Wedding disaster advice wanted please.

[Poodlelove]

Our son got married yesterday.
A big wedding in a stately home, son and daughter in law paid for own wedding.
My Dad was invited but he is difficult, he is 80 but is active and well, but my sister and him do not speak and haven't done for 20 years.
Her children who are teenagers have never met him.
He was invited to the wedding on the condition that my dad did not approach my sister or her children.
Dad arrives with his wife and I greet them and introduce them to people and then I see him watching my sister.
I remind him of what was agreed previously and what I had said when the invitation went out and his wife also asks him to respect our wishes.
He then asks what time the food is coming.
This was at 11.45 am but the ceremony was at 1pm .
Around 30 minutes later my sister goes out onto the terrace to speak to other guests.
My Dad gets up and strides across the room and heads straight out there and corners her .
The best man steps in and asks him to move away and is warned to keep away.
He sulks on a sofa in the bar area and everytime my sister is escorted to the toilet by one of the ushers my Dad leans over and tries to wave.
He is given a final warning and then he strides up to our son and daughter in law during the couple only photo session in the grounds and says they feel out of place and unwanted.
Best man and ushers say just go or have your meal then go.
He decides to eat , nobody sees him leave but I am glad to see that he is nowhere to be seen.
I told everyone including my new daughter in law my other son's partner and nephew's that he had promised to behave and he was only there to see his Grandson get married.
I am waiting for an operation so was not at my best , my Dad knew this and was concerned , biopsies being taken etc ,but I feel he has let everyone down and he has spoilt what was a very special day for all of us .Why did I just not let him come ?
Please advise me.
TIA

So there you go - it wasn't ruined for her and that's the important bit from what you've posted, no? I think what you mean is that him being there spoiled things for you because you were stressing about his presence and behaviour. So learn from this, don't include him again when he needs managing in such a way.

I agree that if he's that bad that your sister needed the whole wedding party on your side to get involved, he shouldn't have been invited. If you are the one who invited him and ignored other people, then it is on you. You need to decide if he comes before other family members, because I wouldn't want that spoiling occasions, if I was your DILs Mother, or my grandchildren around it. My eldest and youngest DDs don't speak, but would leave each other alone on family occasions.

I can't imagine the backstory that both warrants a wedding invitation & everybody knowing you distrust this guy but I'm absolutely here for it . ..

This is very good advice.

Also. You cannot change it now. All you can do is move on.
It seemed highlighted to you are you were worried about your Dad in advance and during.. but the other's were less "invested" if that's the right word and would have been focusing on everything else.

Also its good that people helped and stepped in and that calmed things down and contained it.

The choice is to keep on worrying about it and blaming yourself for someone else's actions or to forgive yourself and move on. And talk to your family about the good points of the day. You'll feel better for it.

Maybe after 20 years of no contact he was surprised himself that he was so keen to acknowledge her. Think about it OP, you are a parent and haven’t seen your own child for 20 years and you think you’ve dealt with it, then all of a sudden she’s right there and all you want to do is say hello and wave, especially at 80 you may never get another chance. Maybe he didn’t realise he’d be treated like a monster and warned off. He ate his meal and left. I presume he is atleast a monster?

I think that this set up was always going to go wrong - your Dad sounds like someone who can't respect others boundaries which I would guess is why he's estranged from your sister.

But it also sounds like it was handled very well! The wedding party stepped in, situations were diffused reasonably calmly. You can't be expected to guarantee the behaviour of another adult.

It's not a disaster. The happy couple are safely married, and no doubt had a wonderful day. It was a minor irritation, that most guests probably didn't even notice. Just concentrate on your happy memories of your son's wedding.

My FIL done this to me and my husband. SIL wedding DH hadn’t spoke to his dad in 15 years. Our son was 18 months never met him no idea who he was. Kept coming over and trying to interact with us. Saying things like it would be nice to have a photo of my and all my grandkids together!!

no one else at the wedding knew what was happening, BIL told him to stay away from me or leave. Other bridesmaid who knew the situation told him same!! I wouldn’t worry there was no drama that anyone other than a few would have noticed!

hopefully you had a nice day in the end

I was estranged from my difficult (severely personality disordered) father, and I would not have attended a wedding where he was a guest.

From a person with severe emotional / behavioural issues, a promise to behave well means less than nothing. If you could trust them not to harass and provoke people, they wouldn't be estranged from their family in the first place.

