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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSD going to Wimbledon and a concert instead of my mums funeral

587 replies

GillieLo · 04/07/2025 21:12

My mum passed recently, this wasn’t a shock as she had been ill for a while but none the less we are devastated.

I have 2 bio children and DSD who has been in my life for 8 years, she was friendly with my mum and my mum has left her just as much as she has her other grandchildren.

DSD said she couldn’t come to the funeral as work was busy and she couldn’t get time off, she’s 24.

Tonight my DD has shown me her instagram stories. Up at 4am queuing for Wimbledon, seems to have spent the day there and is now at Hyde park seeing Gracie Abrams and Noah Kahan.

AIBU to be unbelievably pissed off this is why she didn’t come to my mums funeral when my mum has left her 15k?

I was understanding when it was work but a concert and Wimbledon?!!

DHs response is “she’s young she probably had these plans for a while and we all grieve differently”.

OP posts:
socialdilemmawhattodo · 04/07/2025 22:57

My view. Your DH probably knew - he is the big issue on the lie. Your DD is stirring - i would be looking hard at HOW THEY (dd and dsd) BOTH interact. Your DD is sounding like a bitch to me. Your Mum sounds amazing - her care for your WHOLE family. I would try to copy her approach. She loved you so much to ensure your whole family mattered. Incredible woman. ❤️

Original poster
GillieLo · 04/07/2025 22:57

Timetochillnow · 04/07/2025 22:56

I think she was wrong to lie but I see now that she’s passing it of as a change of circumstance and she’d forgotten the funeral date - something a 24 yr old who doesn’t live with you might well do.

did she know she had an inheritance coming? Just curious as I actually don’t think it affects anything other than how lovely that your mum thought well of her and wanted to treat her the same as her other grandchildren. I’m glad she did the charity fundraiser whilst your mum could appreciate her obvious support

I’m not sure if she knows actually, I assumed DH told her but I’m not sure if he did actually.

OP posts:
Extiainoiapeial · 04/07/2025 22:57

Moveoverdarlin · 04/07/2025 22:53

Go to Wimbledon, enjoy the concert, live life. I wouldn’t want any 24 year old to miss out on fun to sit at a morbid funeral. I don’t particularly want my kids going to my parents funerals. It’s morbid, if you have a better offer, go, go, go.

Yeah forget those who care for you, just go go go, WTAF!

What about supporting those who were left behind?

Roosch · 04/07/2025 22:58

Flux1 · 04/07/2025 22:54

I think she was being selfish and immature. So many people on here expect stepmums to treat kids equally but evidently don't expect it to work both ways. You sound lovely. Sorry for your loss xx

Exactly.

AnyoneWhoHasAHeart · 04/07/2025 23:00

Roosch · 04/07/2025 22:43

This exactly.

It hurts because your mum considered her a grandchild, but she didn’t consider your mum a grandparent.

It hurts because she’s making an elaborate lie about forgetting a family funeral. Not exactly possible when the family chat is presumably focused on that.

It hurts because she is clearly not sad.

Show quote history

People are quick to point out that grandparents have no obligation to view step children as family, but apparently that only works one way?

and saying she’s not sad or doesn’t deserve an inheritance is ridiculous.

funerals are bloody awful things, and let’s be honest here. Most people only go to funerals because they feel they should.

on the face of it no it’s not great that she lied, but she would have been in the wrong whatever she did.

personally I won’t be having a funeral. Will save on the expectation, and also the fake mourners who will come crawling out of the woodwork.

direct cremation all the way.

Moveoverdarlin · 04/07/2025 23:00

Extiainoiapeial · 04/07/2025 22:57

Yeah forget those who care for you, just go go go, WTAF!

What about supporting those who were left behind?

Show quote history

She was a step granddaughter who has only known her 8 years. She’s 24, too much pressure is on her to support the family

Willyoujustbequiet · 04/07/2025 23:00

Screamingabdabz · 04/07/2025 21:24

She left her £15k and she couldn’t even be arsed to pay her respects? I am pretty tolerant about the arrogance of youth but this is next level disrespect. She’s a bad apple.

