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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding disaster advice wanted please.

227 replies

Poodlelove · 05/07/2025 11:31

Our son got married yesterday.
A big wedding in a stately home, son and daughter in law paid for own wedding.
My Dad was invited but he is difficult, he is 80 but is active and well, but my sister and him do not speak and haven't done for 20 years.
Her children who are teenagers have never met him.
He was invited to the wedding on the condition that my dad did not approach my sister or her children.
Dad arrives with his wife and I greet them and introduce them to people and then I see him watching my sister.
I remind him of what was agreed previously and what I had said when the invitation went out and his wife also asks him to respect our wishes.
He then asks what time the food is coming.
This was at 11.45 am but the ceremony was at 1pm .
Around 30 minutes later my sister goes out onto the terrace to speak to other guests.
My Dad gets up and strides across the room and heads straight out there and corners her .
The best man steps in and asks him to move away and is warned to keep away.
He sulks on a sofa in the bar area and everytime my sister is escorted to the toilet by one of the ushers my Dad leans over and tries to wave.
He is given a final warning and then he strides up to our son and daughter in law during the couple only photo session in the grounds and says they feel out of place and unwanted.
Best man and ushers say just go or have your meal then go.
He decides to eat , nobody sees him leave but I am glad to see that he is nowhere to be seen.
I told everyone including my new daughter in law my other son's partner and nephew's that he had promised to behave and he was only there to see his Grandson get married.
I am waiting for an operation so was not at my best , my Dad knew this and was concerned , biopsies being taken etc ,but I feel he has let everyone down and he has spoilt what was a very special day for all of us .Why did I just not let him come ?
Please advise me.
TIA

OP posts:
HowToSaveAWife · 05/07/2025 16:56

Ah I don't think this is your fault OP. He agreed to the "terms" (very simple IMO) and he ruined it, not you. At the most, I'd apologize to DS and DIL when they're back from honeymoon etc and buy something nice for them.

Unless there's a huge backstory of physical or sexual violence between your dad and your DS... If no abuse backstory then apologize to DSis anyway. This will have been very stressful for her.

But I don't think you did anything wrong per se.

Profpudding · 05/07/2025 16:58

This was always going to happen, could have been worse, youll know for next time

Coconutter24 · 05/07/2025 17:03

Why haven’t they spoke for 20 years?

ExpertArchFormat · 05/07/2025 17:10

You cannot take responsibility for your dad being an arsehole. That's on him.

It sounds like everything was handled brilliantly. A lot of people fielded emergency operations to keep the arsehole under control when he couldn't follow basic instructions and eventually he left.

He was never excluded, he had every opportunity to see his grandchild get married. He stuffed it up, and everyone pulled together to make sure the day wasn't spoiled by that.

Well done everyone.

Don't dwell on it any further. There's nothing for you to feel bad about.

I hope your medical issues get better soon.

MummaMummaMumma · 05/07/2025 17:11

Disaster?

Lifestooshort6591 · 05/07/2025 17:24

Sorry you had to deal with this on your son's special day. But it seems as if it was all handled, and thank goodness he left after food. Try not to focus on this, I am sure all the guests all had a lovely day, and didn't even notice. Horrible he stressed you out like this on such an important occasion. You took a tough decision, hoping he would behave, but you will know better in the future.

Original poster
Poodlelove · 05/07/2025 17:31

Thank you all for your replies.

It was a huge error on my part , I thought he would behave as he assured me after many lengthy discussions.

Emotional abuse is what both of us have suffered in the past , and after the death of our mother suddenly ,he supported me hugely over the last eight years.

He apologised for his behaviour in the past and said that he cannot undo his behaviour but he promised to be a good father and Grandfather and has been over the last 31 years.

I think my title of the original post like you say was incorrect.
My Father spoilt the day for me and my sister, whilst he was there.
His waving whilst sat down was an exaggerated sweeping movement , appearing to grab her hand ,which I was made aware of after the second time it had happened , I went to ask him to leave but he had gone.

I have learnt that he really had no intention of celebrating a wedding here and that he cannot be trusted or keep his word.
He risked the relationship he had with myself , husband and son and daughter in law to approach my sister , she is glad that her children could see his true colours for themselves.

Talking with everybody afterwards and today , your replies , I know that this was a truly magical day and everything was perfect.

There has been no contact since , if he does contact me , I will explain that he has let me down and I cannot forget that.

If he doesn't contact me then I am in no rush to speak to him.

He will no longer be welcome to any family occasions in the future.

Thank you all.

