AIBU to ask my friend to stop her child pestering people in a restaurant?

[Letsblameitallonperi]

I was meeting up with a friend Zoey today I hadn’t seen for a few weeks, I was really looking forward to seeing her.

We had arranged to have lunch in a proper restaurant (not the usual child friendly places) and I was hoping we could have some wine and adult conversation.
Almost every time I meet up with Zoey she has brought at least one of her two kids and it’s been difficult to talk properly.

It’s frustrating because her husband has even offered to look after them when we meet on a Friday because he has an early finish, Zoey often just laughs and says “oh it’s ok wildhorses likes to spend time with the kids” or something along those lines. Last time her husband could obviously tell I wasn’t impressed and gave me a regretful shrug, he tried pushing it but Zoey ignored him so I know it’s definitely not her husband behind this.

I posted on mumsnet a few months ago and was asked if it was possibly her husband being controlling and making her take the kids or refusing to look after them, I think I can confidently say that’s not the case, the last time he offered he seemed to be frustrated when Zoey turned down his offer and even asked if she didn’t trust him with his own kids, Zoey just laughs and insists I’m happy with the situation.
I was also given advice to suggest just one on one time and say I’d like to see her alone in a more adult environment, I followed this advice and told Zoey I wanted her advice on something I was really struggling with and wanted to talk to her properly as we can never discuss anything when she’s distracted by the kids.

I was surprised she actually agreed and so I wasn’t impressed when I turned up to see she had her daughter with her (it seems to be always her 8 year old daughter Cara she brings) and she said we could have a “girls afternoon”.

I was so pissed off I nearly walked out, I thought I’d been clear and Zoey knows I’m having a really rough time and I just wasn’t up for entertaining her daughter or listening to her many many stories.
I asked where Adam (her husband) was and if he was looking after her other child, Zoey said yes but Cara wanted to come.

It wasn’t a great day, everything we talked about was met with “who is that mum?” “Why did she do that?” “What does that mean?” When I gave up trying to have a conversation Zoey encouraged Cara to tell me all her “news” and I can assure you it was gripping stuff 🤦🏼‍♀️.

I was just going to leave and decided the friendship was over and there was no point having any big discussions or explaining I’d had enough, I realised Zoey just wasn’t interested enough to meet me alone and I wasn’t wasting my free time having “girlie lunches” with a 8 year old.

Just before we left Cara insisted on a pudding and as we were waiting there was a group of 4 women at the next table in their twenties/thirties who looked like they were having a great time laughing and drinking wine.
Cara went over to their table and started talking to them, they were polite but obviously weren’t that happy to be disturbed, after a few minutes one woman said “I think your mummy is waiting for you to go back to your table”
I waited for Zoey to tell her to come back but she waved her hand and said “ohh it’s fine she loves chatting to new people”

Thats when I had finally had enough, I told Zoey that Cara might like it but not everyone wants to be best friends with an 8 year old and that was a polite way for them to tell Cara to fuck off. Cara was out of earshot for that remark but obviously Zoey wasn’t happy, she told me I was an intolerant child - hating bitch who was clearly regretting my choice to not have kids and I was jealous of the bond she has with her daughter.

I’m not proud but I retaliated by saying she was obsessed with Cara and that’s obviously because she wasn’t mature enough to see her friends her own age and that even her husband seemed to think it was odd. I said other friends were absolutely fed up of Cara coming everywhere, sulking when she wasn’t invited to weddings, attempts to bring her on nights out and even spa days, I said she’d made Cara her whole identify and was selfish, boring and I hoped Cara would let her join in at birthday parties and her play dates because her friends were all sick of her.

We didn’t make a scene in the restaurant, it wasn’t shouting or anything, more hissed insults. Cara wasn’t upset and just sat eating her pudding and listening as usual, I’m surprised we didn’t get feedback from her.

