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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSD going to Wimbledon and a concert instead of my mums funeral

587 replies

GillieLo · 04/07/2025 21:12

My mum passed recently, this wasn’t a shock as she had been ill for a while but none the less we are devastated.

I have 2 bio children and DSD who has been in my life for 8 years, she was friendly with my mum and my mum has left her just as much as she has her other grandchildren.

DSD said she couldn’t come to the funeral as work was busy and she couldn’t get time off, she’s 24.

Tonight my DD has shown me her instagram stories. Up at 4am queuing for Wimbledon, seems to have spent the day there and is now at Hyde park seeing Gracie Abrams and Noah Kahan.

AIBU to be unbelievably pissed off this is why she didn’t come to my mums funeral when my mum has left her 15k?

I was understanding when it was work but a concert and Wimbledon?!!

DHs response is “she’s young she probably had these plans for a while and we all grieve differently”.

OP posts:
Shenmen · 04/07/2025 23:17

Unrelated38 · 04/07/2025 21:16

I wouldn't go to a funeral instead of a concert I'd bought tickets for. Your mum doesn't care who was there. Funerals are for the living and no one should be obliged to attend.

Really? I 100% go to a funeral rather than a concert. Concerts happen every single day in London. Funerals of people I've know for a third of my life and cared enough about me to leave me any money have happened twice and I'm 51.
It's also not just for the dead (who don't give a shit) it's about their nearest relatives and paying respect. Showing that their loved one was worth sacrificing time and effort for. Rather than a gig or some sport that happens every year.

therealtrunchbull · 04/07/2025 23:17

Fringle · 04/07/2025 22:19

And along come the mothers whose relationships went down the plug hole and who can’t find any sympathy or consideration for a stepmum…

Exactly. The OP has just lost her mum, who sounds like a lovely and inclusive step nan. I would be heartbroken if my DSC couldn’t find it in themselves to come to my mums funeral.

The way some posters have dragged the OP and even her 17 year old daughter is disgraceful. It’s like some get a really nasty kick out of being as hurtful as they can to any stepmum.

I am sorry about your mum, OP. I think your DSD has been incredibly selfish. It ‘slipping her mind’ about your mother’s funeral makes it worse.

Autumn38 · 04/07/2025 23:18

Unrelated38 · 04/07/2025 21:16

I wouldn't go to a funeral instead of a concert I'd bought tickets for. Your mum doesn't care who was there. Funerals are for the living and no one should be obliged to attend.

Ok, so how about DSD shows her step mother some support then?

Shenmen · 04/07/2025 23:20

NerrSnerr · 04/07/2025 23:12

This thread has made me want to tell everyone I know that they 100% do not mind if they go to a sporting event and/ or concert instead of my funeral. That’s a much better way to spend the day. If they’d prefer to stay in bed all day that’s fine too. If I leave people money it won’t come with strings- it’ll be because they were good to me when I’m alive, once I’m dead the best thing they can do for me is live life to the full.

It's nothing to do with you, it's far more to do with your closest relatives. Surely people understand this.
I don't know if you have parents still, or a partner or kids, but if you do, and you died tomorrow it would be them who would be wondering why no one turned up to pay their respects. They would think no one cared about you or them which would add to their grief.

ARichtGoodDram · 04/07/2025 23:21

Why does the DSD deserve an inheritance? No one is owed one.

Because the granny wanted her to have it. No one else's opinion matters

She hasn’t behaved like a granddaughter.

She wasn't treated like one either given the funeral was worked round all the "closer" family's availability - including grandchildren -, but not her

So it's swings and roundabouts with that one

Flamingoknees · 04/07/2025 23:23

I'd be annoyed about the lies. She's obviously not bothered about supporting you. Very poor behaviour. I'd think differently if she'd had tickets for ages, and told the truth.

RampantIvy · 04/07/2025 23:28

Unrelated38 · 04/07/2025 21:16

I wouldn't go to a funeral instead of a concert I'd bought tickets for. Your mum doesn't care who was there. Funerals are for the living and no one should be obliged to attend.

