To be annoyed none of my friends have come to my concerts?

[LaChanteuse]

I genuinely don't know if I'm BU. I'm in a choir and we have regular concerts. We're an amateur choir but pretty good and tickets are cheap - all proceeds go to charity. Locations are easy to get to - nothing miles away or with difficult parking etc.

I've been in the choir four years and have done about 10 concerts. DH comes every time (even though I've said he doesn't have to - he is the kindest person in the entire world) and my kids come when they can.

My local friends know when the concerts are on but they haven't come to a single one. If the tables were turned I'd be dying to see them performing - I wouldn't go to every concert but I'd go to one at least. AIBU to be annoyed they haven't made the effort? To be clear these are people I'm close to, not acquaintances.

I don't understand MN definition of friends. You can't expect them to come to choir concert, it's boring. I've seen it countless of times. Someone published a book. You can't expect friends to read it, maybe they're not readers, maybe the book is shit, maybe this or that. Your bday and they don't come? Oh people have lives you know, it doesn't revolve around you, grow up. You need any sort of help, however minor? Oh no, that's a MASSIVE ask, you can't expect people not related to you (and even related)...

So what tf are such 'friends' for? What's the purpose of them? The 'chats'? About the weather probably. Anything deeper would be 'you can't just trauma dump on people, go to a therapist, you can't expect them to listen to that'. Getting pissed with , probably. The only reason to meet them. On their schedule, of course.

But tbh after yesterday's funeral thread where multiple people said funerals are boring and a young woman can't possibly be expected to go to support her step-family instead of going to sports event and a gig - nothing surprises me anymore.

YANBU OP, of course. Choirs are not my thing that much (although some can be quite good), but I'd definitely come at least once if I'd be your actual friend. I'd also come to your bday, help you move houses if asked, listen to you of you're sad, offer to babysit/petsit occasionally, if needed, read a book if you wrote one. That's what my friends and I do for each other and none of us consider it some MASSIVE favours at all. Because they aren't.

Well I wouldn't be able to just move forward. I would be forever living under the cloud of worry that one day you might just say "what did you think"?

To me it's not about being interested in choirs, it's about being interested in a friend

See i think its enough for friends to chat to you or hear about it, they don't have to buy tickets if its not their sort of thing.

Does the choir struggle for audiences? If so then that is different issue. You cannot rely on friends as an audience for your hobby any more than you can rely on them as customers for your business venture.

Are there any performances of your choir on YouTube, OP?

If you could send them a link to two or three songs, at least they'd have some idea as to whether they would absolutely love it, have a reasonably enjoyable evening out supporting a friend or simply could not abide it.

Surely a friend would spare you a few minutes to listen to a couple of your songs at their leisure when they have some idle time?

I would go to support my friend.

maybe the book is shit,

You have reminded me of someone I know who (self) published their memories. I bought the book to show support, I even went as far as reading it, but oh how I wish I hadn't. The only reason it made any sense was because I knew the person, knew how they spoke, knew of many of the events they'd written about, and knew that that when they speak their sentences are frequently in the wrong order - it's very easy to make sense of it face to face, but written down it requires a lot of re-reading to understand what's being said.

I was lucky, in that I was interested in the person and therefore interested in reading about them. I am not interested in fiction books of any kind, so while I may buy a work of fiction to support a friend, I would never open it.

“My DH has no interest in choirs whatsoever, but he comes every time because he knows the effort I put in and wants to support me.”
Yes, it’s the kind of thing you do as a supportive spouse/parent/child. I don’t think it goes beyond that. Friends don’t tend to go and support each others’ amateur hobbies, eg netball matches - that’s something usually only close family bother with.

Unless you are a soloist or the choir is tiny, your friends won’t hear you sing, just see you standing there. If they don’t especially like the music your choir sings theres no real incentive to go. I love singing and choral music but never go to amateur concerts. I’d only go to amateur plays if close family were in them , not friends.

But you are actually interested in performance because you do it yourself. So going to see it would be within the milieu of your interests.