This.

I'm usually on the side of the stepchildren in such matters but I think her behaviour is appalling. So disrespectful.

I'm sorry for your loss.

ManchesterLu · 04/07/2025 23:01

It's a bit hurtful she felt she had to lie to you.

But to be honest, if it was my funeral, I would rather nobody came! I would rather they ALL spent the day doing something happy, that they loved, and really wanted to do. Nobody has a good time at a funeral. It's literally just a ritualistic event that's somehow survived from centuries ago, where people gather round a body. Why? You can remember the person you've lost, and celebrate their lives, in so many ways.

If your DSD had such a big day planned, and was going to have a wonderful time, why would you want her to go and sit in a stuffy church and cry?

Your mum left her £15k because she wanted her to have £15k. It wasn't payment for funeral attendance.

SleepyLemur · 04/07/2025 23:01

I am sorry for your loss. She definitely should not have lied to you and at her age I would have gone out of gratitude for your mother's very generous gift if nothing else (hope I would have gone to say goodbye and support you too of course). However, she was not her grandmother, so it is a bit different than your children.

I did have a few thoughts. Might she feel awkward there as a step child? Is there anything in her past that a funeral might bring back bad memories of (so she would try to avoid them)?

24 is still very young for some people though in terms of always being completely empathetic about these things and prioritising correctly. Although it is insensitive of her and worse she lied, I would try to let it go. It is more important how she treated your mother when she was alive. I also think that many grandmothers would prefer to think of their grandchildren having a good time at a concert than at a funeral anyway.

Mumble12 · 04/07/2025 23:02

Presumably the lying was to save your feelings. Not right but the right thought. If she’s said “I’ve got concert tickets” would you have preferred to hear that?

SleepyLemur · 04/07/2025 23:04

Mumble12 · 04/07/2025 23:02

Presumably the lying was to save your feelings. Not right but the right thought. If she’s said “I’ve got concert tickets” would you have preferred to hear that?

Yes this too. She may have incorrectly have been trying to save your feelings .

DiscoBob · 04/07/2025 23:04

It does seem a shame but if it was sudden and she had tickets booked, I guess she felt to prioritise that. I wouldn't do that personally.

Some people do find funerals quite distressing. Does she know she's been left £15k? Not that someone should attend funerals purely because they think there's a paycheck in it for them.

JIMER202 · 04/07/2025 23:05

It’s the lying that is disgusting and her ingratitude to being left (very kindly) the same inheritance as your mother’s biological Grandchildren.
I doubt she already had tickets or she would have told you. Her dad is a right arse as well with not calling her out on it.

Namerequired · 04/07/2025 23:06

AnyoneWhoHasAHeart · 04/07/2025 23:00

People are quick to point out that grandparents have no obligation to view step children as family, but apparently that only works one way?

and saying she’s not sad or doesn’t deserve an inheritance is ridiculous.

funerals are bloody awful things, and let’s be honest here. Most people only go to funerals because they feel they should.

on the face of it no it’s not great that she lied, but she would have been in the wrong whatever she did.

personally I won’t be having a funeral. Will save on the expectation, and also the fake mourners who will come crawling out of the woodwork.

direct cremation all the way.

Show quote history

I just had a close family member do this and it’s awful!! There’s no closure, no saying goodbye. They died suddenly and unexpectedly and it was just a case of hey your child, sibling, parent has died. Ok we’ll get the ashes to you. We didn’t get to see them, have a service, nothing. We are all really struggling with it.

Inyournewdress · 04/07/2025 23:09

I am so sorry for your loss, and I am sorry that at this time you haven’t had the support from your DSD that you clearly deserve. I don’t think your DH should have made silly excuses for her either. Who knows the truth of her recent explanations, but it doesn’t sound good. She should have been there if at all possible to support you and your DDs, not causing any additional stress.