In the end I just walked away and I am now cringing at how pathetic it was that two adults in their forties were arguing with a child listening.
I haven’t heard from Zoey and I think I’ll block her, I’ve spoken to another friend who said she knows I’m struggling with a lot and she wasn’t surprised I’d got upset when I’d asked for support from my best friend and been ignored and then made to feel like I was unreasonable for wanting some time with her alone.

The main thing that pissed me off and the reason I posted was the fact Zoey wasn’t just bothered about ruining our day but she would have let Cara stay pestering the women at the next table, it just made me realise how selfish she has become.
I want to know if I was unreasonable for asking Zoey to tell Cara to come away from the other table or if I was just projecting my own annoyance and the women probably didn’t mind that much?
I have had a very difficult few weeks with a bereavement, I’ve just had surgery and I’m having mood swings from perimenopause, I’d appreciate honest opinions if I overreacted or not?

I expect some people will tell me IWBU and it’s normal to love your children and be proud of them, I hope there are a few others though that would have finally had enough and snapped?

The post was long but easy to read and provided all the necessary information without later drip-feeding.

If your theory is correct, Zoey should have just declined the invitation. I don't think it is correct btw. She obviously loves any opportunity to bring her daughter along to adult meet ups uninvited where she can impress other adults with her precocity.

I remember your previous post.

I think this has been a long time coming. It’s unfortunate that her child was there but I don’t think you’d have had chance to say it without her.

I would block her and move on.

@BMW6 That was my honest opinion of the situation and this is AIBU. I'm not naturally a "gobshite" I don't think, I often post in full support of an OP and with thoughtfulness to other posters (including to you very recently).

YANBU about feeling this way about have Cara attending every lunch date etc, but YABU stating that everyone is sick of Cara infront of her. That's pretty hurtful stuff for an 8 year old to hear. I don't think you need to worry about texting her or blocking her, I'd be really surprised if you hear from Zoey again.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. I would have said something way before you did. Your friend is crazy and obviously cant see that any grown woman doesn't not want to spend their downtime with someone else's 8 year old. I think you should leave it until she contacts you,if she doesn't then it's a shame but this friendship wasn't making you happy anyway.

“I know it’s a horrible thing to say about a child and 8 is a difficult age”
It’s not a difficult age! It’s one of the easiest ages there is - out of the early years where they need everything doing for them and you have to watch them constantly, but before the teenage attitude begins to show. You can have really enjoyable chats and time spent together at that age.
It’s not the age, it’s the child and how she’s clearly been treated like the world revolves around her.

YANBU btw.

I agree, all the OP’s posts are very articulate and easy to read.

well done, OP. Stick to it, your life will be better for it, and maybe it will encourage others in your friend group to be firmer in refusing to have the child at adult activities like a spa.

FWIW, i was once in a group where a child was behaving like this. One friend - after repeated polite attempts to send it back to its parents - stood up, took the child (gently, before everyone gets their knickers in a twist), spoke to the parents and then came back, without the child, and we carried on.

Apparently she said if child comes back we will be teaching it the best swear words, and telling it to ask it's parents what wanking is.

🤣

I was friends with someone and our DDs are the same age.
The worst thing is when you go out having left your DD and then they bring theirs and think you are going to be totally fascinated by them.
Her DD was also very attention seeking and would listen to the conversation and repeat every word back to her dad etc. Nope.

I voted that you were BU. Not for wanting to spend time with your friend without her daughter there, obviously, but for how the situation ended up hissing at one another in the restaurant.

When she is insisting to her husband that you like spending time with her daughter and he is giving you sympathetic looks - that is when you should have said "actually Zoey I would like to spend some adult time with just you so thanks Dave that is great if you can look after both kids this time".

It sounds as though this friendship is over. You probably should have ended it sooner, but now that you have (in her mind) blamed everything on her daughter then I expect she has called time.

Assume you are no longer friends and don't dwell on it.

Nope, I have 2 kids and even id be sick of this behaviour

Just to jump to the worst possible conclusion - but could she perhaps actually not trust her husband with her daughter and that’s why she never leaves her? Is the other child a girl or boy? Younger or older? We never know what goes on behind close doors and it is odd that she never wants to leave her daughter (but is happy to leave the other, I think was mentioned somewhere?)