So, why lie about it then?

Twonewcats · 04/07/2025 23:28

While she shouldn't have lied, I'm appalled at the comments which suggest you tell her she doesnt deserve the inheritance!! That would be spiteful beyond words. Plus, who are any of you to decide whether someone deserves an inheritance from someone else ?!

CaptainFuture · 04/07/2025 23:29

Mumble12 · 04/07/2025 21:49

Of course she was intentionally stirring things up. What else was she hoping to gain by revealing that she wasn’t
where you thought she was?

Show quote history

This....all the oh buts for dd, nothing for stepdaughter....🤨

Roomwithaview2019 · 04/07/2025 23:31

DHs response is “she’s young she probably had these plans for a while and we all grieve differently”.

No!! This is an unacceptable answer. We see so many threads here where step grandparents leave out the step kids and the hurt it causes and so in the interest of fairness it has to work the other way too. You're husband doesn't see you all as a family? If it was a blood relative would he say the same. Take the 15k off her. She doesn't deserve it. If it were me id be straight on the phone to call her out if I was her dad.

Resetqueen · 04/07/2025 23:33

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

AllyDally · 04/07/2025 23:36

I actually cant believe you are complaining she wasnt there, you didn't even check the date with her, the most important people are your children, I imagine you made sure your DD was able to come?

I get the lying is out of order but you didnt think of her when booking so no right to be annoyed she didn't go.

EdisinBurgh · 04/07/2025 23:36

This is very bad behaviour given the background - rude, disrespectful, spoilt, selfish.

Her father should tell her as much. So she has chance to be a better person in future. Agree with other posters that she sounds like a bad apple

Norwegianwood35 · 04/07/2025 23:38

OP I can understand why you are upset. Regardless of whether she was getting any inheritance or not, I would have expected her to go to the funeral.

I have been to funerals where I have not known the person who passed but I’ve went because it was a friend/work colleague and was there to support them. When my parents died, people I worked with attended to support me.
Maybe it’s a culture thing.

SunnyFTM567 · 04/07/2025 23:40

She's a selfish arsehole who really didn't give a shit about your mum or you really. 24 really isn't that young. At all. She just doesn't care. I couldn't help seeing her differently from now on.

CaptainFuture · 04/07/2025 23:42

socialdilemmawhattodo · 04/07/2025 22:57

My view. Your DH probably knew - he is the big issue on the lie. Your DD is stirring - i would be looking hard at HOW THEY (dd and dsd) BOTH interact. Your DD is sounding like a bitch to me. Your Mum sounds amazing - her care for your WHOLE family. I would try to copy her approach. She loved you so much to ensure your whole family mattered. Incredible woman. ❤️

Wonder if the innocent wide eyed dd is angling for her dss share of inheritance....

Flossflower · 04/07/2025 23:43

Autumn38 · 04/07/2025 23:18

Ok, so how about DSD shows her step mother some support then?

Show quote history

Her step mum had her husband and children there.

DreamTheMoors · 04/07/2025 23:44

Unrelated38 · 04/07/2025 21:16

I wouldn't go to a funeral instead of a concert I'd bought tickets for. Your mum doesn't care who was there. Funerals are for the living and no one should be obliged to attend.

”Funerals are for the living…”

And this young woman lied her ass off to the living in order to ditch the bereaved’s step-mother’s mum’s funeral.

There are times in life when we make sacrifices for the people we love.

That you find this behaviour acceptable says a lot about you.

OntheBorder1 · 04/07/2025 23:45

Themomentsheknewshefkedup · 04/07/2025 22:48

This. Not every one likes to attend funerals anyway. As someone said above they are for the living. What actually matters is the relationship she had with your mum when she was alive. When it mattered.

sorry for your loss op. I can’t imagine the pain but don’t take it out on dsd

Show quote history

You are quite right, funerals are mostly for the living, although many people attend as a mark of respect for the dead. However, "the living" in this case is OP, who had hoped her SD had the grace to support her by attending her DM's funeral.

