DSD going to Wimbledon and a concert instead of my mums funeral

[GillieLo]

My mum passed recently, this wasn’t a shock as she had been ill for a while but none the less we are devastated.

I have 2 bio children and DSD who has been in my life for 8 years, she was friendly with my mum and my mum has left her just as much as she has her other grandchildren.

DSD said she couldn’t come to the funeral as work was busy and she couldn’t get time off, she’s 24.

Tonight my DD has shown me her instagram stories. Up at 4am queuing for Wimbledon, seems to have spent the day there and is now at Hyde park seeing Gracie Abrams and Noah Kahan.

AIBU to be unbelievably pissed off this is why she didn’t come to my mums funeral when my mum has left her 15k?

I was understanding when it was work but a concert and Wimbledon?!!

DHs response is “she’s young she probably had these plans for a while and we all grieve differently”.

Piss poor behaviour from an adult. I bet her grubby fingers won't reject the inheritance.
And your husband is a sorry excuse if he doesn't support you in this.

YANBU OP, disgraceful behaviour on her part. Attending a funeral is a show of respect for that person and clearly your SD had none, not only that she lied. I would find it very difficult to speak to her again tbh.

Are funerals becoming the new weddings here on MN now? Much hated under any circumstances.....

When my DDad died I was so very grateful to everyone sitting in that church, it showed how loved and respected he was and meant the world to us as a grieving family. If you were to listen to some of the folk here he should have just been chucked in his grave and us all gone off to a concert. No thanks, luckily my family and friends are kind and considerate.

Yeah, it’s odd isn’t it?

I get that funeral services could be less expensive. But the opportunity to gather, pay respects and mark the end of a life is important. All cultures do this, everywhere. It’s the most human thing we can do.

Funerals I’ve attended have often brought together family, friends, neighbours, colleagues and others from different parts and times of a life. They matter.

I"m sorry for your loss.
It's probably best to separate the anger over DSD lying from the fact that she's been left money. As a general rule, one shouldn't be a nicer person just because you're getting something out of it, as then it just becomes transactional.
You said yourself that they were "friendly ", but you can't expect a young adult to love someone who they met when they were 16, in the same way as children who'd known her from birth would have, even though it is the same amount of time.
It was incredibly generous of your mother to say she'd leave DSD some money, and yes, I would probably have asked (not expected) DSD to come, because they were on good terms with each other and it's respectful, but those two things are separate.

I hate funerals. I’m in my 70s, with hopefully a good few years left yet, but I don’t intend to have a funeral. I know some people feel they help with whole grieving process but nobody should be expected to attend. It’s a shame your DSD felt she needed to lie, but your DM won’t know anything about it, and if it was me I’d be glad she had something more enjoyable to do.

It’s a shame she felt like she had to lie however, I would not want people missing out on fun to come my funeral.

You're not allowed to withhold inheritance, so you were never able to do that one.

It’s rude, hurtful, childish and incredibly thoughtless of her. This is your mum and that she and her father seem to expect it won’t affect how you view her is mind boggling.

Aren't funerals overrated? Who really wants to go to one?

Sometimes they're all about who suffers the loss the most.

Being given inheritance doesn't mean you have to attend either.

I suspect what’s happened is your DSD didn’t want to take the day off to travel to Brighton to go to a funeral. From your posts she doesn’t sound like she is local? She knows you would have been upset if she said she’s probably going to go to Wimbledon that day, so it was easier to say she couldn’t get time off work. It’s not right that she lied, but you’ve just lost your mum and she probably didn’t want it to look like she didn’t care enough or upset you further.
Her mistake was then posting about it on SM.
In total honesty, I wouldn’t want to take a days annual leave to attend the funeral of a someone who is not a direct relative and I’ve only known for 8 years. Especially if I had to travel to attend as well. But I would take a days annual leave to attend a big annual event with my friends if it was something I enjoyed / was of interest to me.
When your parents get remarried it’s not your choice that you get all this extra family. (I say this as I’m both a SD and a step mum). It’s lovely that she has been included and seems to have had a nice relationship with your family, but sounds like she’s only been part of this family from the age of 16 ? And presumably lived away from home for some of that time too? I think it would be different if she’s known your mum since being a small child and spent a lot of time with her (e.g staying at grandmas and so on).

The inheritance is a tricky one. It’s not clear whether your DSD knew about this at the time ? Even if she did, it’s not something she has asked
for. You can’t really put requirements/ terms and conditions on someone when giving them a gift.

It’s really lovely that your mum has treated her equally to the grandchildren though, and that should be the take away from this as it sounds like she was a very thoughtful person. Today (and the last few weeks) must have been incredibly hard for you. Don’t let this thing with your DSD take over. I’m sorry for your loss.

Going to the concert - not an issue. Going to Wimbledon and lying about it - not acceptable and "D"h should be telling her that. I'm not sure I'd believe the job swap bit either.