I do feel sorry for Cara being brought up this way as she’s going to end up totally enmeshed with her mother and it’s extremely unhealthy for her.
However, that’s Zoey’s fault and not your problem.
I think many people would understand that this was the last straw for you - you have my sympathy and I wonder whether Zoey was ever really the good friend you thought she was. People don’t suddenly become entirely self-absorbed overnight.

YANBU but OP you need to learn to let go…..

This is a really bitchy post. You could have made the exact same point without the unnecessary digs.

Besides which, the thing you're missing is that lots of people on here remember OP's previous thread, where she explained that Zoey has done this repeatedly, to all of their friends, in big meet ups and small.

So for your theory to be correct Zoey would have to secretly be sick of all her friends, but instead of just slowly freezing them out and making excuses to not meet up she spends time and money repeatedly coming to events with her dd in the hope they will eventually get sick of her and tell her to not bother coming. When they do she will ignore it and do the same thing again, and then they'll really blow their top and save her the effort of ending the friendship. Because that is somehow easier and less awkward?

Look, you are both in different places. She is in fully absorbed kiddie mode and can’t see that no one else thinks her DC are adorable.

I love kids, but my own, no one else’s.

That said, why can’t you get her support on the phone? I’m a very busy working mum and I would be a bit pushed to drop everything and come listen to your problems. Why can’t you call her up to discuss?

Got lumped in a flat at halls of residence with a Cora. Her mum, who had given birth to her late compared to others, insisted on coming to stay with her for ‘the Uni experience’ one weekend each term. Her mum had never been to Uni. And she wanted to do the whole nine yards. And she was early 50’s. I’m not much older and couldn’t think of anything worse.
She once got us to call her mum to tell her she needed looking after - she had a cold! Her dad drove her mum over and she stayed in bed with her for two nights. We all had it, basically fought over a few sachets of Lemsip and got on with it.
Even though she ‘went away’ to Uni she didn’t settle. And this was before mobile phones! Her mum was a nice lady but it used to drive us mad!!!

What happened at the spa? I remember reading about the fact she might come but not what actually happened.

Yanbu btw

It also crossed my mind that Cara might be, justifiably or erroneously, afraid of being left with Adam and Zoey is desperate to keep this a secret and maybe overcompensating by centering and spoiling Cara. (The fact that the other child doesn't mind may not be relevant.)

Otherwise, the dynamic is completely unhealthy; Adam and Zoe each need child-free time and the children need time with each parent. And if Cara genuinely wants "a girls' afternoon" or "girlie lunches" (misleading expressions, as Cara is actually a girl but her mother and her mother's friends are not) then it would be nicer for her if Zoey took her out on her own, or invited one or more of Cara's same-age friends along.

I think your response was unfortunate and you probably feel regretful and guilty about that, which may be why you're focusing on this so much. However, after she told me I was an intolerant child - hating bitch who was clearly regretting my choice to not have kids and I was jealous of the bond she has with her daughter I'd be pretty much finished with Zoey too.

OP, those things you said were the things we all wish we’d said in the hours following an argument when we regret not having said them! Well done!

U aren't. That person is talking 💩

I had a friend like this. It never stopped. Her daughter is an adult now and I see on Facebook that every single time she goes out with any friends the daughter is still there. It wasn't for me so I pulled away - it was the assumption that I wanted her to be there when I never ever invited her myself! I have two now grown children of my own and I never brought them along!!

As a mother with an 8 year old and we are on the spectrum….you are not being unreasonable OP.

I don’t know the word for it, but it kinda sounds like she’s forcing the child to participate in adult settings as an emotional crutch (similar to parentifying, but… friendifying?).

My mum did this and it’s very unhealthy. The kid will grow up thinking she’s on par with adults and that can lead to very dangerous situations. Prime grooming material because she won’t be able to tell inappropriate adults apart.