I think the effect on you & your sister at the wedding was probably greater than on anyone else.

There was some responsibility on your son's part to think about whether his grandfather could realistically be included in any way that kept the peace.

Perhaps controversially, I do think there was also some responsibility on the part of your sister not to expect others to run interference for her - and if this meant a choice between dealing with her father's behaviour or missing the wedding, so be it.

I'm sorry you (and the best man and ushers!) were in this position.

When I read the title 'wedding disaster' I was expecting the cake to have collasped, the bride's dress ruined or something equally bad happening.
This was hardly a disaster was it? It was dealt with quietly and resolved, not worthly of the title, a plane crash is a disaster, certainly not this situation.

It wasn’t a disaster at all.

It’s unfortunate that he didn’t stick to what was agreed beforehand (assuming he did agree to it beforehand) but it wasn’t your fault. And tbh it might have been nice if the wedding had led to them being reconciled, at least enough to have a civil conversation, after such a long breach, though I appreciate no drama was wanted on the day.

Surely it depends on the reason why his daughter is no contact with him?
no, all that takes is a ‘go away dad’ from her then people step in, the preemptive dash’s to him etc just curled it all, it sounds like a comedy with them all on standby!!!

I mean if that's the reason for the NC, he shouldn't be invited to any family gatherings at all, but the OP didn't say that at all. It could be something completely different. Families fall out over all kinds of things. My dad was NC with his parents over a family dispute over money.

My ex-husband chooses not to speak to his parents because he's a jerk.

There are all kinds of family disputes not involving any abuse or SA at all.

Sure there are. But who are we to judge them insufficient or foolish?

Very much agree with @ComtesseDeSpair - it sounds like you are letting this ruin your memories of the day, but for everyone else it was not noticed or was a blip in an otherwise lovely day.

Agree, it sounds like no one but you will have let this spoil the day.

Now you know for sure that this entitled man thinks everything revolves around him, and cannot be trusted to behave in sensitive situations so you can act accordingly in future.

what has he done wrong? I can't see an explanation for anything anywhere. If he is absolutely horrible, why invite him? If he is a subspecies of guest, then your sister needs to cop on.

and you presenting yourself as the best person, chuckle 😃

I would also add almost every wedding will encounter an issue of some description, he would never be invited again.

It's not your fault and it could've been worse tbh.

There wasn't a huge scandal caused by the sounds of it, and the ushers seemed to keep him away from her. He then did seem to leave after the meal without further incident.

Not saying he behaved well, but how could you control him or be expected to?

You can't do anything to change what happened and nobody will blame you for his behaviour.

Am I the only one that feels sorry for the Dad? Imagine you could never speak to your son/daughter and never met their grandkids. It would be heart breaking. Imagine he just wanted to apologise? He can't have been that bad if you still talk to him. I don't think anyone else would have noticed or cared. It's not the big deal you're worrying about. I don't know why people are so dramatic about weddings saying days are ruined over minor things - don't worry about it

You're not responsible for his bad behaviour and your sister was protected from him. I am not sure what advice you need, are people blaming you?

The moment to repair the relationship, or attempt to, should never ever be made at someone else’s wedding! He had ample opportunity beforehand. You do NOT make the day all about you. Nor create a scene of any kind. I do not feel sorry for him at all, his arrogance is breathtaking and it says everything about why his relationship with his own child is in the gutter.

At best he should have waited for OP’s sister to approach him, and respected her wishes if she had chosen not to. You can not force engagement and it’s abusive to try.

I think it wasn't that bad, and you were in a no win situation, really. If you'd banned your dad you'd be feeling guilty about that, and thinking he would have behaved 'as instructed'. As it was, there was no real drama and certainly not a disaster. If your sister had a happy day, I'm sure all the other guests did too.

As this has already happened, there isn’t much advice that can be given except to let it go and carry on as before.
Your father was invited to the wedding, he tried but failed to talk to his estranged daughter, he was grumpy and complained at some point about wanting food, but thanks to good planning and the ushers keeping an eye on him, there was no embarrassing scene and he left early. Any potential crisis was thankfully averted.
You are exhausted from the stress no doubt as well as feeling unwell. Just look after yourself a bit now OP. Put yourself first and take a few days rest.
All is well.