Wedding disaster advice wanted please.

[Poodlelove]

Our son got married yesterday.
A big wedding in a stately home, son and daughter in law paid for own wedding.
My Dad was invited but he is difficult, he is 80 but is active and well, but my sister and him do not speak and haven't done for 20 years.
Her children who are teenagers have never met him.
He was invited to the wedding on the condition that my dad did not approach my sister or her children.
Dad arrives with his wife and I greet them and introduce them to people and then I see him watching my sister.
I remind him of what was agreed previously and what I had said when the invitation went out and his wife also asks him to respect our wishes.
He then asks what time the food is coming.
This was at 11.45 am but the ceremony was at 1pm .
Around 30 minutes later my sister goes out onto the terrace to speak to other guests.
My Dad gets up and strides across the room and heads straight out there and corners her .
The best man steps in and asks him to move away and is warned to keep away.
He sulks on a sofa in the bar area and everytime my sister is escorted to the toilet by one of the ushers my Dad leans over and tries to wave.
He is given a final warning and then he strides up to our son and daughter in law during the couple only photo session in the grounds and says they feel out of place and unwanted.
Best man and ushers say just go or have your meal then go.
He decides to eat , nobody sees him leave but I am glad to see that he is nowhere to be seen.
I told everyone including my new daughter in law my other son's partner and nephew's that he had promised to behave and he was only there to see his Grandson get married.
I am waiting for an operation so was not at my best , my Dad knew this and was concerned , biopsies being taken etc ,but I feel he has let everyone down and he has spoilt what was a very special day for all of us .Why did I just not let him come ?
Please advise me.
TIA

But also perhaps nothing that bad if the OP and other family were ok to maintain contact. If it was (one of) the worst thing we can all imagine, surely OP would also be no contact and the OPs son wouldn’t have a relationship with his grandad?

Keep perspective. You dad behaved badly and I imagine your sister was uncomfortable. But it sounds like your DS has some very good mates who kept the situation under control. To most of the guests your dad would just be an elderly man behaving a bit weirdly. Your DS and DiL would have had other priorities for their attention, as would the guests. This feels a huge disaster for you, because you feel guilty that you invited him, so you're blowing it out of proportion. For most people (other than your sister) it would be a barely noticed bit of oddness in an otherwise lovely day. This is the mindset you need to aim for. Whenever you think of your dad's behaviour, superimpose a picture of your DS and DiL, happy, on top of it.

Son did not care if he wasn't invited
Daughter in law hadn't met him so she said she would like to if he behaved.
I thought he would be ok and he assured me he would be would follow the plan.

So did you push for him to be invited then? Is he a horrific person who abused your sister?

similar happened but at a birthday party-host wanted dad to be invited and sister who dont talk-i did have to head him off but he diodnt cause a scene in the end it wasnt very relaxing they just theyre right and noone can tell them what to do

I'm sorry this happened @Poodlelove - please don't torment yourself over the day. As others have said, others are unlikely to have noticed as much as you think they did. I think it's likely that a number of people would've put your dad's inappropriate behaviour down to age-related infirmity such as dementia and made allowances. All you can do now is take this as a lesson learned and that you know now for future occasions. As bad as it was, at least he didn't run down the aisle yelling and ranting - or start an actual fist-fight.

The BM and ushers sound like legends. I'd be tempted to send them each a small gift with a note of additional thanks for their help on the day and for dealing with a challenging situation with firmness but discretion, tact and patience.

Best wishes to your DS and his new wife, and I hope you all have lots of many happy future occasions (without bothersome dads) together. Good luck with your health issue as well.

You tried your best to be kind and inclusive. Your family is lucky to have you. x

It made no sense to invite him given you then need to bring in the brigade aka groomsmen to monitor him and keep him away from your sister. Your son didn't care if he was there and your sister doesn't talk to him yet you felt obliged to invite him.

Having said that it doesn't look like he caused too much drama because thankfully the groomsmen were able to keep him away so let it go and move on, and you've learned your lesson, stop trying to involve him in family events when he is obviously a selfish immature man.

He also broke his word. He sounds like an utter arsehole tbh.

Oh wow. If so this changes everything and OP is very definitely unreasonable.

OK so seems that him being there was largely down to you. You made some poor decisions, prioritising your father over your sister and DS/wife. Nothing to be done now, so would apologise to DS, his wife and your sister that you were over optimistic, then move on.