As for not attending a funeral because you don't like doing it - grow up!

All these posters excusing SD because she is "young", what a load of nonsense. Plenty of my friends were married and had children by the age of 24.

Blinkingbother · 04/07/2025 23:50

I’m absolutely flabbergasted by the number of people who seem to think being 24 doesn’t equate to being a responsible adult or any necessity for behaving like one🫣…. Perhaps we should raise the age of legal adulthood to 25? FFS🤣

OntheBorder1 · 04/07/2025 23:50

Norwegianwood35 · 04/07/2025 23:38

OP I can understand why you are upset. Regardless of whether she was getting any inheritance or not, I would have expected her to go to the funeral.

I have been to funerals where I have not known the person who passed but I’ve went because it was a friend/work colleague and was there to support them. When my parents died, people I worked with attended to support me.
Maybe it’s a culture thing.

You may be right about a culture thing. I don't live in the UK, and here people attend a funeral either because they knew the deceased, or because they know someone in the family and want to show their support. People travel hundreds of miles to attend funerals.

There are a lot of self-centred people on MN, unwilling to put themselves out for anyone it seems.

TizerorFizz · 04/07/2025 23:52

@Roomwithaview2019Of course the will must be honoured! It’s a legal document and not the OP’s will or her business to try and alter anything. How vindictive towards someone who ran a marathon to raise money for a relevant charity. She needs to accept what was said in terms of the explanation and reflect on the day with the 9 grandchildren who were there.

Why is it people have to perform in return for getting money in a will? She performed in the London marathon. Did that earn her the inheritance from your mum? Seems like they supported each other in life, but in death her goodness has been forgotten. And the other grandchildren an angels? What did they do? Visit every week? Or just go to the funeral?

IhateMondaymornings · 05/07/2025 00:00

The relevance of the inheritance is that she was clearly considered part of the family by step grandmother. The lack of attendance at the funeral, the posting of fun day events on social media media and the “slipping of the mind” apology shows that the step daughter does not consider herself as part of the family. But more importantly, has no consideration of her step family’s feelings nor does she want to nor feel the need to support them during difficult times. Indeed, to the extent she can post photographs of her having fun on the day of the funeral. This is quite shocking. I would struggle to get past this as it is clear she is not a member of the family you can rely on to be supportive or behave in a socially acceptable way. I think this is rather unusual and callous behaviour. I have attended funerals of people I am not close to because I have chosen to support friends and indeed, in a work capacity to represent the organisation I work for. Dual elements of supporting those you care for and showing respect. Life is for the living, hence there are occasions we attend funerals to show our faces and pull together to support those in times of emotional distress. It’s what makes the world go round. Unfortunately, the step daughter is not the kind of person who can consider other people’s needs and her behaviour reflects on her and her alone. Of course, her step sister shared those social media images. A natural response to quite shocking behaviour.

Bumcake · 05/07/2025 00:00

I’m sorry she’s added to your sadness by being a thoughtless ratbag. I hope you can put it behind you.

WitchOfSomorrostro · 05/07/2025 00:11

It 'slipped her mind'?? The funeral slipped her mind? What an absolute horrible bitch. That 'apology' is almost even more offensive than her original behaviour.

And I just can't believe what I'm reading 'oh, she's perfectly right attending a fun gig than a boring pointless funeral'. Wtf. I appreciate it must be cultural, but it's such disrespect that she'd be dead to me from now on.

Don't worry, there will be a time(s) when she'll need something. A deposit for a house, help with money, help with health issues, maybe help with pregnancy/childcare/wedding, there will be something, always is. Remember to book a gig for that day. Oops, it completely slipped my mind you're having surgery today, too bad so sad, thoughts and prayers.

Like hell would I treat any step-anyone like my own family. You apparently did, your mum did. And this is your thanks. A disgrace.