I’d feel upset too. The fact that you ultimately are so reasonable and level headed about letting things go and continuing in affection for your DSD shows what a lovely person you are for her to have in her life. Fair minded, reasonable and loving….exactly how your mum comes across in her choice to leave DSD an equal amount. Your mum was obviously a wonderful lady who raised a lovely daughter.

nomas · 04/07/2025 23:09

I wish your mum hadn’t left her any money.

DSD was 16 when you met so your mum had zero obligations to her.

Do you know why your mum did that?

WearyAuldWumman · 04/07/2025 23:09

Namerequired · 04/07/2025 23:06

I just had a close family member do this and it’s awful!! There’s no closure, no saying goodbye. They died suddenly and unexpectedly and it was just a case of hey your child, sibling, parent has died. Ok we’ll get the ashes to you. We didn’t get to see them, have a service, nothing. We are all really struggling with it.

Show quote history

I'm no longer in touch with my late husband's ex, but I recall that she was distressed to find that her sister had organised a direct cremation for herself.

peppasfriendsmum · 04/07/2025 23:10

I think it’s extremely kind of your mum to have left her anything- that much money is LOADS!

DSD should have been honest as it’s a bit shitty of a 24 year old adult to lie in this situation I think.

SemperIdem · 04/07/2025 23:11

It’s really poor behaviour from a 24 year old adult.

nomas · 04/07/2025 23:11

AnyoneWhoHasAHeart · 04/07/2025 23:00

People are quick to point out that grandparents have no obligation to view step children as family, but apparently that only works one way?

and saying she’s not sad or doesn’t deserve an inheritance is ridiculous.

funerals are bloody awful things, and let’s be honest here. Most people only go to funerals because they feel they should.

on the face of it no it’s not great that she lied, but she would have been in the wrong whatever she did.

personally I won’t be having a funeral. Will save on the expectation, and also the fake mourners who will come crawling out of the woodwork.

direct cremation all the way.

Show quote history

Why does the DSD deserve an inheritance? No one is owed one.

She hasn’t behaved like a granddaughter.

DelphiniumBlue · 04/07/2025 23:11

I'm wondering why your Mum would leave her such a large sum (that she could have given to her own GC) when she's only known SD since she was almost an adult. Clearly SD didn't consider your Mum as family.

NerrSnerr · 04/07/2025 23:12

This thread has made me want to tell everyone I know that they 100% do not mind if they go to a sporting event and/ or concert instead of my funeral. That’s a much better way to spend the day. If they’d prefer to stay in bed all day that’s fine too. If I leave people money it won’t come with strings- it’ll be because they were good to me when I’m alive, once I’m dead the best thing they can do for me is live life to the full.

nomas · 04/07/2025 23:13

SleepyLemur · 04/07/2025 23:04

Yes this too. She may have incorrectly have been trying to save your feelings .

Show quote history

And that makes it ok? Who puts pictures on Insta? A thoughtless, selfish person.

Roosch · 04/07/2025 23:15

DelphiniumBlue · 04/07/2025 23:11

I'm wondering why your Mum would leave her such a large sum (that she could have given to her own GC) when she's only known SD since she was almost an adult. Clearly SD didn't consider your Mum as family.

Exactly.

Only thing to do now is not make the same mistake in your own will!

latetothefisting · 04/07/2025 23:16

Moveoverdarlin · 04/07/2025 23:00

She was a step granddaughter who has only known her 8 years. She’s 24, too much pressure is on her to support the family

Show quote history

What?
Did you mean to type 14 rather than 24?
She could have joined the army, had a child and worked full time for the last 8 years.

Nobody is saying she has to be the sole emotional, financial, and physical support for an entire family, or that she has to organise the whole funeral and give a speech. Just that theyd have appreciated it if she could be there to give her teenage stepsister a hug. It's not much to ask. Its not as if she was expected to give up the whole day, literally just an hour or two. OP has said she could absolutely have gone to the concert afterwards.