DSD going to Wimbledon and a concert instead of my mums funeral

[GillieLo]

My mum passed recently, this wasn’t a shock as she had been ill for a while but none the less we are devastated.

I have 2 bio children and DSD who has been in my life for 8 years, she was friendly with my mum and my mum has left her just as much as she has her other grandchildren.

DSD said she couldn’t come to the funeral as work was busy and she couldn’t get time off, she’s 24.

Tonight my DD has shown me her instagram stories. Up at 4am queuing for Wimbledon, seems to have spent the day there and is now at Hyde park seeing Gracie Abrams and Noah Kahan.

AIBU to be unbelievably pissed off this is why she didn’t come to my mums funeral when my mum has left her 15k?

I was understanding when it was work but a concert and Wimbledon?!!

DHs response is “she’s young she probably had these plans for a while and we all grieve differently”.

what an astonishingly nasty and insensitive post to a woman whose mother has just died. And you're wrong, to most people funerals are a way of marking a loss, of gathering a family together to acknowledge and celebrate the person who has died, and an opportunity to show support to the bereaved.

Well, I hope I remember this on the next step-parents/inheritance thread where a step-parent is up in arms that their bio kids aren’t in the will like their SDC. This 24yo step-grandchild was left £15,000 and the step-grandmother’s funeral “slipped her mind”. Something she communicated via a group WhatsApp chat. What is a stepmother to make of that? Her own children getting £7500 less from their own grandmother each in favour of someone who thought so little of her and their personal loss that she couldn’t even be bothered to remember the date of the funeral. Unbelievable.

100%

The “slipped my mind” is disgusting.
Bet she happily pockets the 15k

If she's known her for years and acted like a gran, I don't think it should make a difference whether she's a blood relative-OP suggests she's been treated the same.
But it's true some children can feel really upset about divorces and unsettled with blended families, even years after, and none of us can know how she felt. The fact she posted about what she was doing, and didn't keep the concert etc quiet, might be related, I guess? If she wanted to hide the fact she was doing something else from the family, she could have done-but chose not to.

I’m double her age and if I had pre booked tickets for the day of a funeral, I’d offer my apologies and keep my plans.

She shouldn’t have lied but I would never evict someone to cancel pre arranged plans

The updates are worse!
She goes to Wimbledon every year...
she could've gone funeral first then concert after!

if the grandmother was so fond of her to leave 15k you would have thought she'd care enough to go to the funeral.

I agree.

It is a very emotional day for you and @RCJJ is right that the funeral isn't the only day/way to grieve.

I remember when I was younger.. I just didn't comprehend what it really means when you lose someone that close. I thought I did but then I hardly knew anyone in real life at the time, who had experienced it but now I do realise the full implications. It could be the same for her. She didn't know your DM for as long or to the same extent that you did. She might have thought she wasn't really needed there and that it was for close family.

I agree that it would be a good idea to get your husband to explain to her that this was hurtful so that you can both maybe talk about it when you feel the time is right.

So sorry for your loss.

This. Nothing you can do about it now, but she deserves to be told how shitty she has been.

Then leave it and move on.

If op didn’t like her step daughter, her mother would not have left her same inheritance she left OP’s children.

So OP’s daughter is selfish and thoughtless but there are no such labels in your dictionary for the uncaring step daughter who I believe will be happy to receive ‘granny’s money?

Op your DSD has shown you where you and your family stands in her eyes so while treat her well but remember she is not same as your own children. Your mother was a kind lady to treat her like her own grandchild but your SD has shown she is not worthy of that.

Given OP has confirmed that she could absolutely have still gone to the concert after the funeral then yes, she probably would have preferred to have heard that rather than a pack of lies...

I think I feel quite uncomfortable with the idea that getting inheritance should affect whether or not you attend a funeral or how you demonstrate grief. It somehow implies that money should influence love? It also wouldn't have occurred to me to link gratitude to a public display/funeral attendance (in the past, my gratitude for inheritance has always been a private and internal thoughtful acknowledgement, seeing as the person who left the inheritance couldn't ever be aware of my gratitude).

My cousin didn't attend my grandfathers funeral (the reason given was odd and one I didn't and still don't understand), but it never crossed my mind that she was ungrateful for her inheritance/that she didn't love my grandfather/that she wasn't grieving.

I think I'd be inclined to believe your step daughters explanation, especially given that she posted so publicly on social media (I think she wouldn't have done that if she'd remembered the date/was lying to you).

But, either way... I do wonder how it would have been received if she had remembered the date and been honest with you. From the way that you (and your DD) are reacting, I'm wondering whether honesty would have been appreciated as much as you're saying, or whether it would have created some fall out... (I know you say she could've gone, but in her shoes I'd probably not expect that answer/and or expect a disapproving tone). At age 24, she is an adult, but still young and learning. I expect she probably hasn't quite grasped that attending a funeral is often really more about supporting the living than the dead. I'd hold onto the fact that she ran the marathon and had demonstrated that she cares in that way.