OP posts:
Keepingoin · 05/07/2025 17:33

My thoughts are if it was physical or sexual abuse that caused your sister to go no contact with her father you would know & support her by doing the same. You obviously still have a relationship with your father so why doesn't your sister, especially if it was nothing serious. It all sounds extremely petty & a bad example to set for future generations. Perhaps it's time to approach them both & act as a peacemaker in order to avoid similar situations in the future.

Having just read your update OP my thoughts are still the same. I hope it all works out. Family fueds are never a good idea unless in the most extreme circumstances where no contact is the only option

noctilucentcloud · 05/07/2025 17:43

Keepingoin · 05/07/2025 17:33

My thoughts are if it was physical or sexual abuse that caused your sister to go no contact with her father you would know & support her by doing the same. You obviously still have a relationship with your father so why doesn't your sister, especially if it was nothing serious. It all sounds extremely petty & a bad example to set for future generations. Perhaps it's time to approach them both & act as a peacemaker in order to avoid similar situations in the future.

Having just read your update OP my thoughts are still the same. I hope it all works out. Family fueds are never a good idea unless in the most extreme circumstances where no contact is the only option

Edited

I disagree with this. Emotional abuse is serious and can do a lot of damage. Sometimes people need to go no contact to protect their own well-being. I think it's good to show younger generations that abusive relationships are not ok and to walk away.

PeapodMcgee · 05/07/2025 17:46

noctilucentcloud · 05/07/2025 17:43

I disagree with this. Emotional abuse is serious and can do a lot of damage. Sometimes people need to go no contact to protect their own well-being. I think it's good to show younger generations that abusive relationships are not ok and to walk away.

Show quote history

Exactly, nobody should forgive emotional abuse just to 'keep the peace'. The fact this man trampled over everyone's boundaries and broke his promises shows that he still thinks he is in control of them.

MrsPerfect12 · 05/07/2025 17:48

Keepingoin · 05/07/2025 17:33

My thoughts are if it was physical or sexual abuse that caused your sister to go no contact with her father you would know & support her by doing the same. You obviously still have a relationship with your father so why doesn't your sister, especially if it was nothing serious. It all sounds extremely petty & a bad example to set for future generations. Perhaps it's time to approach them both & act as a peacemaker in order to avoid similar situations in the future.

Having just read your update OP my thoughts are still the same. I hope it all works out. Family fueds are never a good idea unless in the most extreme circumstances where no contact is the only option

Edited

Spoken like someone that has never endured emotional abuse. You are very lucky.
The sisters boundary should be respected, why doesn’t she deserve that?

noctilucentcloud · 05/07/2025 17:51

MikeRafone · 05/07/2025 15:24

why did you just not let him come

hope, hope he'd be the father you wish for, hope that he could do this one thing for you, hope that you could have a nice day not spoiled by him, that hoe that he wouldn't let you down....

grieve for the father you want and accept the person you have. The manage your expectation by saying NO

This is very wise and empathetic advice.

OP don't be too hard on yourself. It's done. I would check that your sister's OK though (if you haven't already). You're right though, your dad has lost his opportunity to ever be invited to a family event again.

Longyitudeed · 05/07/2025 17:53

Poodlelove · 05/07/2025 14:58

Son did not care if he wasn't invited
Daughter in law hadn't met him so she said she would like to if he behaved.
I thought he would be ok and he assured me he would be would follow the plan.

Show quote history

Hard to understand why you would insist on a difficult man attending when others were so disinterested in his attendance.

You risked your sons wedding for a deeply unpleasant man who was a pain in the arse for best man etc. to monitor.

I suspect you are deep in FOG. Fear,obligation and guilt.
Your difficult father was also more important than your sister having a nice day too??

Think about the above.
Perhaps some therapy might help you figure out where you stand on this.

Itallcomesdowntothis · 05/07/2025 17:54

PinkyFlamingo · 05/07/2025 11:40

Obviously it wasn't pleasant but is it not a bit of a reach to say it "spoiled the day"?

Completely agree. Honestly some people think that if every second of every minute at a wedding isn’t perfect rhe day was ruined.

OP YABU. No big altercation or reaction. Nothing was ruined please stop the need for a victim in this scenario. The say was far more than a grumpy relative.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 05/07/2025 18:00

Itallcomesdowntothis · 05/07/2025 17:54

Completely agree. Honestly some people think that if every second of every minute at a wedding isn’t perfect rhe day was ruined.

OP YABU. No big altercation or reaction. Nothing was ruined please stop the need for a victim in this scenario. The say was far more than a grumpy relative.

Show quote history

That’s a bit unnecessary, she already said her OP was wrong and it was a lovely and perfect day. Not sure what more you want from her.

Ohnobackagain · 05/07/2025 18:15

Outofthemoonlight · 05/07/2025 11:40

Let it go.

from your description it doesn’t sound as bad as it clearly is in your head.

