in and asks him to move away and is warned to keep away.
He sulks on a sofa in the bar area and everytime my sister is escorted to the toilet by one of the ushers my Dad leans over and tries to wave.
He is given a final warning and then he strides up to our son and daughter in law during the couple only photo session in the grounds and says they feel out of place and unwanted.
Best man and ushers say just go or have your meal then go.
He decides to eat , nobody sees him leave but I am glad to see that he is nowhere to be seen.
I told everyone including my new daughter in law my other son's partner and nephew's that he had promised to behave and he was only there to see his Grandson get married.
I am waiting for an operation so was not at my best , my Dad knew this and was concerned , biopsies being taken etc ,but I feel he has let everyone down and he has spoilt what was a very special day for all of us .Why did I just not let him come ?
Please advise me.
TIA

OP posts:
Woahtherehoney · 05/07/2025 11:34

This isn’t your fault - your Dad is a grown adult who rather than respect his grandson’s wishes and be respectful, he chose not to. He deliberately chose to make the day difficult when he could have easily stayed away. Don’t beat yourself up about this, I’m sure your son wouldn’t want you to do that. Chalk it up to experience that you can’t trust your Dad with things like this and just try and move on.

RhiWrites · 05/07/2025 11:35

Well it’s a bit your fault for believing him. How does your sister feel?

ComtesseDeSpair · 05/07/2025 11:36

You’ll be dwelling on this far more than anyone else will be. The other guests will either have not noticed or forgotten about him the moment he left, and your son and daughter-in-law may have been unsettled in the moment he came up to tell them he felt unwanted, but I doubt thought more of it once they were engrossed in enjoying their wedding day with all their friends and family.

If you keep on bringing it up, making apologies for him, talking about how he spoiled the day etc you’ll make it a much bigger thing than it is and create a dampener. Focus on how lovely the wedding was and what a happy day it was.

PinkyFlamingo · 05/07/2025 11:40

Obviously it wasn't pleasant but is it not a bit of a reach to say it "spoiled the day"?

MooreMooreMoore · 05/07/2025 11:40

Saying ‘couple only photos’ sounds a bit dramatic, you mean they were outside with the photographer, everything doesn’t need to be labelled as an experience.
Maybe your dad wanted to clear the air and make amenda, waving from a seated position doesn’t sound aggressive. From an outside perspective it all sounds a bit drama llama.

Outofthemoonlight · 05/07/2025 11:40

Let it go.

from your description it doesn’t sound as bad as it clearly is in your head.

I’m sure most people either didn’t notice or thought it was just a minor annoyance.

Let it go.

Iloveeverycat · 05/07/2025 11:41

It was your son's choice to invite him. He would have known the situation. It was not your fault.

Octavia64 · 05/07/2025 11:41

It’s not a disaster.

The vast majority of other guests will not even have noticed.

did the bride and groom notice? I was so busy on my wedding day that various stuff happened and I was completely unaware.

RadioWhatsNew · 05/07/2025 11:43

Did your son want to invite him or did you push for your dad to be included? I think that is a key detail here as to how much thought your son and others are going to give to this

Original poster
Poodlelove · 05/07/2025 11:43

RhiWrites · 05/07/2025 11:35

Well it’s a bit your fault for believing him. How does your sister feel?

I know , I am gutted.
She was a bit shocked but glad that she had people that moved him away and that he left and she was very happy all day , thank goodness.

OP posts:
DappledThings · 05/07/2025 11:44

It was never going to happen that he came and didn’t try to speak to your sister. But no, the wedding wasn't spoiled. It doesn’t sound like he made a massive scene.

cheddercherry · 05/07/2025 11:44

I agree, depends entirely on whether you insisted he was invited/ pushed your son to include him or not. Seems like he acted entirely predictably and probably did make a fair few people uncomfortable, so if you were the one to force this situation then all you can do now is apologise profusely and not invite him again.

Original poster
Poodlelove · 05/07/2025 11:44

MooreMooreMoore · 05/07/2025 11:40

Saying ‘couple only photos’ sounds a bit dramatic, you mean they were outside with the photographer, everything doesn’t need to be labelled as an experience.
Maybe your dad wanted to clear the air and make amenda, waving from a seated position doesn’t sound aggressive. From an outside perspective it all sounds a bit drama llama.

Edited

Thank you 👍

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 05/07/2025 11:46

This is all on him.