You mother was obviously good to her and if your step daughter is really sorry she'd be donating part of that inheritance to do something to respect her step grandmother. That could be something like a donation to a charity she valued or taking you all out to lunch to share memories.

Posting on Instagram - really shitty and she should remove the posts.

Money has nothing to do with it.

A funeral isn't obligatory. It is an opportunity to express grief and to support each other.

She clearly doesn't feel the need to share her sadness, and at a large family gathering, OP didn't need her support. I'm with OP's dh. She didn't feel that way and shouldn't be expected to pretend. That would be even worse.

I don't think you do that. Close relatives attend, regardless of their plans and commitments. Had the DSD been abroad, it might have been understandable. The fact she lied that she was at work is disgraceful.

Even surgeon/pilot genre roles allow the incumbent compassionate leave for family funerals.

Awful behaviour. I’d be really upset. Sorry for your loss xx

I have personal experience of trains between Brighton and London and I have to say that they are not reliable. It was very hot on Tuesday which means that the train services are very likely to be affected.

So you tried to arrange a date that worked with CLOSER relatives - your words. You don’t consider this woman a close relative?

She ran a physically & mentally challenging event to honour your mum.

Inheritance has absolutely nothing to do with it. You aren’t even sure she knows about it, not that it makes any difference.

She shouldn’t have lied, it’s odd that she did seeing as she was the one to message in a group chat first to apologise for not being there rather than taking to the internet to ask about it or posting snide comments on social media. Maybe she felt she couldn’t tell you the truth? Does she often lie or is it out of character? I’d feel awkward being asked to go to the funeral of a step parent who doesn’t consider me a close relative.

Your daughter is 100% stirring it. Firstly showing you her posts & then commenting on them with ‘how was work’. If they are generally usually close she would have messaged her with ‘I thought you were working’. Not tried to publicly cause drama.

If they are usually close wouldn’t there have been messages in the group chat leading up to the funeral about arrangements etc? That way it couldn’t have slipped her mind.

The only thing I see wrong here is the working lie.

Im sorry for your loss though 😞

Last funeral I went to was the father of a close friend. I had never met him, but I care for my friend so was there to show support to her. The inheritance is irrelevant. The lack of care, support, empathy shown by SD to OP is hurtful. Particularly as she lied. I can't see how their relationship could not be damaged.

As a step child raised by my step father and had no contact with biological dad, you should feel really ashamed of this comment.

Your husband is right. She is only young once. I would look at the other surrounding behaviour. Was she nice to your mum? How is she towards you? Does she come to other family events? How does she treat her dad and her own mum? These are true reflections of what she is really like. At twenty four in the summer you want to be everywhere. Otherwise, the behaviour you expect from her is your expectation and your standard not hers. See how she spends the money from your mum. Does she waste it or use it wisely? Sometimes, in life, there are situations over which we have no control. Also, your bereavement may be colouring your opinions. Just let it all rest till down the line and time will give you your answer. If she is flaky over time, then don't put as much into the future as you may have done had she been more to your way of thinking.

Your post implied that step-grandchildren have no obligation to view step-grandparents as family and yet the idea of the DSD not getting an inheritance is ridiculous to you. You apply the tired old double standard that step-kids can do what they want and the step-mum and her family just have to accept it.

Just because her step-grandmother was kind enough to leave her money doesn’t mean DSD actually deserves it, she’s behaved selfishly and thoughtlessly.

And how could OP work around DSD’s availability, DSD didn’t tell her she’d be queuing from 4am for Wimbledon tickets or attending a concert.

I think every funeral I’ve been to, there’s been relatives who can’t attend because either the distance, already got other plans or work commitments.

Ive never judged any of them for not physically being there.

I think this is a generational issue.

My DM is due to be on holiday and birthday celebration with us at the moment (paid for by me), but last minute declined to go to a funeral of someone she hasn’t seen for 50 years.

I don’t think the lie is good, but also believe funerals can be difficult/ are not the only way to respect and remember loved ones.

@Roosch my father's third wife, technically my step mother, but they got married in 1995 when I was 35, died a couple of years ago in her 90s and more significantly 21 years after father died in 2002. They had a brief window of happiness together.

As the daughter of her 2nd husband, of course I went to the funeral. It was necessary to pay my respects to her, to my father and to her children. She was buried with her first husband and father of her daughters as was right and proper and pre-arranged.

I am sorry that you are going through this right now, it’s a very difficult time, and feelings will be raw for a while to come. Your mum was a good woman by the sounds of things.

Total dick move by the DSD.

The inheritance is irrelevant in the circumstances. Your DM was incredibly generous and decent in showing love to your DSD and treating her on an equal basis as your other two children.
The lies, the lack of decent human respect to another is something I would find very difficult to get past.
i understand your DD response, she loved her grandmother, and her feelings are also valid here.
I was utterly devastated to lose my grandmother at 16.
There is a time for fun. The dick move by your DSD to lie, and not even show basic human decency to another and be supportive to other family members is highly insensitive and selfish.
When able, your DH should speak with his idiot daughter in the near future.