DSD going to Wimbledon and a concert instead of my mums funeral

[GillieLo]

My mum passed recently, this wasn’t a shock as she had been ill for a while but none the less we are devastated.

I have 2 bio children and DSD who has been in my life for 8 years, she was friendly with my mum and my mum has left her just as much as she has her other grandchildren.

DSD said she couldn’t come to the funeral as work was busy and she couldn’t get time off, she’s 24.

Tonight my DD has shown me her instagram stories. Up at 4am queuing for Wimbledon, seems to have spent the day there and is now at Hyde park seeing Gracie Abrams and Noah Kahan.

AIBU to be unbelievably pissed off this is why she didn’t come to my mums funeral when my mum has left her 15k?

I was understanding when it was work but a concert and Wimbledon?!!

DHs response is “she’s young she probably had these plans for a while and we all grieve differently”.

I’m not planning to withhold inheritance

That would be against the law for a start.

It's good you're not going to remain upset with someone you didn't prioritise when arranging the funeral date, potentially has no idea they're a beneficiary in the will, and ran a marathon to raise money for your mum's illness charity.

I'm not convinced there's much to take a step back from. OP doesn't sound bothered about the lack of support from someone she has close relationship with, rather irritated that she didn't show face.
She's dad's wife. It's fine for it be a bit lopsided (if it is). Only one of them opted into the relationship. Friendly is a good thing, it doesn't need to be anything more.

Nothing like a wedding or a funeral to mess up a family is there ?

Nobody here, even OP, knows what her step-daughter’s motives were and none of us are in a position to judge her. Speculation about her motives and projecting posters own imagined responses to the situation are ridiculous. I could say maybe she’s shying away from the funeral because it would upset her too much but that is valid/invalid as anyone else’s. Shame she lied and has been found out but, again, nobody knows her motivation.

If OP wants to tell her she’s upset/disappointed, then so be it.

Circumstances have meant I been unable to attend three funerals and two weddings in the last 6 years and I’ve realised afterwards I didn’t want to go to any of them anyway. Granted, I’m a lot older than OP’s step-daughter but I’ve realised all this talk of duty and obligation and supporting other people is other people’s views, not necessarily mine. Duty and obligation don’t help the deceased and have never helped me, in fact have frequently had a negative impact on me.

Oh, and don’t get me started on ‘respect and honour’. I respect and honour people when they are alive, I spend time with them, give them flowers etc. ‘Respect and honour’ are in other people’s eyes.

she has to live with herself op - that is her punishment

It is a bit crappy and disappointing. I think the issue for me is perhaps less about gratitude or money (your mums fairness in her will to a step child is really admirable though) though it that clearly rankles, but more about about not caring about you enough, no sense of empathy or sensitivity or even duty?

I would put it down to naivety and immaturity (perhaps even awkwardness and fear?) I remember not really getting it at 19 when my step grandfather died. My step mum was devestated, but it didn't really touch me in the same way and I expected her to go on mumming as normal. (I did however cancel my inter-railing trip but I think I was actually using as an excuse not to go rather than any sense of real concern). I am very sad that I didn't do better now and I hope my step mum didn't think less of me because of it.

I am so sorry for your loss. Try and concentrate on yourself, the loss of a parent is a huge thing and you don't need to be taking on anyone else's behaviour. It's totally reasonable to be pissed off with her, but if you can put it aside for now I would.

No wonder so many not born in the UK or have non UK heritage think that Brits have no culture aside from consumption.
This thread justifies that notion.
Not even the US is so raw with it.

Sure you would. 🙄

Honestly, while I appreciate that you are currently grieving, this doesn’t give you the right to dictate to everyone else what they do with their time.

Your step-daughter did a lovely thing for your mother while she was alive and could appreciate it. Funerals are for the living. When my mother died my PIL did not attend and neither did my only SIL and BIL or their children and I really didn’t mind and nor would my mother have - she was very much of the opinion that time should be spent with the living and living life as it’s the only one that you get.

As for your DD I suspect your step-daughter will be very cautious around her now as your DD knew exactly what she was doing when she showed you the instagram.

The inheritance is irrelevant.

I was going to say you’re unreasonable but if she was left money, the least she could do is pay her respects at the funeral. That’s really poor form.

DSD has called me this morning, which isn’t really normal for her in the first place usually she would call her dad.

She was very apologetic and explained that when she asked her manager for the day off originally she was told no as she works in a small team and her colleague was already off that day. She said she didn’t feel comfortable asking her to swap.
She then said that generally she doesn’t really find comfort in funerals, they make her anxious and panicky, so that is probably part of the reason as to why she didn’t fight harder for the day off.

Fast forward to Thursday everyone in the office were chatting about Wimbledon and queuing, she mentioned she couldn’t as her colleague was off and she couldn’t get the day off. She said it has sort of slipped her mind that the reason she knew her colleague was off was because of the funeral. The funeral is longer than normal after death so I see how that could happen. Her colleague overheard and offered to swap.
She was very apologetic and said she didn’t meant to cause any hurt or offence. She explained again that at the time of talking to me about it the reason she couldn’t come was work.

I’m not going to let this sour anything between us. It is what is is and we move on .

I’m generally anti-funeral but I agree that the lying whilst posting publicly is disrespectful to you and I can understand why you’re upset, however, I’d concentrate on getting through the day and dealing with your feelings around that. You may find you feel differently afterwards, funerals can compound difficult feelings.

Sorry for your loss. X

It's her step Grandparent, it is fine that she didn't attend.

Not great to lie but she probably felt awkward when it became clear you expected her to go.

If I had dsc there is no way I'd expect them to attend my parent's funerals.

The 15k is nice but irrelevant and a bit inappropriate to mention it tbh as you've now added she may not even be aware of it.

Glad there was more to it @GillieLo I think moving on is sensible x

Posted before seeing the update, that’s good @GillieLo. sending you best wishes.

When I die I hope my funeral doesn’t stop people from going to Wimbledon or pop concerts. Life is for the living!

Do something about your daughter’s spiteful passive aggressive-ness, though. That is a highly unattractive quality to have.

Absolutely.

the dd is only 18, give her a chance

Looks like the DD was deliberately trying to make trouble .

I would be extremely disappointed in her behaviour OP.

No excusing that level of selfishness.

I know it is awful knowing that her dm is grieving to then stir the pot and show her the stepdaughter's posts knowing it would cause upset.

Nope, i'd be honest.. that i had other plans i wasn't able to change.

dont blame the messenger

I'd also be questioning your daughters motives of upsetting you over your mothers funeral by pointing out her step sister was lying.

Ooh, no, she'd have to rearrange her timings and have a slightly shorter shower!
Of course when you put it that way it would be completely unreasonable to expect her to do two things in one day, poor girl.

Except she did - go to Wimbledon all day (which she didn't have tickets for so wouldn't have lost anything by not going - as OP said she's already been once this week) and then went to the concert. Presumably without a shower in-between.

So what though? The lying again isn't nice but many people do when they feel under pressure from others.

It was a Step Grandparents funeral, it was fine to miss It.