Wedding disaster advice wanted please.

[Poodlelove]

Our son got married yesterday.
A big wedding in a stately home, son and daughter in law paid for own wedding.
My Dad was invited but he is difficult, he is 80 but is active and well, but my sister and him do not speak and haven't done for 20 years.
Her children who are teenagers have never met him.
He was invited to the wedding on the condition that my dad did not approach my sister or her children.
Dad arrives with his wife and I greet them and introduce them to people and then I see him watching my sister.
I remind him of what was agreed previously and what I had said when the invitation went out and his wife also asks him to respect our wishes.
He then asks what time the food is coming.
This was at 11.45 am but the ceremony was at 1pm .
Around 30 minutes later my sister goes out onto the terrace to speak to other guests.
My Dad gets up and strides across the room and heads straight out there and corners her .
The best man steps in and asks him to move away and is warned to keep away.
He sulks on a sofa in the bar area and everytime my sister is escorted to the toilet by one of the ushers my Dad leans over and tries to wave.
He is given a final warning and then he strides up to our son and daughter in law during the couple only photo session in the grounds and says they feel out of place and unwanted.
Best man and ushers say just go or have your meal then go.
He decides to eat , nobody sees him leave but I am glad to see that he is nowhere to be seen.
I told everyone including my new daughter in law my other son's partner and nephew's that he had promised to behave and he was only there to see his Grandson get married.
I am waiting for an operation so was not at my best , my Dad knew this and was concerned , biopsies being taken etc ,but I feel he has let everyone down and he has spoilt what was a very special day for all of us .Why did I just not let him come ?
Please advise me.
TIA

Your sister sounds over dramatic and baring a grudge asking other people to intervene when approached by someone she doesn’t speak to for over 20 years when all they were doing was waving hardly picking a fight. Total overreaction. Your sister should have not done this no wonder he felt unwelcome.

He approached once, and then waved from
sat down. That isn’t abusive on its own. OP has chosen not to provide any context but that doesn’t automatically mean he’s an abuser.

i can imagine you are disappointment but at the same time it sounds like the best man and usher handled things and the day was not spoilt. You can't beat yourself up for wanting a grandfather to see his grandchild married.

This was realistically never going to work. You should have seen it coming. One or other of them should have been left off the guest list. I obviously don't know the backstory but I'd find it awfully hard to be in a room with my own child who had refused to speak to me for 20 years and not want to speak to them or look into their face. Especially at 80 and thinking time was running out for a reconciliation. Regardless of whose fault this all was in the beginning and the reasons they don't speak, I'd imagine almost every parent would feel the same.

There was always a big risk that it could kick off into a screaming match and really spoil the whole day. I've things like this happen before, in the school playground of all places. I think it was asking too much of your dad, frankly. He obviously felt that he and his DD should be able to speak to one another in a civil fashion and that to stay of her way altogether was unnecessary, heavy handed nonsense designed to almost over-dramatise the whole thing. He probably thought he was trying to be the adult in the room, the bigger person bearing the olive branch etc.

You should have just told your dad your son was having a small wedding. Or told him the truth, that your son had chosen his aunt over him because it was impossible to have both. Or his aunt should have stepped back and let her dad go, in order to avoid any drama. I can't think of anything worse than knowingly putting two estranged and volatile people in a room together on what should be a lovely occasion. I just don't understand why you'd take the risk.

His behaviour was probably characteristically disrespectful. He’s old and therefore unlikely to have changed. He has only succeeded in spoiling your memory of your son’s wedding IF you in your mind allow that to be so.
And you don’t have to do that. You don’t have to HAND him that power. Why would you? So don’t. Do allow yourself a moment or two to be pissed off at him, sure. Don’t allow constant ruminations to effectively worship the problem when there’s so much positive joy to celebrate with a wedding.

Who invited him?

If you encouraged your DS and his now wife to invite him and DS isn’t close to him, then you were unwise to believe he’d behave appropriately.