Yet again, nobody had any expectation of her cancelling anything

Op has confirmed she would have been able to still go to the concert after the funeral, and she didn't have Wimbledon tickets in the first place, that's the whole reason she was queuing at 4am.

Sending solidarity and condolences OP, as a veteran of several too many funerals across my 56 year lifespan x

One thing I have learned is that people can be extremely thoughtless and insensitive (self-centred), whether attending or not, and while one may forgive, completely forgetting is a whole other ball of wax, because grief is complex, eternal and unpredictable, and whether we like it or not, the devil is in the detail and can severely hamper the "grieving process".

Of note is the Mumsnet paradox, by which nobody has to do anything if it makes them uncomfortable / they have a better offer / it crosses their "boundaries" or they just don't feel like it, (obvious exceptions apply of course) versus lack of resilience / certain things are non-negotiable / puling oneself up by one's bootstraps and other clichés ad nauseam.

We are apparently going through a societal phase where virtually every previously universal and agreed upon custom or ritual is being dismantled, and expectations are nebulous, and fraught with conflict .

I live on hope that at some point the examination of such petulant questions such as "why should I?" and "why shouldn't I?" elicit some nuanced answers that include but don't pander to in ridiculous proportions, other people's feelings.

We have list the middle ground it seems in so many areas, and the need to be a maverick, announcing one's rebellion via social media etc is erroneously rewarded, regardless of impact.

Judging by some comments here, we may as well do away with the last vestiges of collective mourning altogether.

Not sure if this is peculiar to the UK, but looking at every other culture, current and historical, rituals around death persist and provide an important function for the bereaved. This attitude of being "over that" may well backfire. Nobody enjoys a funeral, because some poor sod has shuffled off, and the people that love them are very, very sad (yes, generalising because I know some people are arseholes etc etc). But it gives a sense of solidarity and the chance to process emotions - which may include over indulgence at the wake and making a tit of oneself. Because we're not robots.

As to the OPs SD - distasteful and poor form given the circumstances described, particularly the lying and social media aspects Sounds as if the rather lovely OP is going to handle it appropriately once the dust has settled.

Death sucks for the living. In so many ways.

Solidarity to all in the shitty club ❤️‍🔥

The comments about the inheritance have struck a chord with me.

When my husband's ex lost her partner [the Other Man], her children did support her by attending the funeral.

A short while later, her daughter, SIL and granddaughter were round at ours following a meal. The SIL had had a fair bit to drink and started to complain that it wasn't right that the ex's partner had left all his money to her. According to him, the partner had been obligated to leave something to the granddaughter, "since she called him 'Grandad'."

I was rather taken aback for several reasons. What struck me at the time was that I'd previously been told that I was "too young" to be a grandmother. I recall thinking "Oh. You'll not be expecting me to leave anything to DGD, in that case?"

Some people do think about these things in a transactional manner. I'd be interested to know whether the OP's SD knew that there was an inheritance for her.

It's great that she ran the London Marathon, but entrants do have to enter a ballot for places. In my experience, those who run it largely do it as a personal challenge but will happily add a charity sponsorship to the endeavour; the sponsorship doesn't come first for the majority.

She shouldn’t have lied, but I can’t cope with funerals and I don’t go to them as a rule. Funerals are to say goodbye to a loved one and there are plenty of ways to do it.

If she has tickets for a gig she’s probably arranged her timings already. She’s not going to go to a funeral have a quick shower and dash to a concert.

I wouldn’t change pre arranged plans for anything other than an absolute emergency. People have prior plans and that’s to expected

I’ve got a big family, so i go to my fair share of funerals.
You go to support the immediate family members of the person who has died.
They want you to be there. They like knowing how many people have turned out for their sister’s/uncle’s, etc, funeral.

No one relishes them, and the OP’s daughter shouldn’t have lied. Her stepmum wouldn’t feel as hurt.
Sometimes you have to suck it up and go.

it’s her choice not to go

She’s a 24 year old adult

I doubt I’d have gone to the funeral at that age especially before a concert I’d already paid for.

I don’t think it shows any disrespect at all

You have just chosen it to be disrespectful that’s all

it’s just a choice

not everyone want to go to funerals

YANBU. That’s pretty shit behaviour when your mother has treated her the same as the other grandchildren.

It's also pretty stupid to do Instagram posts, outing yourself in a lie 🙄 She obviously didn't even feel bad enough about being there AND lying about it, to even remember that she was supposed to be working. That would piss me off too.

Imo she is rude, ungrateful and disrespectful.

Sorry for your loss OP x

Can you block the inheritance? Deed of variation or similar, speak to a solicitor as I wouldn't be happy with £15k going to a spoilt brat.

No, but relationships do.

Thank goodness funerals seem to be getting less popular and people are having direct cremations more now. They are mainly for lining the funeral directors pocket.