You can apologise to your son and DIL for your part in asking that he be allowed to attend because you truly thought he would behave and that you are sorry for any upset he caused whilst there. And that should then be the end of it.

I am sure it was momentary annoyance for the groom and bride and that after he went it made no difference to the wedding. Others were clearly anticipating his behaviour as it sounds very much like your son's ushers had been tipped off to help control him if he acted up and did so!

I suspect you are more sensitive to it because he let you down. Try to put it behind you now but also be aware that it may be better to not extend further invitations in similar situations as he cannot be trusted to behave appropriately as requested

CopperWhite · 05/07/2025 11:47

Of course your Dad should have done more to respect his daughter’s wishes, but does he understand why she’s not talking to him in the first place? It was always going to be very difficult for a father to say nothing to a daughter when seeing her for the first time in decades.

28Fluctuations · 05/07/2025 11:50

If you pushed for him to be invited, then you owe your sister and the couple an apology. His feelings should have come a long way down the priority list. I would also feel bad that others had to be warned and involved in policing his behaviour. But how nice that they did so!

So say you're sorry for advocating for that man when you should not have. Recognise that you should never again pander to him. Centre family members who treat each other well. After that, forget it. It's not your fault that your Dad is an arse and you did not send out the invitations.

theresnolimits · 05/07/2025 11:50

Forget it. We had a similar incident at our son’s wedding - no one noticed or, if they did, have never mentioned it. Sounds like it was dealt with well. Don’t let it spoil the day and don’t mention it again.

MoreChocPls · 05/07/2025 11:52

Did you son want him there? If yes, not your fault. But if your son didn’t care and you pushed your dad into going, then you should have butted out.

PeapodMcgee · 05/07/2025 11:52

Was it yourself trying to please everybody? Or did your son decide to invite him of his own accord?

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 05/07/2025 11:54

If anyone else noticed they probably rather enjoyed it. Yes I know that sounds horrid, but the truth is that the bit where everyone is hanging around waiting for the photoshoot to ( finally) end is so tedious, and a bit of drama gives you something to talk about.

Thats what I would tell myself anyway. The rest of it is not your responsibility ( though I would leave DF off any future guest list)

Cheer up, it’s fine really.

NoelFaraday · 05/07/2025 11:59

Why was this not sorted before the wedding. You know he is difficult and would most likely try to speak to her.

She carried on the drama by having men intervene and people escort her to the toilet.

Both of them are ridiculous.

TheignT · 05/07/2025 11:59

It's done so nothing can change it but you can focus on all the lovely things that happened. Either way it isn't your fault.

BeachPossum · 05/07/2025 12:00

MooreMooreMoore · 05/07/2025 11:40

Saying ‘couple only photos’ sounds a bit dramatic, you mean they were outside with the photographer, everything doesn’t need to be labelled as an experience.
Maybe your dad wanted to clear the air and make amenda, waving from a seated position doesn’t sound aggressive. From an outside perspective it all sounds a bit drama llama.

Edited

No it doesn't. OP wasn't labelling it as 'an experience', she was just describing a completely normal part of most weddings in the UK, where the couple get photos taken of just the two of them. It was clearly an inappropriate time for her dad to try and corner them about how he didn't feel prioritised at their wedding.

OP - your dad does sound like a pain but I don't think it was a disaster or something you need to carry on worrying about. He was arsey, it was dealt with, sounds like the couple still had a lovely day. Yoire not a bad person for trying to make it work with him there, even if he did let you down. Let it go and focus on the happy memories.

pikkumyy77 · 05/07/2025 12:06

MooreMooreMoore · 05/07/2025 11:40

Saying ‘couple only photos’ sounds a bit dramatic, you mean they were outside with the photographer, everything doesn’t need to be labelled as an experience.
Maybe your dad wanted to clear the air and make amenda, waving from a seated position doesn’t sound aggressive. From an outside perspective it all sounds a bit drama llama.

Edited

It really doesn’t sound like “drama llama” stuff at all.

I think you should apologize to your sister for having prioritized your father and sentimental ideas of family harmony over the reality which is that he is an uncontrollable bully. He didn’t give a fig for the bride and groom. Stop pretending that he is a normal person. Respect the estrangement between them and stop trying to be switzerland.

Lindy2 · 05/07/2025 12:06

He didn't spoil the day. He just caused a problem which appears to have been dealt with efficiently and without too much drama.

Don't let his actions spoil what was, I'm sure, an otherwise lovely day.

At least you all know that you are better off not inviting him to events in the future.