It sounds like you were having to shoulder a lot of the management of the situation, but I’m sure most of it went unnoticed by the bride and groom (thanks to you!). I’m really sorry to hear you couldn’t relax and enjoy the day, but try not to beat yourself up, hindsight is a wonderful thing! Maybe once they’re back from honeymoon and you’re hopefully feeling a bit better you can arrange a nice get together where you can all look through the wedding photos and enjoy the nice parts of the day

You don't know why they don't speak. Her sister may have very valid reasons for not wanting her dad near her, I know I did.

Continuously waving and approaching someone when they have made it clear they don't want to interact with you is deliberately provoking a situation on a special day.

If he really wanted to make amends there are 364 other days of the year where he could write a letter or pick up a phone.

And "couples only photos" is a pretty standard term that our photographer used.

I concur

I love how some people are very quickly assuming that the father is just some well-meaning bloke who just wants to repair the relationship, even though there is not a single hint from the OP that she feels her sister was being unreasonable

Why assume she is wrong in fearing him and needing protection? Could it be because she's a woman and he is a man? Or he is elderly and therefore right by default?

It's easy to imagine why she might need protection - so why is it easier for some to imagine she is a drama queen?

Yes, internalised misogyny and ageism, I agree.

This man was in his 20s/30s/40s/50s presumably when whatever events unfolded. He's not a 'sweet old man'

Unless I'm not reading between the lines here I'm not sure what the disaster was. Ok, your Dad made things uncomfortable but it doesn't sound like he made a huge scene. Did they get married, yes. Did they have a wonderful day, yes. That's all that matters. Focus on that.

I agree. I'm actually kind of shocked and finding the comments here crazy.

My father was a charismatic, friendly, handsome man who to the outside world was trying to connect with his wayward daughter.

The reality is that I protected him his entire life by distancing myself instead of telling his precious community that he sexually abused me from the age of 7.

It doesn't matter if he is 40 or 99. This man has clearly done something that has hurt OP's sister and if others are stepping in to defend her, then clearly they think she is within her rights not to want him near her.

I am also tired of words like "dramatic" being used In regards to women who have boundaries.

But he was invited no where does it state that this is the reason for her to exclude him for 20 years OP has a relationship with him. Stop speculating to fit some kind of narrative.

And my sister had a relationship with our dad.

I am not saying he sexually abused OP's sister.

But instead of assuming the woman is being dramatic in favour of this man, let's maybe give HER the grace that she may have a good reason.

Why are we assuming he is innocent and she is the one in the wrong. It absolutely is internalised misogyny. Statistically he very likely is the one who has done something bad.

If what you're implying is true, then it's largely on the OP for inviting her father in the first place.

Surely if the reason for being nc was sexual abuse or any other of your suggestions he would not have been invited at all?!

Well yes, she says "Why did I just not let him come", seems to be torturing herself and has disappeared from the thread. Unresolved obligation and guilt most likely being the reason for his invite.

Did your son want to invite him or was it your suggestion?

Sister gets what she wanted, father man handled and warned in public treated like public enemy number 1 whilst OP wonders why it didn’t go better and posts on mumsnet for advice? strange one? Surely when OP mentions wedding to sister wouldn’t they talk how relations might be strained by sister not speaking to an invited guest family she’s refused contact for 20 years.

He was invited on the condition that he didn't approach OP's sister. He ignored that instruction.

He seems to have been invited out of a sense of obligation, not that anyone particularly wanted him there so him feeling unwelcome was probably appropriate.

You describe your dad as “difficult”.

Even the stuff with your sister aside, he approached the bride and groom in the middle of their wedding day to whine to them that he felt out of place and unwanted. Who on earth ever thinks that’s appropriate?

If you were the one that pushed for him to be invited, then you owe everyone a huge apology.

OP are you hungover? When I have had a lot to drink I often feel paranoid and ruminate on what I have said and done the night before. The day afterwards things are back in perspective. I hope that’s the case for you too,

This was obviously unpleasant, but I think you're taking on too much here.

Do you feel guilty? Did you push for your father to attend? I'm just trying to understand why you feel so responsible for it.

Either way, he caused a bit of a kerfuffle but nothing too bad and I'm assuming everyone had fun when he went so all's well that ends well, really!