DSD going to Wimbledon and a concert instead of my mums funeral

[GillieLo]

My mum passed recently, this wasn’t a shock as she had been ill for a while but none the less we are devastated.

I have 2 bio children and DSD who has been in my life for 8 years, she was friendly with my mum and my mum has left her just as much as she has her other grandchildren.

DSD said she couldn’t come to the funeral as work was busy and she couldn’t get time off, she’s 24.

Tonight my DD has shown me her instagram stories. Up at 4am queuing for Wimbledon, seems to have spent the day there and is now at Hyde park seeing Gracie Abrams and Noah Kahan.

AIBU to be unbelievably pissed off this is why she didn’t come to my mums funeral when my mum has left her 15k?

I was understanding when it was work but a concert and Wimbledon?!!

DHs response is “she’s young she probably had these plans for a while and we all grieve differently”.

Agree.

OP, I'd give it a little while (enough time for you to start to feel better) and address the shit stirring as well as the hurt you felt.

I don't mean to be patronising, but bereavement can heighten emotions.

Sorry for your loss.

She prob didn’t want to hurt your feelings so said Work rather then a concert /tennis which she spent money on

Rather than labelling your post /sarcasm maybe use your words to put across what you want to convey?

You probably should have tagged it "How to completely miss the point" instead given my whole point was that the AMOUNT of the inheritance (and indeed the money she didn't actually give herself for the marathon) was irrelevant, it's what it represented...

It really would be better to gloss over this, at least for now and choose to not think about it today.

You've had a very difficult day with lots going on and need to process some of that, not use this as a focus for your emotional energy right now.

I think you're viewing your dd through the best possible lens, and your dsd through the worst possible lens.

Your dd was very ill advised to both show you the social media posts, and to send an immature message.

It all adds up to suggest there are some difficult relationships between all of you.

I have sympathy for your dsd tbh. Funerals are intense emotional experiences, often uncomfortable or unpleasant. It's understandable to not want to go.

You didn't canvas her opinion or availability on setting the date, other people's holidays and graduations were considered more relevant.

If you managed to get through the day without her absence being a problem, then the reason for her not being there is not worth dwelling in

I really, really don't think inheritance or gratitude for money comes into this at all and find it crass to make those connections.

I have gone to the funerals of many people who left me not a bean. It's weird to think being left money somehow influences your participation.

Lesst she said sorry

and she ran a marathon raising money which means she isnt selfish

You agree with the lies? Would you like someone who lies?

She's been dishonest, disrespectful, thoughtless and unkind.
I'd be pissed off with her too.

You go to a funeral for the living, and I'd have thought that she if she has a good relationship with you and your DDs, she would have prioritised supporting you all over watching tennis.

I'd be very fed up, were I in your shoes.

She shouldn’t have lied, and as she did lie, she shouldn’t have been daft enough to post about it. Why did she lie? Was it to stop a reaction she didn’t want to deal with.
Tbh I would rather miss a graduation than a fun thing, If you weren’t going to move it because of her previous commitments (with “closer relatives”getting priority) then I don’t know why she felt she needed to lie. Perhaps she just thought it sounded better, especially as you are grieving and had to organise a funeral in July when everyone is saying “but..my holiday” and “but…my graduation”. Nobody gaf when she was “working”.
With a big family there is always going to be somebody missing out - as has been the case with many people at this funeral. Dsd is only one of several who didn’t go.
She goes to Wimbledon every year - why didn’t you check.
The real villain is the shit stirring dd winding her mum up and watching her go at a funeral and then making digs at the dsd. Perhaps she’s more bothered about splitting the inheritance than she’s letting on.

Ops mum might not care, but op does, and maybe her step sibling do.

She not child, it’s a poor show on her behalf. Family should support each other, you dsd hasn’t done this.

I'm really not understanding this.