I’m sure most people either didn’t notice or thought it was just a minor annoyance.

Let it go.

I agree OP. Many people won’t have noticed. Focus on the good bits and let the rest go @Poodlelove

MaggiesShadow · 05/07/2025 18:19

Poodlelove · 05/07/2025 17:31

Thank you all for your replies.

It was a huge error on my part , I thought he would behave as he assured me after many lengthy discussions.

Emotional abuse is what both of us have suffered in the past , and after the death of our mother suddenly ,he supported me hugely over the last eight years.

He apologised for his behaviour in the past and said that he cannot undo his behaviour but he promised to be a good father and Grandfather and has been over the last 31 years.

I think my title of the original post like you say was incorrect.
My Father spoilt the day for me and my sister, whilst he was there.
His waving whilst sat down was an exaggerated sweeping movement , appearing to grab her hand ,which I was made aware of after the second time it had happened , I went to ask him to leave but he had gone.

I have learnt that he really had no intention of celebrating a wedding here and that he cannot be trusted or keep his word.
He risked the relationship he had with myself , husband and son and daughter in law to approach my sister , she is glad that her children could see his true colours for themselves.

Talking with everybody afterwards and today , your replies , I know that this was a truly magical day and everything was perfect.

There has been no contact since , if he does contact me , I will explain that he has let me down and I cannot forget that.

If he doesn't contact me then I am in no rush to speak to him.

He will no longer be welcome to any family occasions in the future.

Thank you all.

It sounds like you were trying to save face or maybe subscribing to this idea that as your father he absolutely HAD to be there. It was an error, and it was unfortunate but I really don't think it sounds all bad.

You recovered and your son had a lovely day. That's what's important.

Is your sister okay with you or has she fallen out with you? Perhaps an apology for putting her in that situation is in order? It sounds like he's a lot kinder to you than to her, which must compound the hurt of having an abusive parent.

I think that even if you do make up with him, going forward special occasions shouldn't be used as an opportunity to test him and see if he improves.

Honestly, he sounds like an antagonistic prick to me! But you're still being very hard on yourself. You should forgive yourself. It was naive, maybe even a little selfish, but not purposely cruel.

Inyournewdress · 05/07/2025 18:24

Oh dear, I am really sorry for your stress OP especially when you’re not well. I don’t think you should feel bad about this, or dwell on it.

To be honest it was never going to work, was it? Expecting a father and daughter who haven’t spoken or met in 20 years to avert their eyes and everyone has a good time. I know it was a well meant plan but it just wasn’t going to work. The people who should really have known that, and could even have changed it, were your Dad, perhaps his wife, and your sister.

If there is some terrible reason why your dad and sister are estranged then really it shouldn’t have been attempted. I assume there are no suspicions of abuse or anything or surely your sister wouldn’t be expected to have him there. Equally if the reasons are more minor, your sister should have either vetoed it or said ok I will take the high road. Everyone made a drama out of an inevitable turn of events it seems.

It really doesn’t sound like a disaster though, just a brief interruption. I am sure the couple had an amazing day and if nothing else, they won’t have to regret not giving your dad a chance to be there. Try to put it in perspective as much as possible because you will send a message to others of how to react.

Family feuds are always difficult. So many of them completely unnecessary too.

Inyournewdress · 05/07/2025 18:26

So sorry OP I had missed your most recent update, I see there was emotional abuse. I think you are doing the right thing. So sorry you were let down again.

DBD1975 · 05/07/2025 18:27

CopperWhite · 05/07/2025 11:47

Of course your Dad should have done more to respect his daughter’s wishes, but does he understand why she’s not talking to him in the first place? It was always going to be very difficult for a father to say nothing to a daughter when seeing her for the first time in decades.

This totally, your Dad is 80 time is running out and he wants to make peace.
Don't know why they fell out in the first place but would it be beyond possible for the situation to be resolved?
Obviously a very sad situation for all concerned but don't feel bad OP you are not responsible for your Dad's actions, just a very sad situation all round.

Original poster
Poodlelove · 05/07/2025 18:30

MaggiesShadow · 05/07/2025 18:19

It sounds like you were trying to save face or maybe subscribing to this idea that as your father he absolutely HAD to be there. It was an error, and it was unfortunate but I really don't think it sounds all bad.

You recovered and your son had a lovely day. That's what's important.

Is your sister okay with you or has she fallen out with you? Perhaps an apology for putting her in that situation is in order? It sounds like he's a lot kinder to you than to her, which must compound the hurt of having an abusive parent.

I think that even if you do make up with him, going forward special occasions shouldn't be used as an opportunity to test him and see if he improves.

