Wedding disaster advice wanted please.

[Poodlelove]

Our son got married yesterday.
A big wedding in a stately home, son and daughter in law paid for own wedding.
My Dad was invited but he is difficult, he is 80 but is active and well, but my sister and him do not speak and haven't done for 20 years.
Her children who are teenagers have never met him.
He was invited to the wedding on the condition that my dad did not approach my sister or her children.
Dad arrives with his wife and I greet them and introduce them to people and then I see him watching my sister.
I remind him of what was agreed previously and what I had said when the invitation went out and his wife also asks him to respect our wishes.
He then asks what time the food is coming.
This was at 11.45 am but the ceremony was at 1pm .
Around 30 minutes later my sister goes out onto the terrace to speak to other guests.
My Dad gets up and strides across the room and heads straight out there and corners her .
The best man steps in and asks him to move away and is warned to keep away.
He sulks on a sofa in the bar area and everytime my sister is escorted to the toilet by one of the ushers my Dad leans over and tries to wave.
He is given a final warning and then he strides up to our son and daughter in law during the couple only photo session in the grounds and says they feel out of place and unwanted.
Best man and ushers say just go or have your meal then go.
He decides to eat , nobody sees him leave but I am glad to see that he is nowhere to be seen.
I told everyone including my new daughter in law my other son's partner and nephew's that he had promised to behave and he was only there to see his Grandson get married.
I am waiting for an operation so was not at my best , my Dad knew this and was concerned , biopsies being taken etc ,but I feel he has let everyone down and he has spoilt what was a very special day for all of us .Why did I just not let him come ?
Please advise me.
TIA

As it should be. Regardless he is clearly not a good person! You are minimising his disgusting behaviour really says more about you than the situation. .

Well, why on earth did you invite him? My father was no father and so was not invited to the wedding and definitely not to give me away! No way would he have been on the guest list.

When he asked, I told him we had eloped. I still retained enough feeling that I didn't want to be hurtful and tell him that he had been excluded but I was not going to have him at our wedding.

You let him come out of the goodness of your heart. He let you down miserably but you never expected him to do so. At 80, he probably felt senior enough to give your poor sister and earful!

I'd be very surprised if Jimmy Saville waved at me at a wedding.Don't invite people if you know they're not going to behave.

I received an instinctive slap on the legs from my father after he saved my life when I was about to run in a huff into busy traffic. He was the best father anyone could wish for.

I don't agree with hitting children but as a reaction to what my father felt absolutely no problem. I never did it again.

So your father’s first instinct as your life flashed before you was to slap you rather than hug you…

I can only suggest counselling. You are damaged and can’t seem to acknowledge it. It needs exploring and some. You seem entirely unaware of how dangerous and out of touch your ‘advice’ is.

Politely, someone with "the best father anyone could wish for" is possibly going to find it harder to empathise with genuine, serious childhood emotional and physical abuse at the hands of a parent.

Please stop minimising, it's actually upsetting to those who us who know what it can be like. This is not the place to do whatever you're trying to do here.

There’s a dickhead relative lurking (usually male) who needs a quiet verbal warning by a decent male guest/groom at every single wedding I’ve ever attended. Most of the time I’ve only known as I’ve been told afterwards and then it makes sense as they seemed to suddenly disappear before the evening started. It won’t have spoilt the day at all, a wedding isn’t a wedding without something like this. As long as your sister is ok it’s fine.

What rubbish. I had already had a huge strop over not being allowed another ice cream having just finished one. I've already said I don't agree with physical punishment but condemning someone for my father's reaction is insane. He cuddled me after he got over the shock. It never hurt but it did bring me to my senses. I never ran out into busy traffic again.

The OP has used the words but absolutely nothing about what it entailed

Give over. If it was a complete one off I think it’s sometimes important to remember parents are human too and seeing your children nearly killed through their own stupidity is also traumatic to say the least. Obviously if it was part of a long line of abuse then that’s a completely different story.

