DSD going to Wimbledon and a concert instead of my mums funeral

[GillieLo]

My mum passed recently, this wasn’t a shock as she had been ill for a while but none the less we are devastated.

I have 2 bio children and DSD who has been in my life for 8 years, she was friendly with my mum and my mum has left her just as much as she has her other grandchildren.

DSD said she couldn’t come to the funeral as work was busy and she couldn’t get time off, she’s 24.

Tonight my DD has shown me her instagram stories. Up at 4am queuing for Wimbledon, seems to have spent the day there and is now at Hyde park seeing Gracie Abrams and Noah Kahan.

AIBU to be unbelievably pissed off this is why she didn’t come to my mums funeral when my mum has left her 15k?

I was understanding when it was work but a concert and Wimbledon?!!

DHs response is “she’s young she probably had these plans for a while and we all grieve differently”.

Not everyone feels comfortable at funerals. I wouldn’t judge someone who just didn’t want to attend. It’s irrelevant that dsd has been left an inheritance. I’m sure if it was a condition of accepting the inheritance that she went to the funeral, the grandmother would have stipulated it in her will….

What I said in my first paragraph, which simply reiterates what OP wrote.

Whereas in your agreement with OPs decision, you've invented some extra information about holidays not being able to be changed, which OP didn't specify.

So as I said in my second, if you're not taking the first date available, when there are enough of you it raises the issue of having to make value judgements. This is not a matter of opinion. I'm fresh from my family having had to do the same, though you'll have posted this before reading about that.

And hopefully made sure DSD was definitely informed about the bequest before the funeral, since OP has said she's not actually certain she even knows!

It was shitty if she’d lied but she has apologised now and could have forgotten if she’d mentally written it off and she can maybe do something in her own way.
Its a very sad time for you so it’s a shame this has had a negative effect on the day and the memory so if there’s a way to make it positive now that would be best all round.

The concert tickets are turning out to be a red herring, because she could have attended both the funeral in the morning and the concert in the afternoon.

The real problem is the lying - saying she had to work (clearly untrue as she had concert tickets) then doubling down and making up a story about a swap with a colleague and a fit of forgetfulness.

OP did say some people had holidays booked for the next week.

Every holiday I’ve ever been on has been non-refundable.

I don’t think it’s a bad thing that she is out living her life and having fun. Life is for living.

It’s sad that she felt she couldn’t be honest with you, but it’s not something I’d be getting so worked up about. The inheritance is completely a red herring - to think someone should attend a funeral just because they’ve been left some money is pretty crass TBH. It makes not one iota of difference to your DM who attended her funeral!
I’d likely just let her know that you know she didn’t go because of work but that she’d gone to Wimbledon and a concert. I know that my mum would have encouraged her grandchildren to go to the concert instead of her funeral!

So she might not even know about the money and yet you’re making it a key point in your annoyance?
Your comment about ‘not withholding her inheritance’ is telling - no one can withhold an inheritance, a will is a legal document that must be followed.

She did indeed, but being able to move a holiday is a thing that exists. We don't have any more information about these specific plans or costs, so it's pointless to speculate.

It’s really poor selfish behaviour. And not only do you attend funerals to pay respect to the person who passed away, you also go to support others who cared about the person - like you. I would be so hurt and angry and I can’t believe your husband is taking that stance - she’s not grieving at all and being 24 isn’t an excuse for being a crappy human being. I really wouldn’t be putting myself out for her going forward (and that’s not something I jump to lightly - but the consequences to being selfish means that others are less generous to you). Mind yourself in this moment, be kind to yourself and surround yourself with those who love you. Know that your mother was a very kind woman who chose to be open and generous with her money and that’s it is a lovely reflection on her regardless of how your SD reacts. Sending you kind thoughts at this time.

I think her comments suggest though that she didn’t make a lot of effort to ask work re permission to attend the funeral. If her colleague was willing to swap at the spur of the moment for Wimbledon, someone would have most likely swapped to allow her to attend the funeral.

So, I think the annoyance should still stand really as it doesn’t sound like she could be arsed and the apology makes her sound even more flakey really.

I think you’re conflating the issues. Just because someone doesn’t attend a funeral, doesn’t mean they don’t ‘deserve’ an inheritance. And does anyone ever really deserve an inheritance anyway? That was your DM’s choice to make. She’s young, impressionable and your DM was not her DGM. I’d be annoyed about the lies/deception but I wouldn’t hold not coming to the funeral against her. I’d consider the marathon a much greater tribute to be honest. And what would DGM honestly have wanted? My DGPs would have told me to go and have fun over attending their funerals any day!

