DSD going to Wimbledon and a concert instead of my mums funeral

[GillieLo]

My mum passed recently, this wasn’t a shock as she had been ill for a while but none the less we are devastated.

I have 2 bio children and DSD who has been in my life for 8 years, she was friendly with my mum and my mum has left her just as much as she has her other grandchildren.

DSD said she couldn’t come to the funeral as work was busy and she couldn’t get time off, she’s 24.

Tonight my DD has shown me her instagram stories. Up at 4am queuing for Wimbledon, seems to have spent the day there and is now at Hyde park seeing Gracie Abrams and Noah Kahan.

AIBU to be unbelievably pissed off this is why she didn’t come to my mums funeral when my mum has left her 15k?

I was understanding when it was work but a concert and Wimbledon?!!

DHs response is “she’s young she probably had these plans for a while and we all grieve differently”.

She shouldn't have lied, but funerals aren't compulsory.
They're also not transactional, eg you have to go because someone left you some money.
If she had wanted to go, she would have done. But she didn't want to - and that's fine.

But plans get changed - death being a pretty good reason to do so. If you had a dinner reservations and your partner/family member etc dropped dead would you shrug and say well I don’t want to miss out and go anyway? If you had a concert planned and your child/pet/partner needed to go to hospital, would you refuse to accompany them because they didn’t give you advance notice of being ill?
It’s such a strange mentality.

Yes. Why are relatives different from anyone else?
Thank goodness I won't be having a funeral, because the trouble they cause is ridiculous.

This is a pointless generalisation, because even if you could prove and quantify it, you still have no idea whether it applies the people being talked about. They might be going to their caravan and talking about booked annual leave, or have paid extra for flexibility. Your own holidays are not the standard here. It was an assumption.

Additionally, it's immaterial to the point you initially took issue with, which was me correctly paraphrasing for another poster what OP wrote about how they'd chosen the funeral date and DSD not having told them about the concert.

Of course I would drop absolutely anything if my DD was ill and needed to go to hospital.

thats not comparable though to a step relative than hasn't been in my life since the starts funeral being on a day I had probably spent £100s of pounds on tickets though.

the step grandmother has died. She is still going to be dead if the DSD does to the funeral or not.

however if my daughter was ill and I don't take her to hospital, then that's neglectful and could endanger her.

nothing will change if the DSD sticks to her plans and doesn't go to the funeral.

It's not about the grandmother, really. It's about the DSD not caring about supporting her grieving step siblings or being kind to her step mum. Then twisting the knife by lying about it.

Okay so if your partner died and you had concert tickets?? Would you still have the attitude that he’d be dead anyway and head off happily?

Probably, as we are having unattended cremations anyway.

she is 24, a very selfish stage in life, probably not been to a funeral before and dreaded the thought of it
funerals are for the living.
it is a shame she could not be honest with you though

Yeah, me too.

What difference does it make that she wasn’t there.

In other words you’re going to roll over and allow it…..to keep the peace. You’re going to allow your seemingly kind and wonderful late mum to be disrespected by this selfish girl?

There's a reason we as a society have funerals. It's not just a pointless exercise to make money for funeral directors. It shows respect, honours the deceased person, and shows support and care for the bereaved. It feels hurtful when people you'd expect to come, for the reasons above, don't bother to turn up.

I wouldn't let it sour the relationship - I'd try not to, anyway - but I'd be hurt and saddened.

No one wants to go to a funeral. They’re bloody awful, and of course they’re optional.

No one has a gun to your head to make you go. That’s such a daft thing to say.

I’m sure people just enjoy being contrary on here.

It’d good she apologised and you feel you can let it go.
she was selfish and should have just confessed she wanted to go to the events - lots of young people would do this, hopefully she’ll see the lying bit was the worst part.

Rubbish. Good on your daughter OP for calling out your SD awful behaviour. She didn't need to lie to you. She could have told you that she had tickets for a concert but would be thinking of your mum and all of you that day. She is selfish and deceitful. It was a lovely thing your mum did to include her in the will with her grandchildren. She doesn't deserve it. I'd be letting her know how disappointed I was and asking her why she felt the need to lie to everyone.

No she is going to be an adult, and not let a bad mistake by a young person end an important relationship in her and her DH life.

A lot of replies are based around the inheritance, but you say you don't even know if she knows about the money? I don't know why you mentioned it at all in that case
And of course you aren't planning to keep the money from her, you have no say in anything your mother's will says, it has to be followed regardless of anyone's behaviour or feelings around it.

Yep, because that would be what he wanted....he'd probably come back to haunt me if I didn't.

What's done is done. It's not a case of allowing it, it's already happened. I would feel the same as the OP - and I might feel a bit differently towards DSD going forward - but it would be worse to cause a massive family rift. And I doubt that is what OP's mum, who sounds like a lovely person, would want.

What would you suggest?

The OP give her step daughter the silent treatment, and throw it in her face every time there’s an argument??

She’s wisely going to forgive her. We were all young and a bit selfish when we were younger, and i’m sure our parents didn’t hold it against us until the rapture.

But would you lie about it? To me the lying is the problem and I wouldn't be able to forgive that

But perhaps she doesn't care all that much? Which isn't such an awful thing in my opinion. They didn't grow up together, OP didn't raise her. Blending and closeness cannot be forced upon adults.
A friendly relationship is a positive thing, OP is right to let it be.

Yes, the DSD doesn't care that much. The OP on the other hand says that she loves her DSD. It's sad when relationships are so lopsided and I think the only solution is for the OP to take a massive step back emotionally.

There's a difference between being rude (silent treatment etc) and being reserved. If I were the OP I would treat the DSD as an acquaintance from now on, matching the energy of her dsd. So I wouldn't do any favours or go out of my way to help, but I would make polite chit chat whenever saw her.

I'm not sure her explanation helps an awful lot. I was younger than 24 when my grandparents died and I certainly knew what day their funerals were. I didn't attend all of them (due to my age and distance). but I was thinking about them and my parents on those days.

I don't think all funerals are morbid, mawkish affairs, as some PP claim. It's quite easy to remember someone, celebrate their life and support other family and friends for a few hours. DSD seems very self-centred DH not really addressing that.