I don't think it's fair to say the sister is being difficult by putting up boundaries. Only her, and the OP, know what they lived through and only they as individuals can decide whether they wish to see their dad or not. It's OK for one sibling to feel one way and another sibling another. Sometimes people have different tolerances, sometimes different childhood experiences even though they're siblings.

I agree damaged people can damage others. But there's also an element of choice there. One of my grandparents experienced abuse as a child, she was then abusive to my mum and me, and my mum to me. I struggle to understand this, it's left me with many difficulties but a determination to make sure that it stops with me. I know how it feels, I am sure as hell not going to inflict that on anyone else. The OPs Dad had a choice over his behaviour. The fallout is on him.

So we've had two words. Physical abuse & emotional abuse. There is nothing to say what this was. One person's interpretation of this could be totally different to someone else's. Perhaps if children nowadays were more disciplined they would become more respectful of boundaries. I'll say again I don't believe in hitting children but I have no issue with my fathers reaction to my behaviour when he saved my life.

No, and nor should she disclose if she doesn't want to.

So why jump to conclusions 🤔

Thank you

You're so wrong. Just because one sibling or even multiple still speak to a parent, doesn't mean what they did wasn't bad enough to deserve being cut off by the other. I cut both my abusive parents off, my oldest sibling speaks to both still and sees them, my middle sibling speaks to and sees one but not the other. If a parent does something so bad their child goes no contact for years & has never allowed their children to meet them, I do not feel sorry for them.

With all due respect what an absolutely dreadful situation. I couldn't live like that 😥

I really wish my parents weren't as awful as they are. My oldest sibling is a people pleaser hence their decision. I'm the only one who has kids and with that comes the responsibility of having to ensure people around my kids are good for them/me. Also, being the youngest (6/7 year age gap) I had a much different experience with my parents compared to those two. Sadly my mum's a schizophrenic narcissist who refuses to acknowledge it, and my dad is a domestic abuser with narcissistic personality disorder too. Very messed up childhood hah

All the woman on here bending over backwards to defend a man who’s been emotionally abusive and calling the sister having boundaries “dramatic” is some of the most misogynistic replies I’ve seen on here, absolutely awful

Why do you keep talking about your dad slapping your legs one time when you were a kid? What exactly does that have to do with anything? So you don't feel like you were abused as a child, bully for you. Unless you're the OP's sister I have no idea how or why your childhood experience has anything to do with hers, nor her decision to not have her father in her life?

I agree, that was my take. Why was the best man and ushers getting involved? Why did she need escorting? All sounds a bit over the top tbh when all she needed to do was say “I don’t want to talk to you”.

OP decided to forgive her father for his 'physical and emotional abuse' but still ensured that her children were never left alone with him, so she obviously didn't trust him:

'I decided to give him a second chance as I was an adult and I kept some distance. Our children were never left alone with him because I was protecting them.'

Her sister held firm and made an entirely valid decision not to have anything to do with her abusive father who has shown his true colours by breaking the promise he had made to OP to not approach or speak to her sister, which was a condition of him being invited. OP has also said that his 'menacing' behaviour took her right back to her childhood. She now really regrets inviting him but luckily it hasn't damaged her relationship with her sister.

Your father smacking you due to fear and panic is very different from OP's dad's previous abusive behaviour and his behaviour at her wedding.

Jesus I was expecting something really terrible happening, like the venue burning down or a guest having a heart attack mid-ceremony!

OP, you are hugely catastrophising this!

It was ‘slightly awkward’ at most…most weddings have ‘awkward moments’ like this. Get over it!

I see what you mean qbout him being difficult. I think he was deliberate in his actiond and really wanted to spoil your day.

Dont invite him to anything else and try and forget about it.

Hope you are now feeling less upset and will look back on your Wedding Day with great memories.

Best Regards

🌻X