DSD going to Wimbledon and a concert instead of my mums funeral

[GillieLo]

My mum passed recently, this wasn’t a shock as she had been ill for a while but none the less we are devastated.

I have 2 bio children and DSD who has been in my life for 8 years, she was friendly with my mum and my mum has left her just as much as she has her other grandchildren.

DSD said she couldn’t come to the funeral as work was busy and she couldn’t get time off, she’s 24.

Tonight my DD has shown me her instagram stories. Up at 4am queuing for Wimbledon, seems to have spent the day there and is now at Hyde park seeing Gracie Abrams and Noah Kahan.

AIBU to be unbelievably pissed off this is why she didn’t come to my mums funeral when my mum has left her 15k?

I was understanding when it was work but a concert and Wimbledon?!!

DHs response is “she’s young she probably had these plans for a while and we all grieve differently”.

As you probably know already, I was referring to DSD’s behaviour, not DD’s.

It’s not for you to say that though.
OP was obviously upset by it. It wasn’t fine to miss it without good reason in that particular family. (It wouldn’t be in mine either.)

The op has posted for opinions. Perhaps other people saying it's a step Grandparent, it's fine helps her think yes maybe it is.

Or we could all say yes dsc is awful poor you but generally aibu will host a variety of opinions.

I'd try and put less pressure on her in future so she can talk openly and not feel the need to make stuff up.

I've never been forced to go to a funeral in my life. You don't need to sit through a church service to remember someone. I'm sure your mum won't mind.

I'm sure your mum won't mind.

How can you be sure of that? Lots of people would be hurt by the thought that a family member would choose not to attend their funeral without good reason. Or would forget about it.

I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t mind, as she’s dead, and has no inkling who is turning up, and who isn’t.

This is a completely insane response

Opinions on that vary, don’t they?

In any case, it’s usual for a person’s wishes before death to remain important to their loved ones.

Reading through the responses, I realise this is a nation of sociopaths - I’m shocked how many people expect no empathy, no honesty and no decency from a family member.

Funerals can be a lovely tribute to a passed loved one however and a support to their closest family. She was dishonest and a ungrateful. My relationship with her would struggle to recover and actually my relationship with my husband too. He isn't being very understanding.

The concert tickets were around 65 quid I believe it was a Hyde Park Concert.

It's a step grandmother she only knew as an adult. Barely a family member in my opinion.

OP says they were friendly and that her mother included DSD in her will. So I don’t think they barely knew one another even if it was extended family. 16 is not normally considered adulthood.
In any case friends are important too.

In addition, people attend funerals to support the bereaved, like OP and her daughter, not just to mourn the dead and celebrate their life.
I’m sure DSD knew her stepmother and stepsister.

£65 is a lot of money to a lot of people.

OP has made it very clear DSD had enough time to get to the concert, enjoy it and not lose on any money.

Splashing fun photos across social media means she doesn’t care about the rest of the family being bereaved and all. Total sociopath, and the DH sounds like one too.

It's a family her dad married into when she was an adult. It isn't her family. Totally unrealistic expections of relationships forced upon unrelated adults. It's nice if grown up steps are close, but there's no obligation for them to be.

The bereaved support each other. The op had a dh, dc and I presume other relatives.

Funerals just aren't a big deal to a lot of people. Some find them performative with some people attending who haven't seen the deceased or their family for years.

It's ok not to attend a funeral.

Friendly just means being nice to each other. op was even shocked when DSD phones, because she doesn't usually. There's clearly not much of a relationship so I'm not sure why DSD would be expected to provide support.

Then why is OP upset?
Why does she think her selfish?
This was misjudged on the part of DSD. Her step grandmother knew her well enough to include her in her will. And DSD forgot about her funeral? Or so she says.

It wasn’t okay behaviour in the circumstances of this family. It was shockingly poor behaviour.

I don't know why she is upset but she's posted on aibu for opinions and I'm with the dh, it's fine.

OP would have liked her to be there unless there was good reason, so I think your analysis is a bit off. If there was no relationship it’s unlikely OP would feel so hurt now.

Would she really have liked her to have been there? Or does she just think she ought to have been there? Because there's a big difference.

Piss poor behaviour from her. End of. But you’ll have loads of people on here tying themselves up in knots trying to justify and excuse her behaviour. Just ignore them, Op.

sorry for your loss 💐

Oh and typical misogynist anti-stepmum stuff on here too - basically op as a step mother is supposed to treat her step child as her own, prioritise her etc etc but she cannot expect even the most basic of things back in return, stepdaughter not obliged to do anything for her. Yeah, nah

When someone shows you who they are believe them. Words are cheap.
You will be back on MN sharing something else she has done in the future.

OP sorry for your loss. Your DM sounds like a generous (with love and money) person.