Honestly, he sounds like an antagonistic prick to me! But you're still being very hard on yourself. You should forgive yourself. It was naive, maybe even a little selfish, but not purposely cruel.

Show quote history

Yes thank you , we have had many chats , I think she was relieved that everyone could see that he had not changed and I could see that he actually does not care about either of us , he really doesn't.
He looked menacing sat there and I had not seen this for over 30 years.
I of course have apologised to my sister , nephews , who went with an open mind and very quickly formed their own opinion on him.
If course I also apologised to my Son and his wife.

OP posts:
MaggiesShadow · 05/07/2025 18:33

Poodlelove · 05/07/2025 18:30

Yes thank you , we have had many chats , I think she was relieved that everyone could see that he had not changed and I could see that he actually does not care about either of us , he really doesn't.
He looked menacing sat there and I had not seen this for over 30 years.
I of course have apologised to my sister , nephews , who went with an open mind and very quickly formed their own opinion on him.
If course I also apologised to my Son and his wife.

Show quote history

I'm genuinely sorry for you. That must have been a tough pill to swallow - realizing that he was still that same, cruel man. People who emotionally abuse their own children for so long rarely, if ever, change.

You have done all you can. It was an error made with good intentions and you've apologized even though your only crime was believing that he had changed. That's all you did. The blame for any scene or upset lies squarely with your father.

I'm really glad to hear he hasn't managed to come between you and your sister. He doesn't deserve that.

It's understandable that you're upset but try to look at the positives. Your son had a lovely day. Not many people knew about it and he left before he could do much damage. He doesn't deserve more headspace than that!

DBD1975 · 05/07/2025 18:34

Poodlelove · 05/07/2025 17:31

Thank you all for your replies.

It was a huge error on my part , I thought he would behave as he assured me after many lengthy discussions.

Emotional abuse is what both of us have suffered in the past , and after the death of our mother suddenly ,he supported me hugely over the last eight years.

He apologised for his behaviour in the past and said that he cannot undo his behaviour but he promised to be a good father and Grandfather and has been over the last 31 years.

I think my title of the original post like you say was incorrect.
My Father spoilt the day for me and my sister, whilst he was there.
His waving whilst sat down was an exaggerated sweeping movement , appearing to grab her hand ,which I was made aware of after the second time it had happened , I went to ask him to leave but he had gone.

I have learnt that he really had no intention of celebrating a wedding here and that he cannot be trusted or keep his word.
He risked the relationship he had with myself , husband and son and daughter in law to approach my sister , she is glad that her children could see his true colours for themselves.

Talking with everybody afterwards and today , your replies , I know that this was a truly magical day and everything was perfect.

There has been no contact since , if he does contact me , I will explain that he has let me down and I cannot forget that.

If he doesn't contact me then I am in no rush to speak to him.

He will no longer be welcome to any family occasions in the future.

Thank you all.

Your Dad apologised, has seen the error of his ways and wants to make amends.
He has supported you hugely and wants a chance to make things better, to be a good Dad and Grandad, please give him the opportunity to do so.
Not everyone gets an apology and not everyone gets a second chance, he is an old man and won't be around forever, soften your heart, speak with him, he sounds broken by what he has done and I think the stress of all of this will make him ill.

PeapodMcgee · 05/07/2025 18:42

DBD1975 · 05/07/2025 18:34

Your Dad apologised, has seen the error of his ways and wants to make amends.
He has supported you hugely and wants a chance to make things better, to be a good Dad and Grandad, please give him the opportunity to do so.
Not everyone gets an apology and not everyone gets a second chance, he is an old man and won't be around forever, soften your heart, speak with him, he sounds broken by what he has done and I think the stress of all of this will make him ill.

Show quote history

He hasn't apologised for his wedding behaviour, he isn't broken or ill. He is perfectly well, yet saw fit to corner his abuse victim, and sulk.

He can fuck off to the far side of fuck if he was my father!

Don't you EVER tell an abuse survivor to soften their heart to their abuser.

noctilucentcloud · 05/07/2025 18:43

Poodlelove · 05/07/2025 18:30

Yes thank you , we have had many chats , I think she was relieved that everyone could see that he had not changed and I could see that he actually does not care about either of us , he really doesn't.
He looked menacing sat there and I had not seen this for over 30 years.
I of course have apologised to my sister , nephews , who went with an open mind and very quickly formed their own opinion on him.
If course I also apologised to my Son and his wife.

Show quote history

I'm glad you're sister's OK. And I'm sorry you and her are in this situation, it hurts when a parent doesn't show love or care whatever your age. I hope you can manage to put this behind you and remember the happy bits of the day.

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