DSD going to Wimbledon and a concert instead of my mums funeral

[GillieLo]

My mum passed recently, this wasn’t a shock as she had been ill for a while but none the less we are devastated.

I have 2 bio children and DSD who has been in my life for 8 years, she was friendly with my mum and my mum has left her just as much as she has her other grandchildren.

DSD said she couldn’t come to the funeral as work was busy and she couldn’t get time off, she’s 24.

Tonight my DD has shown me her instagram stories. Up at 4am queuing for Wimbledon, seems to have spent the day there and is now at Hyde park seeing Gracie Abrams and Noah Kahan.

AIBU to be unbelievably pissed off this is why she didn’t come to my mums funeral when my mum has left her 15k?

I was understanding when it was work but a concert and Wimbledon?!!

DHs response is “she’s young she probably had these plans for a while and we all grieve differently”.

Well said. SD is a brat. Not going to the funeral is bad enough, but lying about the reason is shameful. As for "she's young" - she's 24!!!

Sorry to hear about your DM, and I'm sorry you have such a self-centred SD (and a useless DH).

She's very disrespectful.

"slipped my mind the funeral was tomorrow", is utterly offensive and enraging. Which is much worse in my opinion. This was your mother? How could her funeral date "slip her mind"?

She should have been honest that she had decided not to attend the funeral.

Lying madam.

Honestly when I die, I hope my kids choose a concert over attending my funeral. I am sorry for your loss but I don't think your DSD should feel bad for not attending. I also do feel like your daughter was stirring things by coming and showing the pics. Just my opinion.

She probably lied because she knew you’d be mad. She ran a whole marathon to raise money to support your mothers illness however.

She had plans she paid for, honestly funerals
are horrible they are for the living not the dead the dead don’t care. Your mother saw her run the marathon for her though and honestly that’s much more meaningful that dutifully turning up to a funeral. She did big actions off her own back. I bet your mother would have rather all of you where out having a nice day rather than being sad.

You’re grieving but don’t let a smaller thing destroy a bigger thing.

I just want to say.
I don’t plan to let this sour the relationship I have with DSD. I don’t appreciate the lies and I do wish she had been there and think she was selfish not to be, but I do love her and I’m not planning to withhold inheritance or stay upset about it, life is too short for that!

This exactly.

It hurts because your mum considered her a grandchild, but she didn’t consider your mum a grandparent.

It hurts because she’s making an elaborate lie about forgetting a family funeral. Not exactly possible when the family chat is presumably focused on that.

It hurts because she is clearly not sad.

How very sensible and decent. 👏

Why are people giving off about ops daughter? Her granny has just died and she sees her stepsister who she’s close to lying and off partying. Of course she’s going to bring it up. That’s not shit stirring, it’s having a valid emotional reaction to upsetting behaviour from someone she is close to.
How people twist things

You are right. I'd struggle to talk to her again. Very low accepting inheritance but not attending funeral.

Better get this deleted then!

She shouldn't have lied, but maybe she found it awkward/difficult to tell you what she was actually doing, or that she simply didn't want to go.

We do all grieve differently and nobody should feel obliged to attend a funeral. The money she was left is irrelevant - the deceased wanted her to have it, that's the end of the matter. You can't use it to guilt her after the fact.

She's 24. Not a child, but still young and likely hasn't had a whole lot of death to deal with. The last thing your family needs right now is a falling out.

I feel sorry for your actual daughter too.
Poor thing.
Watching her older stepsister party and posting about it on her grandmothers funeral day.

This. Not every one likes to attend funerals anyway. As someone said above they are for the living. What actually matters is the relationship she had with your mum when she was alive. When it mattered.

sorry for your loss op. I can’t imagine the pain but don’t take it out on dsd

Sorry but I think it is absolutely awful. I would say little about it, let it rest on her head because in time to come she just might regret this.

It isn’t though, you can’t tell someone how to greave. Funerals are for the living. She doesn’t have to go and is entitled to act as she wishes

"She had plans she paid for"
No she didn't.
She'd paid for the concert but OP has explained she still would have had time to go to this after the funeral
She didn't have tickets for wimbledon, thus the queueing to try and get them at 4am of the morning of said funeral

"They are for the living"

EXACTLY
the living, i.e. her stepmother and stepsister who clearly wanted her there and would have appreciated her support!

True. My late husband got his entry to the marathon first and then looked for a charity to support.

Well yes, so she should have been there to support the living siblings, step mum and dad who are all grieving.

Jinx @latetothefisting

Go to Wimbledon, enjoy the concert, live life. I wouldn’t want any 24 year old to miss out on fun to sit at a morbid funeral. I don’t particularly want my kids going to my parents funerals. It’s morbid, if you have a better offer, go, go, go.

Im sorry what? Not everyone likes to attend funerals?
I dont think many people LIKE attending funerals, ffs!
I'm sure OP would probably have rather been at Wimbledon than her mother's funeral too, actually!

And another poster who bleats "they are for the living without apparently realising the irony. Yes, the living, i.e. her stepmother and stepsister whom she has hurt even more on one of the worst days of their lives by her actions.

Possibly the most ignorant comment on a thread with a lot of competition

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Funerals are a way of processing a loss, and a way for families and the community of loved ones who knew the person to come together, connect and provide support to one another. I understand that people grieve differently. Some people cannot cope with attending funerals and can't fill the 'supporter' role as they process their own loss but this is very individualistic behaviour, and individualistic behaviour often has the consequence of others thinking you are acting selfishly.

What I think is completely unthinking of her and shows a lack of empathy and awareness of others is posting it on social media. I think this added information really shows it in another light. Whatever her reasoning, I don't think this behaviour was acceptable.
To me, the saddest thing that happens when we lose a loved one is that we often lose others too. If you can access some bereavement counselling or resources, please do, as I this really will add another layer to how you process your loss.

I think she was being selfish and immature. So many people on here expect stepmums to treat kids equally but evidently don't expect it to work both ways. You sound lovely. Sorry for your loss xx

Nonsense. You don’t shun a funeral and tell lies to people who you know want and expect your presence and your respect for dead loved ones.

I do wonder sometimes about the attitudes and motives of MN posters.

I think she was wrong to lie but I see now that she’s passing it of as a change of circumstance and she’d forgotten the funeral date - something a 24 yr old who doesn’t live with you might well do.

did she know she had an inheritance coming? Just curious as I actually don’t think it affects anything other than how lovely that your mum thought well of her and wanted to treat her the same as her other grandchildren. I’m glad she did the charity fundraiser whilst your mum could appreciate her obvious support