I would rather have teeth pulled. I’d go for a spouse or child because that love, but I wouldn’t for a friend. I’m glad my friends have activities they are passionate about.

I don’t need them to read my articles or buy my products; being my friend is enough. And I don’t need to see their brass band or play or concert either. That doesn’t mean I don’t care about them or that I’m not a good friend.

I've been to see friends of friends in an amateur choir a few times - all proceeds to charity - the music is always good and the choir is very professional but OMG those church seats are SO bloody uncomfortable.

But I'd go at least once if you were my friend.

I do think people are very time poor now compared to the past, and are tired. I juggle work and children and am constantly exhausted. I don't even have time to do the exercise i want to do for myself, let alone give up an evening to go and watch a friend in something.

Things that have changed:

• transport, tickets and babysitter cost astronomical amounts now
• my mum and dad would have saved time by grabbing a cheap takeaway for a saturday night dinner before/after going to this sort of thing. Its too expensive now
• housing is so expensive that people live further and further from work amd spend ages commuting.
• employers expect ever longer working hours. My dad used to leave his office at 4.30 and could be home by 5pm. My husband is rarely out before 6.30 and isnt home til 7.45 due to commute.

People have their own lives.

I have a friend who plays in an orchestra and regularly invites me to concerts and free events and I have never attended. They are either evenings , when I’m too busy with my children and work, or the weekends that are precious to me because I work full time.

It doesn’t mean I am not proud of her it just means my own life comes first and in all honesty, I have no interest in watching an orchestra it’s not my thing and I would be bored.

I’m an author and the most posted about annoyance in the writing world is that friends and family don’t read people’s books. I always say it’s like them coming to see your job and chances of it being something they’re interested in is tiny but I do get it.

It's not hard to focus positively on their enthusiasm or 'strong sound' or something, but maybe say that you're not overly struck on that genre of music.

It doesn't have to be either you were the most amazing choir to ever grace the earth and I will never miss a single minute of your performances as long as I live, or you were a cacaphonous musical binfire and I now want to have my ears surgically blocked off.

I would go along to support you, if you were my friend, @LaChanteuse ! I'm going against the grain here, but if a friend of mine was engaged in something like this, and it raised funds for charity, I'd definitely go. I don't understand why people would think it's boring, it's music! I've been to plays, dance events, music recitals and art exhibitions because they involved friends.
Were they all to my taste? No, but sometimes I just like to support friends, plus it's good to get out of your comfort zone!

Do they not see that reading a book is a massive commitment? Buying it is the easy part, and I will do that. Read it, almost never.

Is it something like rock choir? In which case hard no. Is it classical chamber choir, then maybe if it's decent

We're an amateur choir but pretty good

For me this is the problem. I love choirs and concerts. An amateur choir who is pretty good would not be something I want to see / hear. I want it done properly by professionals or I won't bother going to see it. It just wouldn't be something I'd enjoy.

Hearing a beautiful piece butchered by an amateur choir, wouldn't be my idea of fun.

No, but the fear of being asked can weigh heavy 😂

You say your friends all know when your choir events are happening but there's a difference between remembering vaguely that you have mentioned a concert in July and remembering exactly where and when. Do you ask friends to put up posters advertising your events? Do you post on FB and ask them to share? Do you mention in a group chat, say you would love them to come along and offer to book their tickets?

I would go to the odd performances but I must admit going to watch a choir wouldn't be my thing.

Fuck I’d hate this. It’s harder to say “hell no!” when someone is waving a poster in your face and saying “I’ll book the tickets for you!” Not fair to do that to someone.

You seem to have genuine difficulty imagining how other people might feel about things. To the extent that it doesn’t seem to be a concept you understand.

Christ it’s like in Friends when they all go to see Joey in a play and they’re bagsying which bland phrase they can use to sound vaguely positive and supportive.

“The lighting was great…”

I know a few people who are in similar groups, am dram, choirs and so on. They mention it in conversation and i go "oh that's nice" or similar but I don't go. Its their hobby and enjoyment not mine. YABU