Ah, OP, try not to beat yourself up about this. Doesn't sound like it ruined the day at all. The groomsmen seem to have handled it promptly and tactfully. Focus on the joy of the day and the things that made you smile rather than the things that your twatty dad did, otherwise you will ruin all the memories for yourself - whilst everyone is remembering a lovely day. Congratulations on your son's wedding. And, remember, you now have a lovely new DIL in the family. Focus on the future. Wishing you all the best.

why did you just not let him come

hope, hope he'd be the father you wish for, hope that he could do this one thing for you, hope that you could have a nice day not spoiled by him, that hoe that he wouldn't let you down....

grieve for the father you want and accept the person you have. The manage your expectation by saying NO

I had a similar situation at my wedding, my sister didn't speak to my dad and I asked that he nit talk to or approach her, very awkward as she was my only bridesmaid and he walked down the aisle with me. He managed it , so your father should have been able to in a much lesser role at your sons wedding!

If your son didn't care and your DIL hadn't even met him and your sister doesn't have and doesn't want any contact with him, why on earth did you ask your son and DIL to invite him. If you were paying for the wedding, I could possibly see your logic but if the bride and groom who are paying for everything didn't actually want him there and your sister categorically didn't want him there, why did you push for him to be invited. What were you trying to achieve?

I think if I were your sister, I'd be quite pleased to be honest. Your dad has shown himself up to be a right prick, pissed off a lot of people, and nobody will have been sorry to see him go. I should think everyone else was just having a good time.

Wouldn't let it worry me.

Hardly a disaster. Your dad is a prick but everyone knows that. He didn’t really upset anyone so no harm done. I wouldn’t have invited him personally but not my call.

Your not responsible for your father's behaviour. The guest list at your sons wedding is also not your responsibility. The bride and groom could have chosen to not invite him. You shouldn't have any feelings of guilt over this.

@Poodlelove Only you can answer why you let him come. You acknowledge he can be difficult, but presumably you believed he would abide by your rule wrt your sister so you're disappointed he didn't (particularly given that he would be causing you unnecessary anxiety when you're dealing with a serious health issue). I think you need to keep this in perspective though. He didn't really let everyone down and spoil the day for all of you, did he? It's clear that others intervened to stop him interacting with your sister, but you were aware of his behaviour all day and every time he overstepped, so he let you down and spoilt the day for you and I think this is what you're really upset about - and maybe because you made a commitment on his behalf, to your DS and DIL, and he let you down there too.
You don't say if you have or are planning to speak to him about this, but I would leave it for now and concentrate on your health. Best of luck with your operation and a swift recovery.

I agree. I also feel sorry for his wife - he ignored her pleas to keep the peace too. Imagine having to drive home with the idiot after he behaved so badly and broken his promise to OP. 🙄

I think what matters is how you behave moving forward . It sounds like you organised his invite and he let you down so what do you plan on doing now ?

It is done now…….no point fretting over it although it does sound like the Groomsmen were on it and did their best to prevent escalation of what was evidently an unpleasant situation.

Please don’t dwell on what you cannot change……focus on you now and good luck with the operation 💐

It doesn’t sound like he spoilt the day. There are often dramas at weddings, this sounds like a little one. I wouldn’t worry about it.

As per OP's post that you've quoted, as the bride had never met him before she was happy to have him there "if he behaved". He made a commitment to OP that he would abide by her rule not to approach his other daughter and then broke that commitment - that's on him, not OP (and OP couldn't have known he'd misbehave until the day).
OP's told us that he wanted to see his grandson get married - and that's what OP, not unreasonably, tried to facilitate.
The only person to apportion blame to here is OP's father who sounds like a stubborn, selfish old bugger who seems incapable of behaving like an adult, even after promising to do so.

It must have been a drastic situation if your sister decided on no contact & for 20 yrs without trying to sort it out. What a mess.

Why on earth did you think that this would work?
If mumsnet has taught me one thing is you don't do family reunions after years of NC at a big occasion e.g. a wedding.

Sounds like your DF should not have been invited at all, sounds like he would always be the loose cannon. Sounds like you were the only one bothered about him being there.

Having said all of that, I bet only you and your sister were aware of the situation. Doesn't sound like there was a massive bust up or scene so try to put this behind you.

If you do want them to start communicating, it needs to be at a very low key get together, ideally instigated by your sister &/or DF