She was very thoughtless, but young people often are. (I can remember things I did in my 20s that make me cringe now.) Your mum was not her grandmother, though it was obviously very generous and lovely of her to leave an inheritance for DSD. I would forgive and forget, and move on.

Just wanted to say your mum sounded like a wonderful, generous person.

Or setting a boundary and being honest with her mother. I would tell my mother if someone was lying to her face and I’m a lot older than 17 and I would certainly want my daughter to tell me. Honesty is really important in relationships and frankly the SD needs to learn that lying to people has consequences. She obviously didn’t care if she was found out - she put the info out on social media which does seem to be a deliberate two fingers - unless she has an intellectual disability, it would seem she was trying to make some kind of point?

I'd be very upset. A funeral is too pay your respects to the deceased and to offer condolences and support to the loved ones left behind.

Your DSD had shown zero respect to the deceased and clearly doesn't care about supporting her step siblings or you.

To make matters worse, she lied about it. But of course is happy to accept 15k. What a horrible human being.

We don’t know if she knows about the money!

But if she was as important and attendees as other biological family members why was the date not checked with her first.

I would definitely let this sour the relationship. By that I mean of course keep being polite but I would take a massive step back emotionally.

Your DSD is 24. That is definitely old enough to offer emotional support to her younger step siblings and to be kind to you in your bereavement. Instead she's prioritised Wimbledon.

That's her choice, but by making it she's clearly showing she doesn't value the family relationship you have and doesn't love you back. I'm sorry, but that's how it is.

Even the fact that her half-hearted apology was as a text message instead of a phone call or in-person chat shows how very unbothered she is by all this. She just doesn't care. Which is fine, she's not obligated to, but then I would definitely match her energy and stop caring for her in return.

I'm annoyed on your behalf and I'd be reevaluating my relationship with the step daughter.

1. she lied and said she had work
2. she posted on her social media knowing your daughter would see it
3. she could've gone to the funeral then concert after
4. she goes to Wimbledon every year!
5. she could've gone to Wimbledon any other day of the week. It's not just taking place on one day
6. wimbledon will always be on every year. She could've missed it this one year or go on different day
7. she queued up at 4am for Wimbledon tickets? Would she have been planning to go to work anyway if up before 4 am queueing? Nope, she never had work to begin with
8. the funeral is not a repeatable event
9. the concert is a repeatable event-she can see those artists anytime. No idea who they are (was it worth missing a family event for this? Hardly a once in a lifetime event
10. grandma left 15k when she only knew her 8 years
11. she should have wanted to go a support her step mother and sister. She didn't care
12. no one is owed anything but surely a decent person would be grateful for receiving 15k and attend funeral
13. sister messaged how was work without even mentioning the funeral. The fact that she responded by messaging on the family chat saying the funeral slipped her mind. But how did she know/remember when no one asked her why didn't she didn't attend funeral. She clearly knew it was
14. she may have run a marathon supporting the charity of the same illness your mother had but a lot of posters say people apply first without having a charity, then decide later on. I don't get the impression she purposefully ran the marathon due to grandmas illness
15. Grandma cared enough to gift her 15k when she didn't need to. But step daughter didn't care enough to make effort to attend the funeral
16. sister Is 17 and probably cares more about her grandma than 15k. I don't believe she is stirring. Likely upset that her nan has died and sister doesn't care/unsupportive/lied
17. shes 24! A fully grown adult and should know better
18. dad making an excuse that we all grieve differently. She's not grieving at all! She doesn't give a shit.

I know it's your mother and people will say you are grieving, emotions are high but she wasn't supportive of you, sister and her blended family as a whole so in the future think about that the next time she wants support from you.

Holidays generally can’t be moved without expense. But DSD knowingly queued up for Wimbledon on the day of the funeral, after already going to Wimbledon on Monday.

Wrong to lie, funerals are in the daytime and could have been there and gone to the concert afterwards.

No one is obliged to grieve anybody though.

this woman was kind enough to leave some inheritance to her and her behaviour is pretty crap, but, you can't make someone grieve someone.

the DSD had prior plans and I don't think it's completely unreasonable that she loses out on her concert to attend her step grand parents funeral.

her lying is pretty crap but I don't think she's unreasonable.

Because she isn't actually as important. Fairly typical of step relationships in my experience. Held to the same (or higher) standards, but not actually considered equally.