The decision to leave her some money was made by OP's mother on the basis of their relationship. She has no idea who attended her funeral, so the idea that going shows thanks/respect to her is absurd.

You're talking about showing thanks & respect to the other attendees. Fair enough if you want to take issue with that, but it's got fuck all to do with the bequest. It isn't a gift from the other family members.

I imagine she lied to save your feelings on the day. If she was going to catch a load of snide for her inheritance, I wouldn't blame her for giving it a miss.

Plus - you know there are a lot of people who never attend funerals? They're pretty awkward events, especially the first few times.

My thoughts exactly! Though the lying was unnecessary / stupid. However given the evident stirring by the daughter perhaps she felt somewhat on the periphery anyway

This. She should have been there out of respect for you and her step siblings. I wouldn’t mention the inheritance, but I’d make it very clear that I was disappointed that she lied and chose to attend Wimbledon instead.

Rude
if she was queuing at 4am foe Wimbledon, presumably to get tickets on the day - the concert she could easily get to from Brighton.
Hopefully she took a days compassionate leave and her employer spots the day out at Wimbledon posts.

How do you know she isn't grieving at all? You don't. You only know that you'd do something different. I have been more upset about the deaths of some people whose funerals I didn't attend than some of those I did.

Quite. I'd focus on the 17 year old DD and her unhelpful behaviour to stir the pot about a relative who, oh coincidentally inherits the same as her, while only being a "step" relative.

I think you step daughter is a scum bag personally and she’s shown her true colours .

I think that’s awful. And how does a family funeral escape your mind? I agree with the pp that a funeral is for the living, but she should have wanted to be there to say goodbye, and even if she didn’t she should have wanted to be there for you and your children.
If the colleague swapped with her to go to Wimbledon I’m sure they would have swapped for a funeral.
It’s lovely your mum included her as a grandchild but she doesn’t consider her a grandparent imo.

‘Grieving in your own way’ doesn’t equate to it being acceptable to completely disregard the feelings of others, and especially those closest to the person who has died. Part of being a functioning grown up, and 24 is old enough, is to be able to consider the feelings of others. I’ve attended funerals where my personal loss has been enormous but I’ve also attended funerals where the impact of the death on me was small but I knew my attendance mattered to those whose loss was great. I think the point about the inheritance is that DSD was treated equally to the other children and it’s that, not the amount, that matters and speaks volumes about OP’s mum. Her father should definitely discuss her behaviour, the hurt she has caused and the fact that she lied.

No-one should go to a funeral out of obligation. Try to frame it as her choosing to hide it from you to avoid offence; she’s young and had a good day out. She may not feel close to your mum or it may have been she had a better offer - I wouldn’t fall out with her over this, just remember she’s not related to your mum.

I think she’s been very disrespectful to you, OP. And I wouldn’t believe her excuse either. She’s lied. Is she usually so selfish?

has everyone missed the part where she lied and said she couldnt get time off? id have more repsect for her if she said she had concert tickets

your dh should be embarrased

I thought that the MN 'rule' about step children is that the whole family has to treat them the same as biological children, it seems that some steps like to pick and choose when it suits them. Hopefully this will influence how the OP treats her in the future.

Having just lost my DF, it seemed my DSC’s weren't going to attend.

I didn't express my upset and disappointment, but felt a real sense of being let down and unimportant to them. I may have expressed this afterwards and would have found their lack of support difficult to deal with.

However, they did come, without any conversation. I really appreciated them as part of my family.

If I were you, I would also be very disappointed that your DSD lied.

OP I am very sorry for your loss and for all the extra hurt of today.

I am glad DSD reached out and that she did say sorry. It seems like there is a lot to still be sorted through but at least tonight when you have already had an emotionally exhausting day, there is some acknowledgment of it. 💐

Your mum was sweet but shouldn't have left an unrelated person money that would have benefited her own grandchildren.

You can't treat step dc the same as your dc. If you got divorced you'd probably never see them again, and they already have two families.